Can you ever come first?

[Csaw]

...or will you forever be within the confines of the back seat when it comes to her parents.

 

The longer we are together, the more i sense that to her, "family" means her parents, only. 

 

Is this a prevalent mindset among Thai women, or am i just unlucky.

[billd766]

I live in rural Khampaeng Phet with my wife and son.

 

When we were building our bigger house we built a small house for my wife to live in while our house was being built and for her parents when they were ready to leave BKK.

 

My wife had her mother up to stay with us for about 5 years until the MIL died about 2 years ago.

 

Her Dad is in BKK in hospital with dengue fever and Alzheimers and my wife went down to help out yesterday leaving me and our 13 year old son here as he has exams to finish.

 

She has 3 brothers, 2 of whom work full time and the third is a casualty of the drug wars and though he can look after himself he can't look after Dad as well.

 

I am not sure what will happen at the end of term, whether she wants our son to go down or stay here until something happens one way or another. Hopefully her Dad will recover and we can bring him up here to relax and recover.

 

Am I upset about the fact that she has gone to help out her Dad?

 

Not in the slightest.

 

I knew about this long before we were married 17 years ago (and have known each other about 24 years) and I accept it as a normal thing.

 

Unlike the west when parents get old and stuffed into a retirement home and visited once a month, many Thai families support and look after each other. This is why many Thai women leave their children with her parents, find work elsewhere and send money back every month.

 

 

[transam]

2 hours ago, Csaw said:

...or will you forever be within the confines of the back seat when it comes to her parents.

 

The longer we are together, the more i sense that to her, "family" means her parents, only. 

 

Is this a prevalent mindset among Thai women, or am i just unlucky.

Family comes first, good and bad..........Anyone coming here MUST understand that....This ain't farangland...

[cornishcarlos]

I came first once... Its just not worth the moaning as you try to nod off !!

[Csaw]

6 hours ago, cornishcarlos said:

I came first once... Its just not worth the moaning as you try to nod off !!

For better understanding, "bitching" would have been a better choice of vocabulary here instead of "moaning" :)

[Been there done that]

8 hours ago, billd766 said:

I live in rural Khampaeng Phet with my wife and son.

 

When we were building our bigger house we built a small house for my wife to live in while our house was being built and for her parents when they were ready to leave BKK.

 

My wife had her mother up to stay with us for about 5 years until the MIL died about 2 years ago.

 

Her Dad is in BKK in hospital with dengue fever and Alzheimers and my wife went down to help out yesterday leaving me and our 13 year old son here as he has exams to finish.

 

She has 3 brothers, 2 of whom work full time and the third is a casualty of the drug wars and though he can look after himself he can't look after Dad as well.

 

I am not sure what will happen at the end of term, whether she wants our son to go down or stay here until something happens one way or another. Hopefully her Dad will recover and we can bring him up here to relax and recover.

 

Am I upset about the fact that she has gone to help out her Dad?

 

Not in the slightest.

 

I knew about this long before we were married 17 years ago (and have known each other about 24 years) and I accept it as a normal thing.

 

Unlike the west when parents get old and stuffed into a retirement home and visited once a month, many Thai families support and look after each other. This is why many Thai women leave their children with her parents, find work elsewhere and send money back every month.

 

 

Your last sentence, you still must be very naive at old age. The only result is <deleted> up kids becoming <deleted> up adults who are unable to bond with others later in life.Family always 1st, for right or wrong. The destruction of SELF.

[OmarZaid]

23 hours ago, billd766 said:

I live in rural Khampaeng Phet with my wife and son.

 

When we were building our bigger house we built a small house for my wife to live in while our house was being built and for her parents when they were ready to leave BKK.

 

My wife had her mother up to stay with us for about 5 years until the MIL died about 2 years ago.

 

Her Dad is in BKK in hospital with dengue fever and Alzheimers and my wife went down to help out yesterday leaving me and our 13 year old son here as he has exams to finish.

 

She has 3 brothers, 2 of whom work full time and the third is a casualty of the drug wars and though he can look after himself he can't look after Dad as well.

 

I am not sure what will happen at the end of term, whether she wants our son to go down or stay here until something happens one way or another. Hopefully her Dad will recover and we can bring him up here to relax and recover.

 

Am I upset about the fact that she has gone to help out her Dad?

 

Not in the slightest.

 

I knew about this long before we were married 17 years ago (and have known each other about 24 years) and I accept it as a normal thing.

 

Unlike the west when parents get old and stuffed into a retirement home and visited once a month, many Thai families support and look after each other. This is why many Thai women leave their children with her parents, find work elsewhere and send money back every month.

 

 

Bravo . . . similar experience and none the worse for it ... I do everything to support her and her responsibilities and she reciprocates without qualm, especially between the sheets

 

[kaneko86]

I not see much difference between thai families and Italian ones. We also have bigger families and we usually have one pair of the grandparents living in the house (of course separated apartment) and me and my sisters give some money to my parents. But we will get mostly back as we will get an apartment sooner or later...

 

I guess in Northern Europe it's much different but I don't know...

[1FinickyOne]

I just can't imagine making such distinctions... My wife loves her parents, they are nice people. I am glad to help them out when they need something special as I am glad to help out the others in the family too. 

 

We just don't have a list ordered by some hierarchical priority. I am living with a large Thai family in the village and nobody would ever have a conversation as to who comes first. 

 

Unless there is a flood and my wife is faced with the proverbial one rope and 2 drowning people question - who cares? We are a family and all help each other out when needed... and yes, they have and do easily show concern for me the rare time it is needed. 

 

We are raising children here. They usually need the most attention. 

[1FinickyOne]

On September 27, 2560 BE at 2:10 PM, billd766 said:

I live in rural Khampaeng Phet with my wife and son.

 

When we were building our bigger house we built a small house for my wife to live in while our house was being built and for her parents when they were ready to leave BKK.

 

My wife had her mother up to stay with us for about 5 years until the MIL died about 2 years ago.

 

Her Dad is in BKK in hospital with dengue fever and Alzheimers and my wife went down to help out yesterday leaving me and our 13 year old son here as he has exams to finish.

 

She has 3 brothers, 2 of whom work full time and the third is a casualty of the drug wars and though he can look after himself he can't look after Dad as well.

 

I am not sure what will happen at the end of term, whether she wants our son to go down or stay here until something happens one way or another. Hopefully her Dad will recover and we can bring him up here to relax and recover.

 

Am I upset about the fact that she has gone to help out her Dad?

 

Not in the slightest.

 

I knew about this long before we were married 17 years ago (and have known each other about 24 years) and I accept it as a normal thing.

 

Unlike the west when parents get old and stuffed into a retirement home and visited once a month, many Thai families support and look after each other. This is why many Thai women leave their children with her parents, find work elsewhere and send money back every month.

 

 

Absolutely - it is simply called being a family and the reason families exist - to help each other out. When there are "incidents" as with your FIL  - we do exactly the same... when my FIL was in the local hospital, there were a rotating crew of near 20 people there every day and everyone helps out if anything needs to be done. It is more normal when people help each other rather than try and prioritise who is most important.

[Katipo]

I'm with a girl who is financially independent, as are her parents. She 'takes care' of them as I would my own. So far no problems at all. 

I believe that the more financially dependent the parents will be/are on their kids, the more likely they are to influence and be directly involved in their kids every day lives. I am of course generalising, and there will be exceptions.

[dotpoom]

On 27/09/2017 at 2:10 PM, billd766 said:

I live in rural Khampaeng Phet with my wife and son.

 

When we were building our bigger house we built a small house for my wife to live in while our house was being built and for her parents when they were ready to leave BKK.

 

My wife had her mother up to stay with us for about 5 years until the MIL died about 2 years ago.

 

Her Dad is in BKK in hospital with dengue fever and Alzheimers and my wife went down to help out yesterday leaving me and our 13 year old son here as he has exams to finish.

 

She has 3 brothers, 2 of whom work full time and the third is a casualty of the drug wars and though he can look after himself he can't look after Dad as well.

 

I am not sure what will happen at the end of term, whether she wants our son to go down or stay here until something happens one way or another. Hopefully her Dad will recover and we can bring him up here to relax and recover.

 

Am I upset about the fact that she has gone to help out her Dad?

 

Not in the slightest.

 

I knew about this long before we were married 17 years ago (and have known each other about 24 years) and I accept it as a normal thing.

 

Unlike the west when parents get old and stuffed into a retirement home and visited once a month, many Thai families support and look after each other. This is why many Thai women leave their children with her parents, find work elsewhere and send money back every month.

 

 

Good man. Just like your father in law, my wife's mother is going a little "ga ga". She didn' t want to leave me here but I insisted that she go and take care her mother. She feels good about herself and I feel good about myself for doing my best to assist in any way I can. My own mother died when I was 13. I took the same route when my Ex's mother went the same way.

   I have no problem accepting that her mother should come first.....and both my wife and myself will have nothing but good luck for doing the right thing.

[Lucky mike]

Must start with your eyes wide open !  You don't just marry the wife, you marry the family !

[bazza73]

On 9/27/2017 at 11:13 AM, Csaw said:

...or will you forever be within the confines of the back seat when it comes to her parents.

 

The longer we are together, the more i sense that to her, "family" means her parents, only. 

 

Is this a prevalent mindset among Thai women, or am i just unlucky.

Family is a prevalent mindset among Thai women. However, you are not in the back seat - that's YOUR mindset. The family is everything to a Thai, so as part of the family in your hour of need she will be there.

I can remember a few years ago being violently ill from some dodgy squid. My Thai GF had her brother and a couple of neighbours all organised to cart me off to hospital within a few minutes. I recovered quickly; however, she continued to fuss over me for the next two days. She also went back to the squid seller and publicly reamed him a new a$$$hole. He didn't reappear in the market for several months.

You are not unlucky. The family aspect of Thai culture is both a strength and a weakness, when you look at the support some oxygen thieves get.

[Enoon]

 

5 hours ago, kaneko86 said:

I not see much difference between thai families and Italian ones. We also have bigger families and we usually have one pair of the grandparents living in the house (of course separated apartment) and me and my sisters give some money to my parents. But we will get mostly back as we will get an apartment sooner or later...

 

I guess in Northern Europe it's much different but I don't know...

 

Historically the multiple generation household/unit has been the norm in most of the world.

 

Temporary wealth in parts of Europe (as a result of Imperial expansion) led, in later years, to subsequent residual wealth evolving into state subsidy and social care, which tended to "disintegrate" such structures.

 

But as that wealth diminishes, and moves further out of reach of more people, the "good old days" are returning.

 

 

 

 

 

[jimcarr65]

In my experience, you will never be first. It will always be family, Buddah and you. However, in my case we came to an understanding where I understand the culture and I am aware of the family being important. But the family and I should be on similar ground where I agree to help out when I can, but in no way can I or will I build houses or give support above my means. Sure, I can afford to give a few thousand baht a month for medicine, but we need to be reasonable. 

[milys]

On 2017-09-27 at 2:10 PM, billd766 said:

I live in rural Khampaeng Phet with my wife and son.

 

When we were building our bigger house we built a small house for my wife to live in while our house was being built and for her parents when they were ready to leave BKK.

 

My wife had her mother up to stay with us for about 5 years until the MIL died about 2 years ago.

 

Her Dad is in BKK in hospital with dengue fever and Alzheimers and my wife went down to help out yesterday leaving me and our 13 year old son here as he has exams to finish.

 

She has 3 brothers, 2 of whom work full time and the third is a casualty of the drug wars and though he can look after himself he can't look after Dad as well.

 

I am not sure what will happen at the end of term, whether she wants our son to go down or stay here until something happens one way or another. Hopefully her Dad will recover and we can bring him up here to relax and recover.

 

Am I upset about the fact that she has gone to help out her Dad?

 

Not in the slightest.

 

I knew about this long before we were married 17 years ago (and have known each other about 24 years) and I accept it as a normal thing.

 

Unlike the west when parents get old and stuffed into a retirement home and visited once a month, many Thai families support and look after each other. This is why many Thai women leave their children with her parents, find work elsewhere and send money back every month.

 

 

What else is new ?

[MyFriend You]

On 9/27/2017 at 11:13 AM, Csaw said:

...or will you forever be within the confines of the back seat when it comes to her parents.

 

The longer we are together, the more i sense that to her, "family" means her parents, only. 

 

Is this a prevalent mindset among Thai women, or am i just unlucky.

Back seat??  You are lucky to be able to sit in the car at all..........I am sure yiou will get all kinds of answers to your question, when I was married to a Thai many moons ago, I always felt I was 'tolerated' and respected to my face, behind my back I was 'the fuhlung'.  I was never mistreated or ignored, but never felt 100% that I was part of that family.  It was best we separated and went our own ways.

[473geo]

Well for a start when the children come along the time your wife devotes to them will considerably eat into the time she has for her husband. Then there is running the home, in the case of my wife also running the farm. So I fully expect I am not always uppermost in her thoughts. But accept always there or thereabouts.

For the first few years of our relationship we lived with our 2 children in the house of my mother in law, we helped improve the house a little and the mother in law benefitted from our presence, in return, making all of our family welcome.

From when we first had the village wedding the mother in law and wife raised some land and this was put aside for our new home. We happily rolled along for a few years while the soil settled, and although a regular recurring question 'when make house' I was put under no real pressure. In fact it became a standing joke when my wife said some family had visited I always enquired did, they ask when make house.  But I was aware of the understanding and patience shown by my wife and family waiting until I was ready.

As luck would have I fell on an exceptional earning year and we built a house and bought a bit more land. It is a modest home does not over shadow any of the family homes nearby and is functional not showy. I had talked a long time about finally coming to live in Thailand and the making of a home signaled the reality. 

Now the question asked by the family visitors is 'when come to live Thailand' 

I would be lying if I ignored the initial part of our relationship where I did not feel instantly accepted. But as the Thai people come to know you, see how you treat their daughter, and your children, see how you are prepared to join in, and fit with your surroundings, become a part of daily life, accept them for what they are, then yes you become part of the family team. My mother in law has done a great deal to support my wife and family, my wife has repaid the consideration, and is, I am sure of great comfort to her mother. I expect no less.

For me I am fortunate, I look forward to every day I can spend at home in Thailand, and the coming time when my corporate working life will be drawn to a close, and I can return to enjoy my farming roots, and my family at home in Thailand.

 

 

[cornishcarlos]

On 27/09/2017 at 9:02 PM, Csaw said:

For better understanding, "bitching" would have been a better choice of vocabulary here instead of "moaning" :)

 

Nope, she was definitely moaning !!

[Andycoops]

Always family first for the Thais.

Farang are 3rd class here and it pays literally to know it.

[473geo]

53 minutes ago, Andycoops said:

Always family first for the Thais.

Farang are 3rd class here and it pays literally to know it.

Come on, the way some behave they don't even deserve 3rd class. It takes effort to achieve acceptance in Thailand, some work at it, and deserve the rewards, others are happy to go the pub and moan about being badly done to!!

I agree family first, but when you are one of the family, life is good.

[Been there done that]

9 hours ago, jimcarr65 said:

In my experience, you will never be first. It will always be family, Buddah and you. However, in my case we came to an understanding where I understand the culture and I am aware of the family being important. But the family and I should be on similar ground where I agree to help out when I can, but in no way can I or will I build houses or give support above my means. Sure, I can afford to give a few thousand baht a month for medicine, but we need to be reasonable. 

Reasonable, haha thats a good 1. Reciprocity is mostly an unknown phenomenen in mixed relations here. Know your limits mate.

[Watchful]

I think I am missing something here.

 

As I understand it, you want to cum first in the back seat.

 

In heavens name ... Why??

[ToddinChonburi]

This is how things used to be in our own countries until the selfish took over .

[jacko45k]

I think it is a combination of growing a set and living far enough away.

[tryasimight]

22 hours ago, Andycoops said:

Always family first for the Thais.

Farang are 3rd class here and it pays literally to know it.

More bar stool crap being regurgitated incessantly.

[tryasimight]

21 hours ago, 473geo said:

Come on, the way some behave they don't even deserve 3rd class. It takes effort to achieve acceptance in Thailand, some work at it, and deserve the rewards, others are happy to go the pub and moan about being badly done to!!

I agree family first, but when you are one of the family, life is good.

Thank you for saying that.

[farq]

On 29/09/2017 at 3:56 AM, 473geo said:

Come on, the way some behave they don't even deserve 3rd class. It takes effort to achieve acceptance in Thailand, some work at it, and deserve the rewards, others are happy to go the pub and moan about being badly done to!!

I agree family first, but when you are one of the family, life is good.

You are 110% correct, mate!  You get back what you put in to the relationship with the wife, family and the village. 

[Been there done that]

15 minutes ago, farq said:

You are 110% correct, mate!  You get back what you put in to the relationship with the wife, family and the village. 

Ohhhh, i have seen and heard that the only thing one gets back is.....PROBLEMS. Of all kind