ballpoint

Things were going well until the time came to plug the UK supply into the Moroccan socket:

I'm so unlucky in love. I once dated a blind girl, but it turned out she was seeing someone else.

I started a pessimism jar. It's like a swear jar where you put money in if you have negative thoughts. I've only had it a couple of days and it's already half empty.

The missus brought home a tub of ice cream and asked if I wanted some. "How hard is it?" I asked. She cheekily replied, "As hard as you are when you're thinking about me naked." I said, "Ok, pour me a glass!"

I just can't believe how rude the guy manning the suppository helpline was.

I've started a business selling prayer mats which double as trampolines. Prophets are going through the roof!

My mate had two watches stolen from his hotel room in Spain… Adios Omegas!

I saw a bloke by the shops dressed as Henry VIII. He was sitting in the doorway asking people for money. I thought, that can't be right - Beggars can't be Tudors?

I went to get the playing cards out earlier and found that my wife had super glued them all together. I thought ‘I can’t deal with this’.

I don't know what they are teaching kids at school these days… Half can't read, half can't write, and the other half can't add!

Whilst on a ladder putting a cinema poster up, a lady came up to me and asked, "Is King Kong coming?" I said, "No it's just the paste off my brush!"

I was picking up dog poo in the park this morning and thought to myself... I should really get a dog!