ballpoint

The radio station is running a competition today to win either £100 shopping voucher or two tickets to see an Elvis Tribute act. I don't know whether to press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

Alcohol: Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your ability to do so.

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead all worked at the same company and for the same female boss who would turn off the lights in her office and leave early every day… One day, the three women decided that when the boss left they'd leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to the office once she left for the day, so how would she know? The next day, all three women left the office just minutes after the boss. The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, prepared a nice dinner for her family, and enjoyed a relaxing evening. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the gym before having dinner and drinks with a friend at their favourite restaurant. The blonde was happy to be home early too, but when she walked upstairs to change out of her work clothes and into something more comfortable, the bedroom door was closed and she heard a banging sound… Quietly, she cracked the door open and was mortified when she saw her loving husband in bed with her boss… She closed the door without making a sound and tip-toed out of the house, angry and disappointed… The next day at work, during morning coffee break, the brunette and the redhead decided when the boss left early they'd leave right behind her again. They told the blonde their plan and asked her if she was in… "Are you kidding me," snapped the blonde, "I almost got caught yesterday!"

Anyone know a cure for excessive ear wax? Please give me a shout.

Vladimir Putin goes to see a fortune teller, curious about his future, "I see you in the back of a big black car, being driven down the streets of Moscow. People are lining the streets, happily cheering and smiling." "Am I waving?" asks Putin. "No," the fortune teller replies, "but the driver of the hearse is."

Transit van with full tank of diesel... Looking to swap for 4-5 bedroom house in London.

If someone had told the younger me, about to start university at 16, just what the following 40 years of my life would be like, I'd have been very happy. And, at 56, still am. Hopefully the next 40 are just as good.