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Getting ex-Girlfriend to leave the apartment


DrDweeb

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On 12/27/2016 at 10:19 AM, DrDweeb said:

In passing, my girlfriend had no clue of my financial status for the first several years we knew each other. We were in love and I had enough. I bailed out her family for several hundred thousand THB to free her of those "family obligations", so we could be us, without the family pounding us for money constantly. Didn't work as it turned out :(.

 

Once she started traveling to Europe with me it became more obvious. I think the Italian guy stuck the idea that I am filthy rich (well off, but not filthy rich) into her head and that warped her a bit, plus whatever other bullshit he spouted to get her body.

SHE took you for a dunce and you played happily along.    I blame you for your troubbles.    Call a constable and boot her out.

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4 minutes ago, cheechee said:

We are not talking about a street slut, just a faithless bitch who thought she could get away with it.

 

 

 

You are one goofy guy.  You thought she was your girlfriend.         How does this happen?  over and over again.

Expand on that....?

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Would it be worth a few thousand baht to check with a real estate lawyer to insure you of your rights before you get yourself in hot water?

 

I know where I come from just allowing a person to live in your place  beings with it implied legal rights to the person being asked to vacate.

 

For all I know Thailand may have some similar protection laws.   Violating those right may make a lawyers consultation fee look  very inexpensive.

Edited by watcharacters
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1 hour ago, watcharacters said:

 

Would it be worth a few thousand baht to check with a real estate lawyer to insure you of your rights before you get yourself in hot water?

 

I know where I come from just allowing a person to live in your place  beings with it implied legal rights to the person being asked to vacate.

 

For all I know Thailand may have some similar protection laws.   Violating those right may make a lawyers consultation fee look  very inexpensive.

 

The Thai law is very clear. 

If you are not legally married, you have no claim to anything. 

Simple. 

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Well first off, if you didn't read this whole thread why are some of you posting and asking and saying dumb things that have been answered.   

The OP has her out of his apartment.

But if it is ownership isn't that a condo?  

 

Drdweeb, you sound like a very nice guy. I wish you luck in the future.  It may take a couple years.  Don't rush into anything. Even when you feel ready you will look back in 6 months and know you weren't. 

 

I have a few questions and comments.  Are you really a self proclaimed Dweeb?  Did you take her out dancing? To nice dinners? Trips? Romance?

How old are you? You say she is 30.  So high chance in Thailand you were lover #2 since you say she was a good girl.  

I do doubt the father is dead story.   Did you Investigate that.   Two things come to mind,  she didn't know who it was it or she said this since he is deadbeat.   I have just had to many Thai women tell me  this story.   She was 21-22 when you met her? so she was so young she never got to try a few others like you have.   Only one guy asked how long your away periods were?.   But you never said how much you were absent in 8 years?  Your absence and a son probably prevented her from seeking a job? So she lived a very boring life when you were not there. Hard to expect animals to behave to some unnatural morals.     Be cautious as condoms don't protect 100% from herpes.   I assume you mean she got hsv2 but hsv1in the gentital area is becoming very common and I bet she was only visually tested.   I would also bet you have never been type specific tested for HSV 1&2?. It could be hsv1 which 80% of adults have. Hsv's can be transmitted orally and not only when symptoms show.  Called viral shedding. Many people never even suffer a breakout. All this makes this  a big concern to me.  Some guys just brush it off as nothing.

 Did you ever give her allowance of say 5k/mo? I've heard this is common.  I mean 120$ but may have given her some independence.   I have heard about this even for older wives.   I can see where at 28 she looked at her life and saw she had nothing.   No career, not living in her own house, no stability. 

When the cat is away it's easy for the nice to play. 

No more sex with her.  Don't give you or her heart any hope or pain.  Don't look at this as wasted 8 years.   

 

 

Good luck 

 

Edited by Elkski
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3 hours ago, Elkski said:

Well first off, if you didn't read this whole thread why are some of you posting and asking and saying dumb things that have been answered.   

The OP has her out of his apartment.

But if it is ownership isn't that a condo?  

 

Yes it's my condo - not flash, but it serves fine in a good location. Apartment=condo in my lexicon - sorry for the confusion.

 

3 hours ago, Elkski said:

Drdweeb, you sound like a very nice guy. I wish you luck in the future.  It may take a couple years.  Don't rush into anything. Even when you feel ready you will look back in 6 months and know you weren't. 

 

Thank you

 

3 hours ago, Elkski said:

 

I have a few questions and comments.  Are you really a self proclaimed Dweeb?  Did you take her out dancing? To nice dinners? Trips? Romance?

 

Fine dining, check

Romantic sunsets on the beach - check (I have a 5 star resort condo on Phuket where we regularly go)

Opera - check

Circus - check (big hit by the way, she loves performance art)

Dancing - no, it's not her thing apparently

She has been in Europe a lot, but complains I don't take her enough places. That was the Italian slime ball's advantage - I live quite far north and he is on the Med.

 

3 hours ago, Elkski said:

How old are you? You say she is 30.  So high chance in Thailand you were lover #2 since you say she was a good girl.  

I do doubt the father is dead story.   Did you Investigate that.   Two things come to mind,  she didn't know who it was it or she said this since he is deadbeat.   I have just had to many Thai women tell me  this story.   She was 21-22 when you met her? so she was so young she never got to try a few others like you have.  

 

Good gracious no, I was probably number 10. The first was the boy's dad apparently. There were numerous others (sordid details unnecessary). There was also some E. European "spiritual"  character who apparently beat her up. Certainly some others. She was 23 when we met, pushing 33 now. I am older (50+), though a lifetime of sport and staying out of the sun has kept me in pretty good shape - all things considered. I have an adult child from a previous marriage.

 

I am told he is dead by her family. He also had another child with another girl apparently. He was a player - extraordinarily handsome (the boy is obviously his son) and well off apparently. He was gone before I arrived.

 

3 hours ago, Elkski said:

Only one guy asked how long your away periods were?.   But you never said how much you were absent in 8 years?  Your absence and a son probably prevented her from seeking a job? So she lived a very boring life when you were not there. Hard to expect animals to behave to some unnatural morals.

 

We moved in together 5-6 years ago, the boy has been here almost 3 years. Before that she stayed at home on the farm except with him except when I was in Thailand or we were all in Europe or in Bangkok or in Phuket. The lad went to school in the village. Generally it has been >60% of the year together (I don't keep a scorecard) - she wanted to "be a mom" and in her defense she is a candidate for "world's greatest mom". This is not one of her or our problems. She does odd jobs, and like all Thais, buying and selling stuff and so on. But she has enough money from me not to need to do this - she just does it for fun and gives the extra money to her family.

 

She works out almost daily and is very conscious of what goes in her mouth.She has a perfect lean and strong body to show for it - and I mean perfect as in a 10. She is an excellent cook, and appalling housekeeper.

I retired almost 2 years ago, have an O visa and I am around most of the time - I am away doing my hobby and business with my brother a few months a year. School vacations are 100% together, mostly.

 

3 hours ago, Elkski said:

    Be cautious as condoms don't protect 100% from herpes.   I assume you mean she got hsv2 but hsv1in the gentital area is becoming very common and I bet she was only visually tested.   I would also bet you have never been type specific tested for HSV 1&2?. It could be hsv1 which 80% of adults have. Hsv's can be transmitted orally and not only when symptoms show.  Called viral shedding. Many people never even suffer a breakout. All this makes this  a big concern to me.  Some guys just brush it off as nothing.

 

She has always claimed a latex allergy and claimed that the "outbreak" in question last year was from a condom used on a toy - the week after she was with me. This is exceedingly unlikely, a fabrication, and it is almost certain it was from the Italian bloke or some other guy in Italy she <deleted>. I will never know and she (and the Italian) refuse to answer the simple questions about the sexual activity immediately prior. They are equally bad liars. I just want to know my risks.

 

It is not the sex with others that is painful, it is the betrayal and lies associated therewith that hurts. I understand one-time lapses happen, but they don't need to break everything if the partners are honest and open about it, and address the underlying cause (I speak from personal experience).

 

I asked if she would get checked, but since she won't come clean on what happened, she thinks I am being "ridiculous". She had the symptoms (fever, flu like symptoms, genital outbreak, etc.) - only a test can prove one way or the other. I did not see these symptoms - she related them in an email to the Italian slime ball that I read.

 

3 hours ago, Elkski said:

 Did you ever give her allowance of say 5k/mo? I've heard this is common.  I mean 120$ but may have given her some independence.   I have heard about this even for older wives.   I can see where at 28 she looked at her life and saw she had nothing.   No career, not living in her own house, no stability. 

 

Her allowance has for many years been several factors greater than that. She has no economic problems. All major expenses are covered by me, as well as all expenses when we are physically together - she only has food and clothes to buy. She complains about not enough money anyway - what is enough for food and clothes?

Stability is a state of mind. She is not educated and has never had a meaningful job (other than farming). I have offered to pay for her to go back to school, but she has been uninterested in doing that. I did promise to leave the apartment to her - it has never been formalised, but my family would never contest this in the case of my demise - they would have no cause to fight over such a trivial thing. I also have one of my pension policies (several million THB with her as the beneficiary).

 

I do not know who convinced her to become conservative and an evil, demanding and unfaithful bitch - but someone or something did. She could change that in an instant - but she is unwilling. She does not have impulse control or emotion control - so the hideous jealousy is there forever I suspect. (See my previous post link on emotional reasoning).

 

She thinks I should marry her and pay her family some enormous sin sod and then everything will be OK again. Her claim is that me not marrying her previously is the root of all problems. Perhaps this is in fact true. But I didn't <deleted> around and chase other partners - she did - and in my experience "skindsyg" (an irrational all consuming jealousy of everyone and everything) is hard to cure.

 

It would probably be a trivial expense to pay sin sod, marry her and see what happens. There is only a minor financial risk (the sin sod) and it won't break me whatever it ends up being.  It would certainly be best for the boy - his education will cost me several times whatever a sin sod is. If she just treated me nicely like she did when we were younger, I could live with that.

 

3 hours ago, Elkski said:

When the cat is away it's easy for the nice to play. 

No more sex with her.  Don't give you or her heart any hope or pain.  Don't look at this as wasted 8 years.   

 

It was really when she weaponised sex that things started going off the rails. Who knows ...

 

If the opportunity arises, we will doubtless <deleted> our brains out, and things will be perfect for a while until the inner daemons in her re-appear to assert control. In fact, evidence based research suggests that daily sex would cure most of the issues - something about oxytocin, endorphins and other cool chemicals. :D - We have not split up due to sexual incompatibility or boredom in bed - trust me on this!

 

3 hours ago, Elkski said:

 

Good luck 

 

Thanks again.

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If anyone is still reading this never ending story, I need some "removalist cartons" to pack her stuff.

 

In my home country, the removal companies have a standard flat pack box that folds into a self supporting structure with grab holes - they cost a few bucks each and are indispensable. I reckon I need 15 - damn she has a lot of clothes!

 

I have no idea where to find this in Bangkok, or even where I should ask - clues welcome.

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If you walk around the big supermarkets, Big C, Tesco, Makro, they usually have flat-packed boxes in a trolley or in a stack on a pallet in a corner.  I often take one or two from the top of the pile and they don't seem to care.  15 might take a few trips.  You'd need a roll of tape as well.

 

About your story, you met when she was 23 and you were about 45.  45 is by no means old, and I'm not suggesting that she didn't love you, but there's your first red flag.  When girls go for somebody 20 years older, it's often about more than physical attraction/your personality, and as the Thai girl gets older, those extra things (money, security, etc) will start to matter more, partly because the guy is getting less attractive, and partly because she's no longer in that period of youthful bliss and she's thinking what lifestyle she could have if she was one more step up the ladder.

 

And you say she had no idea about your financial situation.  Are you a doctor?  Did she know your job?  If you are and she did, then obviously she would have known that you will have more money that the average guy.  This would have been backed up by your 5 star condo in Phuket in which she often stayed, and the hundreds of thousands of baht that you paid her family.  Really you made a lot of mistakes if you wanted her to be with you purely based on you and your personality and not your assets.  I'm not saying you should keep secrets from her for 10 years, but if you kept these things from her for say, 1 year, that would have been sufficient to know what she was really after.  Did you do that?  I mean, if you had fed her somtam everyday, never splashed out on her, lived in a 3000 baht a month fan room, would she still have been with you?

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I think a lot of people assume that everything is clearcut in a person's head.  i.e. they're after sex, they're after money, they're after love.  When really, that's rarely the case, people are fickle and prone to short-term and long-term fluctuations; they don't really know what they want, and what they want now might not be what they want in a few months, and I'd bet that when you expand that to 10 years (especially with a younger person), the majority of people will have changed their mind about what they want from a relationship.

 

i'm a cynic and I don't really believe in long-term relationships for the majority, or monogamous relationships.  they can work for some people but I think too many people are being forced by society into a mould in which they don't fit.  let's put it this way, if we could have other partners, and our wife/husband knew but didn't care, and society saw this as normal, most of us would do it, I'm pretty sure.  So really we only aren't 'cheating' because we know somebody else doesn't want us to, not because we don't want to ourselves.

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Personally if it were me I would have removed her stuff to a storage facility the instant I found out about her going with another guy behind your back.  Changed the locks and told security and then disappeared for a few days to avoid any drama.  I'd have sent her a text or left a note on the door with the storage address/phone number, and offered her a bus ticket home and the kid's school fees.  And that would have been that.  Pay the storage for 1-2 months and if she doesn't move it by then then it gets repossessed.

 

I think you engaged with her too much, but that was your prerogative to do so.

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5 hours ago, DrDweeb said:

If anyone is still reading this never ending story, I need some "removalist cartons" to pack her stuff.

 

In my home country, the removal companies have a standard flat pack box that folds into a self supporting structure with grab holes - they cost a few bucks each and are indispensable. I reckon I need 15 - damn she has a lot of clothes!

 

I have no idea where to find this in Bangkok, or even where I should ask - clues welcome.

 

Nobody uses boxes for clothes these days. 

Especially Thais. 

Usually everyone gets a pack of big black trash bags and throws it all in. Easy for her to throw in a taxi. 

Or the big carry bags you can buy at makro for about 70 baht would be better than boxes. 

Ikea probably has a variety of carry bags also. 

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1 hour ago, greenchair said:

 

Nobody uses boxes for clothes these days. 

Especially Thais. 

Usually everyone gets a pack of big black trash bags and throws it all in. Easy for her to throw in a taxi. 

Or the big carry bags you can buy at makro for about 70 baht would be better than boxes. 

Ikea probably has a variety of carry bags also. 

Stuff != clothes. We are talking the accumulation of 6+ years. She doesn't live out of a suitcase!

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6 hours ago, cnjoew said:

About your story, you met when she was 23 and you were about 45.  45 is by no means old, and I'm not suggesting that she didn't love you, but there's your first red flag.  When girls go for somebody 20 years older, it's often about more than physical attraction/your personality, and as the Thai girl gets older, those extra things (money, security, etc) will start to matter more, partly because the guy is getting less attractive, and partly because she's no longer in that period of youthful bliss and she's thinking what lifestyle she could have if she was one more step up the ladder.

 

Probably. However someone or something or perhaps even just time changed her from a fun and happy person to be with, to someone seriously deranged. It may just be time, but read my previous posts for more details.

 

6 hours ago, cnjoew said:

 

And you say she had no idea about your financial situation.  Are you a doctor?  Did she know your job?  If you are and she did, then obviously she would have known that you will have more money that the average guy.  This would have been backed up by your 5 star condo in Phuket in which she often stayed, and the hundreds of thousands of baht that you paid her family.  Really you made a lot of mistakes if you wanted her to be with you purely based on you and your personality and not your assets.  I'm not saying you should keep secrets from her for 10 years, but if you kept these things from her for say, 1 year, that would have been sufficient to know what she was really after.  Did you do that?  I mean, if you had fed her somtam everyday, never splashed out on her, lived in a 3000 baht a month fan room, would she still have been with you?

 

It was several years (probably 3) before "assets" became obvious. I didn't fly her around or live opulently in her presence.  I was reasonably sure we were in love - I still think so. She has other agendas now that have nothing to do with love. My former profession is not that relevant.

 

The money I paid to her family was effectively sin sod - I did it to free her of the obligations she felt to her family - it worked for quite a few years, before family reared its head again and put out their hand.

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I feel sorry for you, but I just think that 90% of the problems you have are your fault.First of all, why would you ever give sinsod to a woman who has already been married with a kid? It doesn't happen.  second, Why would you think a woman would respect you if you don't respect her?  A woman who contributes nothing, doesn't work, has no education or anything valuable other than physical attraction and a suitable personality. How could you really respect her as your equal if you are giving her things?  This isn't 1850.  Any woman that wants a man to support her and her illegitimate child are not looking for real relationship they are looking for a target. 

 

You really need to think in the same way as you would with a woman from your own culture. Would you give her family things left and right. Would you expect her to stay faithful if you don't commit?

 

Yes, she is right if you married her, if she contributed something productive to the family, if she felt appreciated or had a sense of purpose she wouldn't have gotten bored.

 

I just hope that you learn your lesson from this and instead of blaming the other guy or slagging her off so much, that you internalize this and realize most was your fault. 

 

Heck you started out saying that you would help support her child even though you are no longer together. What are you?  I just don't get how someone could get taken advantage of so much.

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1 hour ago, zeichen said:

I feel sorry for you, but I just think that 90% of the problems you have are your fault.First of all, why would you ever give sinsod to a woman who has already been married with a kid? It doesn't happen. 

 

I was using "sin sod" as a concept, not a thing. Her son had been in hospital having almost died at birth and the family borrowed money to pay for that. A year or two after we two hooked up, I chose to zero their loans from that event (and others). The family would have never recovered and died an "interest death" had I not done this. It took a massive load off my gf's mind and reduced family tension, and was not an onerous amount. We made a deal and we kept it for a long time before she started searching around for a target to meet her changed world view - enter the Italian snake. We always knew when I would retire, and to live for the most part here - and that was 2016.

 

1 hour ago, zeichen said:

second, Why would you think a woman would respect you if you don't respect her?  A woman who contributes nothing, doesn't work, has no education or anything valuable other than physical attraction and a suitable personality. How could you really respect her as your equal if you are giving her things?  This isn't 1850.  Any woman that wants a man to support her and her illegitimate child are not looking for real relationship they are looking for a target. 

 

Everything and every relationship is asymmetrical. Equality is an illusion of a child. Your relationships are no different. Why do you believe I "don't respect her"? Please expand on that - I am interested to know why you believe that statement to be true.

 

1 hour ago, zeichen said:

You really need to think in the same way as you would with a woman from your own culture. Would you give her family things left and right. Would you expect her to stay faithful if you don't commit?

 

I was married before. My wife had not finished college when we married. When she finished college and got a job, I zeroed her student debt. She did not ask, I just did it because I could. One less problem for her to deal with. I cannot imagine that she ever considered this gesture as a lack of respect.

 

1 hour ago, zeichen said:

Yes, she is right if you married her, if she contributed something productive to the family, if she felt appreciated or had a sense of purpose she wouldn't have gotten bored.

 

I doubt it was boredom - it was radically changed worldview. Her days are not in any way characterised by her sitting on her arse watching soaps! As I said, she is a candidate for "mom of the year", she participates directly in school activities (of which there are way too many), sits and helps with homework, blah, blah - you know, old fashioned "mom"

 

Commitment is in action, not meaningless paperwork which has zero actual benefit. Actually, that was how she used to think, behave and act too. This idea of a marriage certificate is pretty much a "new development", apparently from a few years ago, but only articulated a few weeks ago - I was supposed to mind read and know she had done a 180 turn on the subject apparently. Blame me, why not?

 

Imagine we had been married. What would have happened differently than has happened now? Essentially nothing, there are no "new assets" in Thailand and none anywhere else she can reasonably claim in a divorce. She might get some trivial amount of support after marriage - but courts are fickle and it would unlikely be close to what she gets now. Seriously, what would be different, aside from that she would have won a bit of face in the village and where we live? It is hard to see that this was ever important, given she was a unmarried teenage mother with a dead boyfriend before I met her. The past doesn't change.

 

1 hour ago, zeichen said:

I just hope that you learn your lesson from this and instead of blaming the other guy or slagging her off so much, that you internalize this and realize most was your fault. 

 

I don't think I blamed him, though he certainly is/was an issue. I have no idea how often they bonked - I don't care - >1. Supposedly there were no others - only she would know.

 

One can always blame oneself - didn't commit (marry), didn't give her enough money, didn't take her to South America, didn't buy her mom a house, didn't give her 5 million THB, didn't buy her a business, didn't this or didn't that. That is the argument of a child, it is a never ending negative  list. Mea Culpa. Lives are not measured in what was "not done", but in positive events - actions and deeds.

 

1 hour ago, zeichen said:

Heck you started out saying that you would help support her child even though you are no longer together. What are you?  I just don't get how someone could get taken advantage of so much.

 

Hmm, perhaps because I care about him and because I can? An old fashioned concept I know, but never the less "care" is a thing and I worked a long time amass wealth, how I choose to spend it is my business.

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ignore some of the posters in here..  How can a guy who's been married for 26 years say you choose poorly?.   I thought I chose wisely but after 26 years we choose to separate... stuff happens..  it was quite painful but now 4 years later I look at this as an opportunity to choose even more wiser... if I get 30 years in the next go around it would be great.    I am sure many guys in here admire your sense of responsibility to her and the boy.    I have read threads like this where the guys say give her 5k baht and kick her out.   its obvious you loved her very much.  but sometimes that isn't enough???  such is life..   I think you have painted a very nice picture of this wonderful woman for us.  She just had one flaw that wasn't so good.   You do sound very intelligent and write very concise and clear.

 

Good luck to all 3 of you..

Randall

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Based on my life experiences....

 

Being a 'good' guy (as you seem to have been), is often not the best policy.  After 3 failed marriages, I have come to the conclusion that most women like 'nasty' guys.

 

My advice to you.  Cut out the self-reflection crap, definitely leave out the 'way too much information' in some of your posts and move on. 

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Not quite sure of your need to write this.

 

ps: This girl has never set foot in a bar, neither smokes nor drinks, comes from a good (if relatively poor) family etc. etc. We are not talking about a street slut, just a faithless bitch who thought she could get away with it.

 

Sounds worse than a bar girl, at least you know the dangers with a bar girl and can walk away easy enough. Sounds like a clever girl, who knew how to work you like a kipper and remember she knows where you live and if you wound her and her son, she will get revenge and you won't even see it coming.

 

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On 1/2/2017 at 11:14 AM, roo860 said:

 

 


Whatever you own before marriage is yours, be it a condo or car etc.
Yes?

Sent from my SM-G920F using Thaivisa Connect mobile app
 

 

 

 

 

I think that's a given.     I was questioning greenchairs contention which implies a foreigner cannot freely own a  condo in Thailand.  

 

HIs post says "

   "The Thai law is very clear. 

If you are not legally married, you have no claim to anything. 

Simple. "   

 

I guess any assets in my home country don't belong to me according to his logic.   :shock1:

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7 hours ago, watcharacters said:

 

 

I think that's a given.     I was questioning greenchairs contention which implies a foreigner cannot freely own a  condo in Thailand.  

 

HIs post says "

   "The Thai law is very clear. 

If you are not legally married, you have no claim to anything. 

Simple. "   

 

I guess any assets in my home country don't belong to me according to his logic.   :shock1:

 

You misunderstood my post. 

I meant if she is not married to him, she is not entitled to any of his assets, regardless whether he bought them whilst living with her. 

Even if she has a child with him  (but she doesn't  ) , she would not be entitled to his assets because they were not married. 

It's in the Thai civil code. You can read it. 

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