Questions about Thai dowry - and what else to ask

[Jeffkp]

After all the nasty, negative, cynical posts I've read on TV regarding Thai marriages, It's refreshing to see so many talking about a happy, respectful marriage! I'd also like to commend the OP for wanting to do the right thing by his girl and her family.

[catman20]

Circumstances vary. I gave my Thai GF 600 K to build her house. To me, it's money well spent because it's her dream. She has never asked me for money for any of her relatives.

Perhaps the OP should use a different perspective. That is, what can he afford to walk away from if things go pear-shaped. If Sin Sod is a necessary component of the marriage, what is reasonable?

Due to the cultural differences, one may end up with a pearl or a lemon. Hard to tell.

I totally agree with you but..............when it goes pear- shaped not if !!!!!!!

[catman20]

I married a girl from Issan [buri Ram]...was with her 6 yrs...she wanted 500000...after a bit of "talk" i got it down to 50000...never got returned...her parents are[were] very poor rice farmers so i guess the money went to pay off debts,i never had a problem with that,i felt the money was well used.

We are still together after 2 yrs married.

On reflection i would not have paid a single baht...but to this day like to think the money got them debt free & back on there feet again.

All i say is think about it...to late for me to think about it...as i said i like to think the money was put to good use.

down 500,000 down to 50,000 sounds like a sincere girl and family NOT and a whole 2 years AND STILL MARRIED. do appreciate your honesty On reflection i would not have paid a single baht.

Edited January 13, 2016 by catman20

[1FinickyOne]

The original custom called for both you and the family to appoint agents so that they could negotiate a fair price - and you would not be put into a potentially confrontational relationship.

That does not seem to be done anymore. As with me, my wife spoke with her parents and took that role. She came back with a fair amount and asked me if it was ok and I easily agreed though her family said that they wanted the best for their daughter and would lower the amount if I wanted. I did not. I also paid for the food for the party and all the ladies of the village worked in preparation. Unlike your family, my wife's family were poor and this was a gift to them for raising a great daughter - I was never sorry about any of it as her entire family has been great - it is now 12 years past the marriage and 14 together…

I wish you as good luck as I have had…

[Ching ching]

Traditionally, talk to the Mom about the sin-sod... but discuss openly w/your fiance' before talking w/ mom. Culturally, better to have a second (your fiance') do some advance negotiating to get you in the zone. Then ask Mom what she thinks. Generally bad form to ask if the gifts will be returned.

I married a sweetheart, no college, never married and no children. Bought her gold. Gave parents 250k and extra 50k towards wedding. Great investment... family happy, wife happy, me happy.

Your lady is educated and employed. So I'm guessing ballpark 500k to 1M, plus gold, and gifts for parents.

Best wishes to you

[Dancealot]

From another point of view: If you get married here you marry the family as well. The person with the most money will/should share his/her wealth with the entire family. That's my ethical common sense.

[elgordo38]

Get ready to be taken for a ride.

She sounds close to the Hi-So level be prepared to dig deep never married no kids the calculator is really making a noise on this one. If she has a condo and a car she should make a pre-nup to protect her interests. At their level to discuss return of the Sin Sod could be a sign to them that your a low level person. I do not know your financial shape but they are really looking for this gal to marry up not down. Love can be lovey dovey in the first year or so but then the true meaning of love must emerge to carry things to the finish line and its a long run let me tell you with lots of ups and down. Good luck.

[AdamRich]

Do you have any street smarts at all? For even thinking about buying a wife you deserve to be ripped off. I would like to marry your daughter; name your price. Under that logic, poor people would not be allowed to marry. Try coming up with a ridiculous tradition from your country that she needs to partake in and see if she will still marry you. Some of you guys go without a woman for so long that when you finally get one you lose your damn minds.

My idea of marrying is coming together and pooling your resources (in whatever form they may be) in order to make a better life for both parties involved. What kind of start do you have if you have given half of your resources away to a third party before you can even get off the ground? My girlfriend has never asked me for 1 baht. Don't throw away your money trying to buy love; it can be better used renting some (you know the rest).

[djlest]

Your a fool to even consider paying a dowry at all...
I strongly suggest telling her that in FARANG culture it is always the womans family that pay for the wedding, so you should just scrap the idea unless you want an expensive wedding!

Its 2016 and no need for dowry, seriously if she wants to go back to a thai boyfriend then they can discuss meagre dowry, the fact that she scored higher means your in control.

Dont get taken for a ride by any Thai, least of all not your GF future WIFE. The fact that your even discussing it as far as i see, is grounds to spilt up pronto...

Run away!

Edited January 13, 2016 by djlest

[kingstonkid]

Sit down with fiancee and talk about it she will have a good idea of what they will want and what they will do.

Then when you have it all worked out you can both go to see mother and probably oldest brother (head of household) but you willboth know what you are going to pay and what you expect to happen.

Agreed the more well off they are the bigger the wedding as it is ia chance to get in good with people and strut their stuff.

[MRH1959]

Think about what 'you' have now, if have home etc. If so, keep it in your name.

As for dowry, ask the father what you should do so as to keep with tradition.

Forget about the troubled answers from here.

Be yourself and don't show who you are not, or what you can't afford.

Remember, what people see today is what they expect tomorrow and in the future.

Good luck.

[MRH1959]

Think about what 'you' have now, if have home etc. If so, keep it in your name.

As for dowry, ask the father what you should do so as to keep with tradition.

Forget about the troubled answers from here.

Be yourself and don't show who you are not, or what you can't afford.

Remember, what people see today is what they expect tomorrow and in the future.

Good luck.

[ggt]

People fish all their live to try and catch the BIG ONE...you are the big one my friend...

One thing you need to consider...what guarantee do I have that my investment in this woman will not be lost...in a matter of a few years?

Something to think about...

Now get out there and make some Thai people very happy...

[Colabamumbai]

Nothing is acceptable. Is she a virgin.?

33 year old Thai friend of mine says he needs 100 to 200,000 Baht Sin Sod to marry Thai girl.

[Colabamumbai]

The dowry is an age-old scam.

Copied from the Indian culture in reverse.

Not a dime, period, and i can afford it.

Yes better go to India the girls family will pay you.

[Guitar God]

Speaking of Western traditions, in the U.S. for example, the average wedding costs between $19,000 and $33,000 (689,000 THB to 1.2M THB). Traditionally the bride's family paid most of the bill but now it's usually split so for a man to get married in the U.S. it costs between 345,000 THB to 600,000 THB.

In Thailand, if you pay sinsod, the parents of the bride arrange and pay for the wedding, monks, food and entertainment.

If you're going to pay 500,000 THB in sinsod, it's very similar to the cost of getting married in the west, plus if you're in Thailand, you're probably marrying 'up' in attractiveness and your wife is quite a few years younger than you.

I don't often hear about guys in the west bitching about what it costs to get married but I sure see enough of it here so here's my advice;

1. If you think it costs too much, don't get married.

2. Don't marry hookers.

3. If you want a wife you couldn't attract in your home country and want to buy her but you don't have enough cash, go to some poor country like the Philippines or somewhere.

[jacksam]

The dowry is an age-old scam. It's also a strong signal to break your relationship now, before it's too late.

Rubbish. Don't listen to this tripe from a farang that thinks he knows it all. Expect to pay 500k nothing comes back. If you can afford it. Missed your age. She is young. If your 50 plus then the comment I complained about is accurate and I'm wrong. How you going to take care of her and live here. Please don't tell me you plan to teach

[CapFarmer]

Just my personal experience. I put a sum of cash in a case so that it could be opened at the wedding ceremony and we made a show of giving it to her mother, but we had agreed before hand that her mother would return the money to my wife and we would purchase land for our future. At the ceremony, the MC looked inside the case and announced that there was 3 million baht and he had personally counted it, which of course was not true. There was a lot of cash, but not near 3 million baht.

Other's suggestions of using the money to pay of a loan or use for other agreed upon purchase also seem like good ideas. I would avoid paying any significant sums to any of her relatives out right, unless you are agreeing that the dowry will be the end of support to any of her family regardless of future circumstances.

I wish you all the best in your future. God's Blessing to you both.

[mick01827]

Anything from 0 - 500,000, the way I understand the dowry is your saying thank you to the parents for the good job they've done in raising their daughter/your future wife, personally I like thai culture but I can understand those who have been burnt and left very bitter

[Acharn]

If you can find it there used to be a great essay called "7 Cow Wife." Although the setting was some unnamed Pacific Island, the moral of the story was applicable. Main thing is that 7 cows was an incredible price to pay. Nobody had ever paid 7 cows for a wife before. The reason for paying so much was not to please the parents or impress the neighbors, but to make his wife, who apparently had some self-esteem problems, understand how much he loved her.

I don't get a feeling from the OP how well you speak Thai. I think you should talk to your girl friend about it first. The tradition is you are supposed to have a "phu yai," a "big person," go talk to the parents on your behalf and negotiate the sin sod for you. I don't think that applies in your case. Talk to your girl friend about the details of how you should bring the subject up. Since she's a university grad she probably has modern ideas about what's appropriate. She might have already discussed this with her parents and been told what they think.

I first got married in 1973 while I was stationed at Sattahip in the Army. I've heard a lot of horror stories about terrible, terrible marriages. I also know quite a few people who have had successful marriages. Mine were both successful, although the first one was *very* troubled. I really don't know why these guys who hate Thais so much continue to live here. If I felt that way I'd probably go live in Malaysia or Singapore. Well, maybe not. From what I hear both Malays and Singapore Chinese despise foreigners. Maybe Indonesia.

[Bantex]

When I got married three years I put down 100.000. Her family paid for the food, drink etc and afterwards I was given the 100.000 back so the wedding cost me nothing. Now we have two children and her mother regularly babysits and I slipped some cash for helping out only to find that she has been putting the money in the kids money box.

[jpduggan]

The shirt off your back before they're finished with you.!!!

[backtothailand]

There is quite a lot of very cynical people on here who believe every Thai lady and their family are trying to rip them off. It's simply not the case. But I must say thank you to the many nice people with good advice and answers.

[MMF]

I re-read my post and, I like to add to it.

I read so much doubt and unhappiness on some of these posts. It seems that some people just can't get around the idea that all Thai girls are the same, they are not. I have 5 friends that are with good Thai girls, pleased to say, they're all happy, the girls are honest and some inc my girl, are good looking too.

Some people it seems, are inclined to look for trouble, when they find it, they blame the other party.

I would never share my life with a girl that I have no feeling for, the relationship with a girl for the intention of having a good time is one, then there is the other relationship that I would live with and be happy to pay for what ever I can afford for the two of us.

The way I would envisage starting a relationship with a Thai girl is first to find out all you can about her, and that includes meeting her family so you know what you are getting in for. Once one is happy with the family set up, you go on forward and, yes, if you like to pay for a dowry fine but, it doesn't have to be a fortune and, you can decide what you are comfortable with. Don't get pushed around by your g/f or anyone one else in her family, should that be the case, I can then say that you may be getting involved with a girl that is more interested in your money rather than you.

I reiterate that, I'm very happy with my set up and so are all my 5 friends.

Hope this clears some more fog in the subject.

All the best to the happy couples.

[aronp1]

My wife told me that they actually don't give you the "cash" back. It's actually given back in the form of the wedding. So your question of "Who pays for the wedding?" You do. I suggest you do some research on traditional Thai wedding engagements and Thai weddings.

[lordblackader]

Interesting conversation.

Currently engaged, no date set for the wedding and the conversation has never come up except...

I had to promise my future MIL my first born son (in this relationship) has to take over the family farm when old enough.

My other half is a single child, adopted, and raised Hmong (she's ethnically Karen) and the parents are well off, mother owns a rehab clinic, father owns a big farm where there's no water buffalo as Im told it's cheaper to hire people to do the hard work

Their number one and only worry is that they'll never have a male in the family line to inherit the farm....apparently females can't run farms, and that is the ONLY thing they want from me.

[louse1953]

Seeing you are willing to pay whatever your MIL asks,what's the issue.Just cough up and hand your balls over while your at it.

[SOTIRIOS]

....you seem to have all the answers already......

....give us a break...

[louse1953]

Sounds like she is from a decent family. I would say 1 million baht is enough. Some parents give back the Sin sod after the ceremony. You should ask her about it. I know it is very awkward to talk w the girl about this but for them is normal.

I think it is great the parents support her and not the way around, could mean they won't need your help financially. Sounds like a good one to me.

If she was an isan girl from a poor family not more than 100,000, not even thai men want them. My driver doesnt date women from Isaan. He always tells me they are lower than garbage.

What a racist p...k you are.Tell us what you know about girls from the NE.Millions of Thai men and a few farang marry or co habitate with women from the NE and are happy.

[louse1953]

From another point of view: If you get married here you marry the family as well. The person with the most money will/should share his/her wealth with the entire family. That's my ethical common sense.

Until it runs out.