Smile awhile...

[ravip]

Driving me nuts!

An ‘ol salt swaggers into a bar.

He has a ship’s wheel stuffed into the front of his trousers.

The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a ship’s wheel in your trousers!”

The ‘ol salt says, “Aye mate and it’s driving me nuts!”

 

A colourful crash

A boat carrying red paint crashed into a boat carrying blue paint and the crew were marooned.

 

Small change

A thirsty sailor runs from his boat to the nearest bar and shouts to the bartender, “Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!”

The bartender pours out the shots, and the sailor drinks them as fast as he can.

The bartender is very impressed and exclaims, “Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast.”

The sailor replies, “Well, you’d drink that fast too, if you had what I have.”

The bartender says, “Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?”

“Fifty cents!” replied the sailor.

 

Don’t start anything!

A sailor brings his boat up to a restaurant dock to eat lunch.

The dockhand says, “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t let you dine here today. This establishment has a necktie policy, and you are not wearing one.”

“Of course I don’t have a tie on,” replied the sailor, “I’m on a boat!”

“Well, go down below and put one on,” said the dockhand.

“I don’t HAVE one!” shouted the sailor.

The dockhand, not wanting to turn away a customer, said: “Well, why don’t you just find something that approximates a tie. That should be OK.”

After some time, the sailor comes out with a pair of jumper cables. “This is all I could find to put around my neck,” he said.

Sighing, the deck hand said: “OK, I’ll let you in with those, but just don’t start anything.”

 
Testing a fishy theory

Two sailors are talking:

Sailor A: “I hear fish is good brain food.”

Sailor B: “Yeah, I eat it all the time.”

Sailor A: “Well, there goes another theory!”

 

Professional courtesy

A doctor, a dentist and a lawyer were in a boat together when a wave came along and washed them all overboard.

Unable to get back into the boat, they decided two would hold on to the boat and the third would swim to shore for help.

They noticed that there were hundreds of sharks between them and land.

Without a word the lawyer took off! As he swam the sharks move aside.

The dentist yelled, “It’s a miracle!”

“No”, said the doctor, “That’s professional courtesy!”

 

An expensive snore cure

A woman was nearing the end of her tether – every night her husband was snored so loudly that it kept her awake.

She decided to call the family doctor to see if there was anything that could be done to relieve her nightly suffering.

“Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband of his snoring,”  said the doctor, “but I must warn you that it is rather expensive. It
will cost you a deposit of £15,000, and payments of £1,000 for 48 months, as well as money for extras.”

“Good grief!” exclaimed the woman. “That sounds like I’m buying a yacht!”

“Hmm,” the doctor murmured, “too obvious, huh?

 

How did you get that eye patch?

A sailor and a pirate are in a bar recounting their adventures at sea. Seeing the pirate’s peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the sailor asks: “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”

The pirate replies: “We were caught in a huge storm and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as me crew were pullin’ me out a school of sharks appeared and one of ’em bit me leg off.”

“Blimey!” said the sailor . “And how’d you get the hook?”

“Arrrr…”, mused the old salt, “I got into a fight over a woman in a bar, and me hand got chopped off.”

“Blimey!” remarked the sailor. “And how about the eye patch?”

“Oh that,” said the pirate, looking embarrassed. A seagull droppin’ fell into me eye.”

“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the questioner asked incredulously.

“Well…” said the old sea dog, ” it was me first day with the hook.”

 

What did the newbie say to the skipper? 

Newbie: “Do yachts like this sink very often?”
Skipper: “No, usually it’s only once.”

 

No … you change your course!

Dead ahead, through the pitch-black night, a captain sees a light on a collision course with his ship.

Reaching for the radio, he says: “Change your course ten degrees east.”

“Change yours ten degrees west,” comes the reply.

The captain responds, “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”

“I’m a seaman second class,” the next reply comes back. “Change your course, sir.”

The captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”

The man replies, “I’m in a lighthouse. Your call.”

 

And didn’t spill a drop.

An old captain and his first mate are reminiscing about their days on the Arctic convoys of World War II together.

Captain: “All through those terrible, dark, storm wracked nights, you never once failed to bring me a steaming full mug of tea on the night watch. How on earth did you manage it without ever spilling a drop?

First mate: “Well Sir, since you ask, I used to take a swig of your tea in the galley, then spit it back in the mug when I got to your door.”

 

Hand me the shovel.

A pair of a novice sailors’ best mate died, and, in his will, specified that he wanted them to bury him at sea.

So, the pair set out from shore in a rowboat with the body. They had rowed out a little way when one got out of the boat and stood knee deep in water.

“We need to go out further,” he told the other. So they rowed out another fifty yards, and the same sailor jumped out again to find the water reached his chin.

“We need to go out further,” he said again.

About 150 yards from shore, he jumped out of the rowboat again and disappeared under water. After five minutes, he reappeared coughing and spluttering, and said to the other: “Thats far enough; hand me the shovel.”