ballpoint

Still not bragging, but I finished my 14 day diet in just 4 hours and 15 minutes.

Don't want to brag, but I just won the national "Snotty Nose" award yet again. That's 3 years running now!

I'm learning to play the cello and have been practising on the beach. I only know 2 notes so far, but for some reason it freaks everyone out.

“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my Grandad used to say. Loved the man. Hated his coffee

In these tough times, I've been trying to earn a small income using my lathe to make religious figures out of wood. It's not going well so far. I still haven’t managed to turn a prophet.

I went Bobsleighing today... Killed six Bobs.

I'm not being paranoid, but there are 5 Peruvian owls sitting on my fence, watching me through the kitchen window! I'm sure they're Inca hoots.

"If you don’t know the exact moment when the lights will go out, you might as well read until they do.” - Clive James.

The Dirtski Thirtski

The bigger decision for his closest fans is if they want to lie in a courthouse with him.

I just went to the electrical shop and the assistants ignored me. Finally I shouted "would someone please sell me a kettle?" One bloke came over and said "Kenwood?" "Would he?" I asked, " Well, where is he then?"

While it's likely that this guy may well have been incorrectly taking up a handicapped spot, sometimes things aren't what they seem. These spots are not just for handicapped drivers, but also disabled - either permanently or temporarily - passengers who require the extra space to get out of and into the car. A couple of years back I broke an ankle and both shoulders (all of them mine, unfortunately), so was unable to use crutches, but had to hobble around on a walking frame for a while. Coming back from my frequent follow up hospital visits, with my wife driving, we would often stop in the local Robinson centre. Most of the time I'd wait in the car, but occasionally wanted to get out to take the weight off my behind. The first time this happened, my wife explained the situation to the parking attendant / security guard, and we were directed to a disabled bay. We had two choices of vehicle to take on these trips, a 4WD pickup truck, which I found difficult to climb into and out of, and a two door sports car, which has extra long doors to ease access into the rear, which I found very easy to get in and out of, so that was our choice. I fully appreciate that anyone walking past and seeing a sports car parked in a disabled bay would have had a few choice remarks to make, but it was entirely justified, and as soon as I was able to walk with a stick we no longer parked in it. Lay off the criticism, and brake fluid, until you see both the driver and passenger. (If both are fully able bodied, however, then go ahead).

Just as it would have been very simple for WW2 not to have happened.

A recent CNN story showing newly liberated areas, including the town of Mykhailivka, as the front moves forwards hour by hour. The happiness of the people to see the Ukrainian soldiers, and Western media, is clear to see - no 'Yes" to Russian referendum voters here. As are the more disturbing images of dead Russian soldiers, abandoned where they fell, along with clothing, weapons and the odd tank or two. Someone needs to hack into the Russian TV network and play this footage so the families of those who's sons, brothers and fathers are in Ukraine can see just what "leave no man behind" actually means to Putin. Unsurprisingly, the Russians continue to shell the newly liberated towns and villages in yet another act of criminality. What price one man's demented dreams of empire? And what price is yet to be paid?

Probably not. Because a disunited NATO wouldn't have got together and backed Ukraine, so Russian troops could have walked all over the country while Trump applauded Putin's military genius. Which was Putin's plan all along.

My wife and I always agreed we would not go to bed angry with each other. Now we've been awake since Monday.

I went to a night club last night... I said: "Do you do a 60s night?" The manager said: "We used to." I said: "When?" He said, "In the 60s."

Chatting to a guy at work, he happened to slip that I was known as the office computer amongst the other employees. "That must be due to my high intelligence and fast operating speed", I said. "No" he said, "You go to sleep if left alone for more than 15 minutes"

Stephen has just won second place in a Fidel Castro lookalike contest. Close, but no cigar....

I've just won the 'Most secretive person 2022' award. I can't tell you how much it means to me.