ballpoint

A woman decides to test her three Son in-laws for their good nature. For this, She goes for a walk by a river with the 1st Son-In-Law and jumps in. He saves her. Next morning he finds a Toyota Corolla parked outside his house with note: " From your Mother-In-Law". Later she goes for a walk by the river with the 2nd Son-In-Law and jumps in. He too saves her. Next morning he also finds a Toyota Corolla parked outside his house with note: "From your Mother-In-Law". Next day she goes for a walk by the river with the 3rd Son-In-Law & jumps in. He ignores her and walks away. Next morning he finds a BMW M5 parked outside his house with note: " From your Father-In-Law!"

A golfer sees a an empty car rolling down the green towards some Arabs. He sprints as fast as he can towards them and with a mighty dive manages to push the one in danger out of harms way, unfortunately at the expense of his own golf bag and contents. The Arab says: "You saved my life! Whatever you want, if it can be bought, I will get it for you!" "just a set of golf clubs please" replies the modest guy. A week later his phone rings and its the Arab "About these golf clubs. I’ve got you a lovely set but one of them doesn't have a swimming pool. Is that okay with you?"

If they could only close his mouth as well, then it would be a good day for justice.

Two multimillionaire friends met up for lunch and started chatting. "So how's your home life?" asks the first multimillionaire. "Couldn't be better," replies the second multimillionaire. "I bought an elephant!" "An elephant? Are you crazy?" "It's the best purchase I ever made! He grazes the lawn and makes it nice and even. The kids love to ride him and slide down his trunk, so now they are playing outside and being kids instead of just watching TV all day. My wife loves him, too. He's very strong and helps her move things when I'm not around. Honestly, I can't think of a better pet." The first multimillionaire thinks for a moment. "That's actually kind of amazing. How much did you pay for him?" "Five hundred thousand pounds. What a bargain, huh?" "Can I buy him for one million pounds?" "What?! I can't sell him. He's part of my family now!" "Okay. Two million?" "You can't put a price on something so useful!" "Three million?" "Fine. I'll sell him for three million pounds, but only because you're my friend." A few months later, the multimillionaires meet again. The first multimillionaire is raging. "The elephant may have been useful to you, but he's a burden to me. He may have grazed your lawn, but he ate all my trees and left dung all over my lawn. The kids are terrified of that huge, noisy, aggressive thing. My wife and I haven't had a good night's sleep in months because the elephant keeps us awake. It's the worst purchase I ever made!" "I don't know what to say," says the second multimillionaire. "But with that attitude, you'll never be able to sell him !!”

I was telling my co workers a joke at coffee break. "What do you do if your mate has an epileptic fit in the bath?" “Throw your laundry in.” One of the co workers said “that's not funny, my brother died having a fit in the bath.” "Oh, so sorry. Did he drown?" “No, he choked on a sock.”

It's that hot today, I saw a scouser take his hands out of someone else's pockets.

My old grandad rang me today to say the local Primary School has installed speedbumps. He said for some reason they've dressed them in school uniforms.

I don't take anything serious in the newspaper, except for fish and chips. And even that I take with a pinch of salt.

Sometimes I call the number on missing dog posters and just bark.

Watching the Tory leadership contest is like watching a pantomime horse with a dozen ar5es and no head.

Stop trying to corner the pie market.