We just can't get along

[Jonde]

Hello flyingsaucersarereal,

You seem to be a young and warm hearted individual just like me. You tried your best to make it work out, you offered him another apartment etc and you were even willing to move out. The bottom line is that you did your utter best to comfort and pay respect to your FIL. There is nothing wrong from your side. You've let things slipped through because it's in your nature, part of your personality, I can understand that. You did all those things not to worsen the situation.

Here is the thing: the more you try to do good with your family, especially with FIL, the more you get disappointed. You've reached dead-end pal. There is no more left or right to go. The only way is the radical way. That means you got to STOP the whiskey and all that sh*t. Secondly you have to raise this issue to your wife. Because it is an issue that needs to be addressed. You are unhappy, you are pissed, you are taking care of her dad. You got to raise the bar and tell her if that's going to continue, you will have to do the "hard way" and distance yourself from them.

This whole family thing is already precarious enough though. You live on your own and they live in their world. It seems the foundation is already set (lol,...sorry). It's ought to be this way that you stay on your own and eventually you cut out the lines completely. You got to make a stand pal, NOW.

[ehw200]

in this situation, I would remove all of my assets from Thailand and RUN,,,make sure if you rent an apartment,,,it is on the ground floor

in my opinion it is better (and safer) to marry a girl from another country and send her home a couple of times/year to visit her family

even then in some cases the money she takes with her will be taken by the parents on day1,,,then comes the e-mail request for western union

and if you are lucky only once more for money to get home,,,my experience is from Central America but seems much the same here

[Wat dee]

Maybe He just don't like you?

Guy don't kiss your ass and you are all upset. You are fking His daughter,don't push it!

Money can buy love but not respect.

[steven100]

He is acting the way he has for the past 40 years or whatever ....

Now you have come along and expect him to change immediately , because you buy whiskey & food & rent.

He didn't ask you to buy anything ... he didn't ask you to be his son in-law ...

It's the way he is and he won't change just because you came along ....

It's probably not that he resents you ... it's just the way he is & has been .. for a long time.

Second point ..... I certainly would'nt stop buying the whiskey & food ect ...... how do you think it would look if all of a sudden you stop buying or paying ...

What do you think the rest of the gang will think of you then ?

You will create a bigger mess than you have already !! believe me.

Just because he doesn't talk or bow to you should'nt be a concern at all. Just forget about it and get on with life !

I think you made the mistake of paying for the whiskey & food & rent from the start .... maybe cut back on the food & whiskey .. but don't stop it.

Answer : Forget about him ... and get on with your own life.

[Phillip Sell]

Maybe your wife could explain to him how you feel. Maybe you could share a drink together.....or go fishing. Or ask him for help in a project.

[n210mp]

To the OP

It sounds as though you are not having a nice happy family life at all and my thoughts would be why not because it sounds as though you are the main provider possibly the only provider and thereby should have the appropriate benefits .

Never mind the cross culture BS it boils down to who is the man in your marriage, are you so scared of being lonely that you will accept second or third or even fourth place in your wife's order of things?

It does sound as though they (your "SIC" family) are all disrespecting you and your kind and compassionate ways.

When a wife puts her family love as an equal to the different love she has for her man then I can accept that there will sometimes be conflicts but if she loves and understands the needs of her Man then she will find a way to compromise so that everyone affected will to a degree be satisfied.

But there has to be compromise not just from you!

Your wife is the answer here.

She needs to have a word with her Dad and explain that He needs to recognise even though He may need to act or role play some overt respect for you.

If this is not forthcoming then I urge you to face up to a situation that you are nothing more then a Farang provider and it will never improve.

My wife loves her family but never places any of them before me.

For my part I accept that there is a cultural difference and do my part in enabling my wife to do what she can for her family.

This does not include giving money to them and to their eternal credit they have never asked me or used emotional blackmail to get money from me. In contrast to most of the families I read about on here they are both poor and proud .

Having said that when we go to visit them I always make sure that I pay for the food, the Electric ETC, my wife always takes clothes to them but this I think is quite normal for returning children to do

It seems that you are marred into a family with poor morals rather than a different culture and if your wife cannot make it better for you then IMHO to carry on living as you do means as another poster said :you have the problem not your wife's family".

As one previous poster said that you are asking for advice, here is mine for what it is worth;

As above give this problem to your wife because she is the only one who can communicate with your FIL who can make the needed changes.

If after a time maybe a week nothing happens or changes then you have to be up front with your wife and move away from the area taking all your financial support with you.

I am sure that this will effect a change but to be honest because of what you have told us about your family I feel that it is too late and any change they make will be just to continue living off you financially

If your wife really did love you she would not have let this problem arise and continue in any event

Edited September 23, 2014 by n210mp

[crickets]

I just bought a house for my girlfriend and me under her name in pattaya. 2 days after moving in the pick up truck arrived with 8 of her family and the parents arrived who decided to come and live there. I hated it. They are poor and sit around all day just looking at me. They never leave. I treated them really badly and made sure they left after a month and didnt feel welcome to come back. Might work a treat for u. Sure my gf was angry but is over it now.

[givenall]

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How old is this cantankerous old git ?

He is approx 60 years old.

I am 29 and my wife is 30

You are too young especially to have a Thai wife

[razer]

This is a risk any time there is a cross cultural marriage ... I speak from experience and my ex wife was from a very nationalistic state in Europe. Just enjoy your wife and family and ignore the father in law's state of mind. I predict that if he knows you are not affected he will become congenial sometimes but not all the time.

[steven100]

ask him if he wants a fencing duel .....

[flyingsaucersarereal]

ask him if he wants a fencing duel .....

Hahahahaha I like that one!

[louse1953]

Cut the umbilicle cord and if he wont talk,so be it.

[johnnygimbo]

Dude, are u trolling? LOL

If my father IL would treat me like that, I would stop the money flow to his rent payments and whiskey. Let's see how he gonna treat me then! Sure he would be more friendly and respectfull to me.

I would not have started the money flow in the first place except for my wife and kid, and there would certainly be no food or whiskey taken to the house except on special occasions. Give your wife enough money only for your son and yourself, and pay the rent by yourself. If she gives money from you to her father and she runs short, then that's down to her.

Don't worry about your kid, no mother would let their kid go short.

[Card]

My partner's uncle is the same with me when I visit the village where we have a holiday home. Never even looks at me when he visits and has a grin whenever things might not work out (the almost always do). Anyway, from the start I don't give a sh*t. Just get on with my life and ignore him. Neither he nor his wife speaks English and i don't speak Thai much so we get along fine. He was once sat stony faced at a restaurant where I paid for all the food, never again. I don't bother him and he doesn't bother me. I'm sure his scrounging wife asked me for a loan once, but not sure. I just ignored her completely. No problem for me at all.

[johnnygimbo]

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When someone treats me like that, after a while I blame it on him and then I don't give a shit what he thinks. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life kissing someone's ass when he wants to be an a hole.

What's up with your wife not living with you? Is he controlling that? What's her position on the living situation? Is she also dissing you or siding with her father? That sounds like the more odd part.

Can you get her, move away some distance, and just have her visit her parents sometimes without you?

Problems with in-laws are common the world over. He may feel like you outshine him with a better education, more money etc., or he may be afraid of losing position of the leader or whatever. All are issues of face.

If my wife wouldn't live with me due to her father, she'd soon be an ex, but I don't know the whole situation.

My wife has a son and they all live near the son's school so she lives there to take care of him and take him to school.

I have tried to live there at the house with him but there is just not enough room and I need peace and quiet because I work a graveyard shift.

Move the FIL into the apartment and you move into the house. Leave him by himself for a while......................

You can't just move people that easily, and do you think he will move to your apartment? He probably relies on you for his whiskey etc, and what do you think the wife will say if you tell her he has to go?

[maximillian]

My two cents only:

1. Your FIL is an (deleted)

2. Your work pattern IS a challenge

against a normal live.

When you sleep during daytime how can you have a relationship

to your wife and child ?

And yes, you need aquiet environment if you have to sleep

during daytime.

[louse1953]

OK, I can see how easy it is to get into a situation like this…… But, not how you can’t get out of it.

To start with there will be no winners, your wife will side with the FI no matter what and you will not in control of what’s going on any more than you are now. Any action you now try to bring the FI into line will be seen as showing great disrespect to him, (by him)……Your wife will side with him, (no option) and you will move your status from; “nan farang’ too “nan farang keenok”………

I could say more, but I think it will come across as being rude or spiteful and I’m not trying to do that.

I will say just one thing more, I find it odd that your wife lives apart from you and the excuse regarding the child’s school, I find this a little odd considering Thai culture.

Good luck in sorting it out!

Ok,we live in Thailand,and i am all for assimilation,as we expect Thais to do when they go westward.But we don't have to bend over and take it up the rear.Would he treat a Thai son in law the same? He doesn't like you but is happy with the handouts.You are being walked over,but if thats ok leave things alone.This could go on for 20 years or more til he carks it.Its your life mate.

[NoshowJones]

As mentioned earlier ...

He is acting the way he has for the past 40 years or whatever ....

Now you have come along and expect him to change immediately , because you buy whiskey & food & rent.

He didn't ask you to buy anything ... he didn't ask you to be his son in-law ...

It's the way he is and he won't change just because you came along ....

It's probably not that he resents you ... it's just the way he is & has been .. for a long time.

Second point ..... I certainly would'nt stop buying the whiskey & food ect ...... how do you think it would look if all of a sudden you stop buying or paying ...

What do you think the rest of the gang will think of you then ?

You will create a bigger mess than you have already !! believe me.

Just because he doesn't talk or bow to you should'nt be a concern at all. Just forget about it and get on with life !

I think you made the mistake of paying for the whiskey & food & rent from the start .... maybe cut back on the food & whiskey .. but don't stop it.

Stop the whiskey, and do not cut back on the food.

[hiller]

Seems like he's got life figured out. You are the one with the problem.

Are you absolutely, positively and beyond a doubt sure this is her father?

[SOTIRIOS]

.......just make sure that you never overextend yourself....or put yourself in a position of need.......

[BMJ]

It would make sense that if he was her husband & Not her dad! He got out of jail and that's his kid he might

treat you like that! How old is this guy?

[DekDaeng]

Son is hers - not yours?

On yer bicikon.

[dotpoom]

If I allow myself to be treated like s - - - then why be surprised if I am treated like s - - - ?

[flyingsaucersarereal]

It would make sense that if he was her husband & Not her dad! He got out of jail and that's his kid he might

treat you like that! How old is this guy?

I hear you guys that would be crazy but I am positive he is her father.

[Benmart]

That's a real serious answer thanks

Unfortunately, there are some that do not have the faculties to provide serious and suggestive input to your situation.

That being said, your dilemma is not an uncommon one from my experience. A sedentary and limited lifestyle can be a result of substance addiction, mental or physical problems, or the person may just be satisfied that they are being provided for.

Tolerance and acceptance are two options. Terminating the arrangement is also one, but it can create additional problems on the home-front.

In the past, distancing myself from another persons destructive behaviors and relocating ended with good results. Terminating the financial support was part of that equation.

Good luck with whatever path life takes you.

[ScotBkk]

Seems like he's got life figured out. You are the one with the problem.

BS, the guys a bloodsucking leech ....... they expect this as part of the sale of their siblings .....

[Minnehaha]

Maybe your wife could explain to him how you feel. Maybe you could share a drink together.....or go fishing. Or ask him for help in a project.

Expecting people to change is an exercise in futility.

We are all responsible for our own lives. Everything in it and everything we didn't get. If we get hit by a truck, it is our responsibility. If a person can take this approach to live and relationships they will see that as human beings we have the power to choose, and we have the power to be happy in any situation in life. The Buddha was right (as were many existentialist thinkers and writers).

You have a choice, every day. Remember the movie Groudhog Day? It is a good fun film that reflects this concept and the implications it can have.

The reality is that once a person takes a stand for their own life they really are powerful enough and have started living the life they are creating, as opposed to living the life they have been given.

We change and the world we see looks different.

In this situation (and every other one) it could mean staying with the wife or it could mean leaving.

But it would be making a choice, not leaving a situation because of the way other people choose to live their lives. This is a fundamental shift in consciousness that can be profound, but it takes work.

Good luck.

[atyclb]

The OP may be well served reading a "parasitology" textbook as it could give him a better understanding of the dynamics.

[Craig351]

When I read these stories I am always amazed at them

To me its simple tell your wife its me or him and or just put your foot down and tell them how things will be!

If not they don't like it WALK AWAY simple !

There are many many many girls in Thailand and good ones!!!!! so why waste your time with this shit and problems you don't need it.

When I first came here and all these tricks and games were played on me, I just walked away simple!

Got called a tight arse, not love the girl, got threatened by her sis, bro all that crap the full treatment i was dealt

I just said how can you fall in love with me in 2 weeks and then start demanding i pay for everything because you love me or in your situation wanting things to be how they want it.

There is give and take all they are doing is taking your giving and getting nothing back

WALK AWAY there is more to life than this rubbish, problems and stress

[Friendly Stranger]

I just can't get along with the Thai father inlaw.

When the weekend comes around I buy a large buffet and whisky for everyone and we all sit down to eat except for him he eats alone.

When I try to talk to him(I can speak Thai) he barely says anything back as if I am invisible.

I have my own apartment and he lives with my wife and her son in there rented house that I help pay for.

Everyday for him is a day of watching TV an drinking whisky.

I am annoyed with the entitlement attitude that he never has to lift a finger to help.

I wish my wife or someone would challenge this behavior but everyone seems to just cough it up as "that's just the way he is"

Can parents in Thailand do no wrong? Am I really so bad? I don't know what to make of this situation other than I think it is wrong.

I think it's a universal rule that all father in laws hate their son in laws. But seriously, don't try so hard as he may want to be left alone as it could be the other way around with him being in your face.