My Girlfriends Son

[ltdknowledge]

I have been with my girlfriend for a while now and she has a 3 year old son that I love as though he was my own, however I am a little concerned about his upbringing. He has a terrible diet of junk food, such as cakes and sweet which is mainly the fault of the grandmother. His teeth are in a peaty bad way. He his a beautiful kid and we are stopped regally by people who ask about him, sometimes people think he's a girl cause he is really cute.

Since I have been with them I think I have learned him a lot, such as things he can and can't do, touch and can't touch as it was normal for medicine and tablets to be left within his reach, as well as sharp knives to be left on the floor. They just don't see the danger.

I know Grandmothers like to smother their grandchildren but I get the impression she is almost fighting for the affection over his mother. If my girlfriend says no to him, he runs to the grandmother knowing she will say yes and she will give it to him despite the mother saying no.

I'm trying to get him to eat properly and I have been quite successful, and then giving him a treat afterwards. At a restaurant last night after putting various food on the table the GM brought him 3, that’s 3 bowls of ice-cream before he ate anything else. I had had enough at that point as I felt I was hitting a brink wall so I took the ice-cream away and told my girlfriend he eats his food first then he can have a treat, which she agreed.

When driving in the car they don't see the danger of him not wearing a seat belt, he does with me and my girlfriend, infact he puts it on himself. My worst nightmare nearly came true last week after warning countless times that if we had an accident he would be the one injured or killed. We had a minor collision but fortunately we where only doing about 40kph, the grandmother had him in her arms and not the seatbelt. I refuse to drive the car if he isn't and on this occasion I didn't realise he wasn't strapped up. Needless to say my girlfriend was very disturbed by the minor crash.

It is getting to the point where I want to say something to the grandmother but I can't speak enough Thai. She stuffs him with sweets and cakes, buys him toys at his demands where I'm trying to learn him he can't have things all the time, and certainly not when he kicks and screams for it.

He is as good as gold when he is just with me, if he cries he always comes to me first and I believe he respects me because when I say no to something I only have to say it once, and it's always me that he wants to play and have fun with. As soon as the GM is around its screams, demands, moans, and even hitting which really gets me angry as they just laugh at it and think its ok.

Despite the fact I can't stand to see him being stuffed with sweets, and getting his own way when he demands and the hitting, do I just keep out of this as I feel I'm going to say my piece very shortly. Although my girlfriend agrees with me she is a little frightened to say anything to her mother.

The thing is if i was the real father i would be definately putting my foot down. I sometimes feel that the grandparents might think what right do i have to say anything when i'm not part of the family as such. My girlfirend says otherwise and that they think i'm really good and do things that the father never did, but it doesn't feel that way.

Edited December 8, 2006 by ltdknowledge

[November Rain]

You're 100% right with what you're doing for him, both healthwise & stability wise. Kids need & appreciate rules & boundaries, particularly at that age. Unfortunately, his grandmother is showing him love in the only way she knows &, I imagine, she doesn't have the benefit of much education in the way of health, safety, or psychology. It's a difficult situation. If your girlfriend agrees with you, it's really up to her to try to explain why you both want things done a certain way to her mother. This being Thailand, though, it's unlikely she'll do this.

I think your only way forward is to keep on the way you're going & hope some of your ways rub off on the family.

[Farma]

Take him to see a dentist and show GM the bill. Then tell her if she keeps feeding him sweets she will be paying the next dental bill.

You're doing the right thing worrying about him. Try to educate GM on how you want him to be brought up. Some of his temper tantrums may be caused by the sweets as well.

[chuchok]

next time you take him too the Doctor,tell grandma that the doc said that your stepson must cut down on sweet things.

[kayo]

It may be worth trying to (with your GF's help) arranging that Gran gets to have a Granny afternoon once a week or something, but the rest of the week she butts out,if you see what I mean.

Obviously an idea that needs developing. Maybe some members can help with elaborating on that theme?

Edited December 8, 2006 by kayo

[leisurely]

As well as the dental caries, you could point out diabetes is not nice. Needles twice daily etc. if she care for the child -as I am sure she does, surely she has his best interests at heart. Could she substiture fruit (without the chilli sugar mix ) for sweeties?

[bina]

chuchok s advice is the best...

i raised all three of my kids surrounded by aunts uncles and doting grandparents who wanted the grandkids to have what they and their children never had as holocaust survivors and then raising their own kids in fairly spartan style on kibbutz....so the kids got cake candy toys getting what they wanted it just by screaming etc and we all live next to eachother so i couldnt rule on once a week visits. ...

so , in granparents house, thats what happens; in my house, rules. the seatbelt thing we solved in that i made sure either i, my -now ex- husband, or the educated uncles were the drivers and the kids learned also that no seatbelts could be hospital or death, we got stuff from school about seat belts, cavities etc also from the family doctor... and the KIDS did the 're educating granpa and grandma'... it worked to an extent... and saying the DOCTOR --for them practically god- didnt allow it also worked... the rest of it...

... if not seatbelted, then stop the car and dont move until the belt is on and then have the child point to grandma that he doesnt want her to get hurt in an accident and she should also put a seat belt etc...

when u go out to eat, point out to grandma that first the child will eat all his food like a big boy and then grandma can get him all the sweets he wants... i've done this for 19 years and all my kids are decent eaters now, teeth are ok, they all wear seatbelts and drive safely, even wear helmet on motorbike. had a few instances of teenage child 'running away from home' BUT they didnt hit the streets, they ran to grandma; a safer and better solution in my eyes... they got to feel they 'ran away' and i knew where they were, and they could talk to grandma and grandpa and gripe and grumble and get some spoiling and then come backt o whom they KNOW are the parents and get the education...

it took me a while to reconcile with this method as i am american and my parents' house etc was not like this and i wasnt raised that way...but learned to enjoy what i got here.

forgot to mention, these were eastern european, fairly educated adults but frm different background than my 'american' background...

[ltdknowledge]

As well as the dental caries, you could point out diabetes is not nice. Needles twice daily etc. if she care for the child -as I am sure she does, surely she has his best interests at heart. Could she substiture fruit (without the chilli sugar mix ) for sweeties?

I've done this as he actually likes most fruit, but the GM still stuffs the poor boy with junk. Last night went to BigC for some shopping with GM & GP. My girfriend wanted to divert to a market stall which was selling shoes, guess where the grandma was with grandson, buying a box on dohnuts, Guess what grandson was eating this morning for breakfast. I was annoyed that she let her son go with GM as i new what would happen.

The way that i have tried to explain it to my GF is like this. My favorite food is dark chocolate, and if i new i could eat as much as i want without getting fat or unhealthy i would. Give a child the option of chocolate for life or proper food the child would choose chocolate, as they don't understand what happens to your body if you eat to much of it, and we need to teach him to eat good food then the treat will follow.

(actually can anyone translate the above to Thai then i could present that difficult explanation to her parents.)

Anyway we have just had a major row to the point of my girlfriend getting out of the car over this. I said that i can't stand to watch her family treat thier GC like this and that she need to put her foot down. She argued that she has tried but i don't accept that. At the end of the day she is the mother and whatever she want's or says the rest of the family should respect that. I apologise if anyone is eating when you read this but the kiddies poop is like rock. He needs checking out and i feel i'm just banging my head against a brick wall.

Bina QUOTE

i raised all three of my kids surrounded by aunts uncles and doting grandparents who wanted the grandkids to have what they and their children never had as holocaust survivors and then raising their own kids in fairly spartan style on kibbutz....so the kids got cake candy toys getting what they wanted it just by screaming etc and we all live next to eachother so i couldnt rule on once a week visits. ...

I disagree with that to an extent, maybe every situation is different. My GP's brought up 13 children in a poor lifestyle, my father worked down the coal pits at 8 years old, but he still taught me to respect elders, whats good and not good for you, and to make you understand that you get rewarded for doing good things, whatever that maybe be. This was my GM way also, i never met my GP.

Edited December 8, 2006 by ltdknowledge

[kayo]

As well as the dental caries, you could point out diabetes is not nice. Needles twice daily etc. if she care for the child -as I am sure she does, surely she has his best interests at heart. Could she substiture fruit (without the chilli sugar mix ) for sweeties?

I've done this as he actually likes most fruit, but the GM still stuffs the poor boy with junk. Last night went to BigC for some shopping with GM & GP. My girfriend wanted to divert to a market stall which was selling shoes, guess where the grandma was with grandson, buying a box on dohnuts, Guess what grandson was eating this morning for breakfast. I was annoyed that she let her son go with GM as i new what would happen.

The way that i have tried to explain it to my GF is like this. My favorite food is dark chocolate, and if i new i could eat as much as i want without getting fat or unhealthy i would. Give a child the option of chocolate for life or proper food the child would choose chocolate, as they don't understand what happens to your body if you eat to much of it, and we need to teach him to eat good food then the treat will follow.

(actually can anyone translate the above to Thai then i could present that difficult explanation to her parents.)

Anyway we have just had a major row to the point of my girlfriend getting out of the car over this. I said that i can't stand to watch her family treat thier GC like this and that she need to put her foot down. She argued that she has tried but i don't accept that. At the end of the day she is the mother and whatever she want's or says the rest of the family should respect that. I apologise if anyone is eating when you read this but the kiddies poop is like rock.

I'd like to think most members here have been well enough educated not to eat in front of the computer.

(now where's my pizza? )

tough call, bud.

Whetever is communicated to the gran should probably be done by the kid's mother. She would need to put her foor down obiously, but equally obvious she is not.

I think a more subtle tact is required?

[think_too_mut]

I have been with my girlfriend for a while now and she has a 3 year old son that I love as though he was my own, however I am a little concerned about his upbringing. He has a terrible diet of junk food, such as cakes and sweet which is mainly the fault of the grandmother. His teeth are in a peaty bad way.

At 3, why is he staying with his GM? No nursery there?

Bad teeth in 3 yr old - yuk, how did that happen? I can't belive it's only the diet, would have to come from some other direction.

Why is the GM the culprit? Look back into what your GF does.

[November Rain]

I'm not sure even your GF understands fully the risks involved in the child eating & acting like this. After all, fat children used to be desirable to Thais, it proved they had money. Maybe there's still an element of this in her family?

How about you arrange an appointment for him to see a doctor? Take your girlfriend and GM and let him spell it out for them how dangerous the junk food will be for the boy, both now & in later life. After all, childhood likes & habits are very hard to break. Take him to a dentist & let the dentist tell them about dental caries...

[think_too_mut]

After all, fat children used to be desirable to Thais, it proved they had money. Maybe there's still an element of this in her family?

That could be in India. Never heard of that in Thai. Where did you find the base for your post?

[ltdknowledge]

I have been with my girlfriend for a while now and she has a 3 year old son that I love as though he was my own, however I am a little concerned about his upbringing. He has a terrible diet of junk food, such as cakes and sweet which is mainly the fault of the grandmother. His teeth are in a peaty bad way.

At 3, why is he staying with his GM? No nursery there?

Bad teeth in 3 yr old - yuk, how did that happen? I can't belive it's only the diet, would have to come from some other direction.

Why is the GM the culprit? Look back into what your GF does.

You are right. When i first met my girlfriend and when i got to know her son, ther was always chocolates and other junk in the pram when he was aged 2. Baring in mind we were just dating and it was 8 months later when we lived together i noticed she didn't brush his teeth and fed him junk. This i didn't notice until we lived together. When i found the right moment to ask her i said i was concerened about his teeth. She told me she tried but had no help from the husdand at the time and he would scream when she tried.

I convinced her that we needed to do it for his health. He now brushes his teeth himslef with no problem as i have been the one to play the game of brushing teeth. She had neglected him if truth be told and since being with me things have changed. The grandmother will just not respect what we are now trying to do. This unfortunately tonight has led into a family argument and i believe i am looking like a bad person for being concerened about her son.

Edited December 8, 2006 by ltdknowledge

[lannarebirth]

[. This unfortunately tonight has led into a family argument and i believe i am looking like a bad person for being concerened about her son.

Probably, you are looking like a bad person, not because you are concerned about her son, but because you are creating friction in the family and more than implyiing that you are the only one concerned about her son. You've made a few steps forward and now it's time to take a big step backwards, or likely it will become the beginning of the end of your relationship. Family ties are very thick here and you are the outsider/interloper from their perspective.

[November Rain]

After all, fat children used to be desirable to Thais, it proved they had money. Maybe there's still an element of this in her family?

That could be in India. Never heard of that in Thai. Where did you find the base for your post?

By asking Thais. It's also very prevalent in Chinese societies, so I asked whether it was the same reason & received affirmative answers along with many anecdotes