ballpoint

Come to Daddy and I'll make you a citizen. No guesses as to who.

No wonder nobody saw it in a while.

Someone must have grassed them up.

I asked the Doctor 'Is my being overweight due to my underactive thyroid?' He said 'No, it's due to your overactive knife and fork'

My career path over my life was to become a wit - I'm halfway there.

I thought that finally I was over my obsession with Tipperary, but my doctor says I still have a way to go.

I've just finished reading about the entire history of lubricant. It's the best non friction book I've ever read

While much is known about the great Diana Dors, very little is known about her sister Erin. Except she never went out much.

My wife and I are finally sexually compatible. Now we both get a headache at the same time.

I had a right fright just now. I was in the bath reading a ghost story, next thing I felt a tap on my shoulder.

"Dad, can you tell me what an eclipse is?" " No son"

Haven't the North Koreans suffered enough?

The old "if I can't have it, no one can" gambit, much favoured by children, and those with the intellect of children.

Thanks to Putin's Ukraine invasion, we are now in a position to see what it would have been like had the internet existed in the late 1930s. Social media ablaze with the likes of Ford, Mosley, Lindbergh, and other NAZI sympathisers and their followers. All quoting Lord Haw Haw broadcasts and Viscount Rothermere articles as valid sources of their material. No matter how low the cause, how tyrannical the man, there will always be a group along to defend it and him.

I had my patience tested the other day. I’m negative.

In the light of the Einstein riddle posted previously, see who can pass this one...

I'm not saying I'm old, but... I went to an antique show and people started bidding on me. I can't go near the curb on bin day. I used to do nothing for an hour or so, but now it takes all day. Losing weight doesn't seem to be working for me, so from now I'm going to concentrate on getting taller. My body is a temple, ancient and crumbling, maybe even cursed or haunted. I came. I saw. I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps. Got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what's going on.

Some people are like clouds. Once they disappear it's a beautiful day.

I'm a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!

Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.

I thought the dryer was making my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."

America's biggest export under Trump. Sold to the lowest bidder.