ballpoint

Things were going well until the time came to plug the UK supply into the Moroccan socket:

I'm so unlucky in love. I once dated a blind girl, but it turned out she was seeing someone else.

I started a pessimism jar. It's like a swear jar where you put money in if you have negative thoughts. I've only had it a couple of days and it's already half empty.

The missus brought home a tub of ice cream and asked if I wanted some. "How hard is it?" I asked. She cheekily replied, "As hard as you are when you're thinking about me naked." I said, "Ok, pour me a glass!"

I just can't believe how rude the guy manning the suppository helpline was.

I've started a business selling prayer mats which double as trampolines. Prophets are going through the roof!

My mate had two watches stolen from his hotel room in Spain… Adios Omegas!

I saw a bloke by the shops dressed as Henry VIII. He was sitting in the doorway asking people for money. I thought, that can't be right - Beggars can't be Tudors?