ballpoint

Though, given the location, maybe that's what he was wanting.

Our local chapter of the Flat Earth Society is so pressed for members that they're offering each new applicant a chance to win a round the world cruise.

Coming soon; Every missile that Russia fires will land in the sea, somewhere off the coast of Japan.

The UK is well and truly trussed up and ready for the oven. Unlike Boris's Brexit deal.

I like talking down to people

I should have cushioned the punchline.

Rumour has it that the floods in Pakistan were deliberate, and caused by a Suicide Plumber.

Our local supermarket has had a makeover and they’ve created what they call immersive shopping experience. As you walk into the shop, you pass beautifully stacked fruits and vegetables in a light cloud of mist. Go to the oranges and there’s a gentle, sweet smell of freshly squeezed orange juice. Around the potato, there the smell of newly fried chips. Get to the deli counter and your senses are triggered by the sound and aroma of sizzling bacon. The fish counter has gentle sounds of the ocean, with gulls crowing. Go for some eggs and there’s the sound of free range chickens clucking and pecking. The smell in the coffee aisle is amazing; a strong aroma of the finest freshly ground coffee. The checkouts are flat out. There’s queues to park, queues in the aisles and the tills are crammed. They’ve never taken so much cash. On the downside, sales of toilet paper have collapsed.

If you're having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky.

They had to get a translator at the benefits office today. Some cheeky sod came in speaking English.

Corduroy pillows. They're making headlines!