ballpoint

I can proove to you that I'm psikick. Right now you're thinking, "He can't spell."

Just got banned from TripAdvisor for posting a negative review of the Albert Hall. Four hours I walked around it, and still couldn't find Adolf Hitler's missing ball.

Took my cat to the vet and explained she was very listless and not moving. The vet put a stethoscope to her chest and said “Say aaah” I said “she can’t say aaah!” And he said “I wasn’t talking to the cat, I was talking to you. The cat’s dead”

My doctor asked me what my digestive system was like. I said "Like everybody else's. I take the biscuit, dunk it in my tea, then eat it."

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts I put £1 in. It’s currently half empty

As we left the restaurant, she kissed me and said, "We should have dinner again." "No thanks," I replied, "I'm full."

I fail to understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

I just walked past the bookies in town. There was a sign on the door saying Open Sunday 11-4 I thought "I'll have a tenner on that", as it's been open every Sunday I can remember.

A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar Walked into a bar. He came, he saw, he conquered.

How God turned a rib into a loudspeaker is still a mystery to me......

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list. Now I can’t read any of it.

I used to be chief executive of a large non-profit-making organisation, but they let me go. We weren't supposed to be one.

In today's Independent: "Americans want to know why British homes have 'tiny' doors". It's called eating sensibly.