In the year 2003 I was living in Thailand and struggling with everything in my life.

I’d met Ben, a German guy on a gay dating site and we’d started a relationship.

I’m a Thai guy in my twenties; slim, good looking and Ben was in his sixties; fat, short, and bald.



Sometimes I would stay in his apartment and sometimes I would stay at home. Ben sent me to a German language school in Bangkok to learn how to speak, read and write German. He was a retired professor from a German University and he worked part-time as a German reporter in Thailand. He wrote articles for a local newspaper for the German community in Thailand.



He got quite a good pension from his university and he could live comfortably in Thailand. He also got extra money as a reporter. The cost of living in Thailand is much lower than in Germany; that’s the reason why so many people from first world countries live in Thailand after their retirement.



I didn’t have a job so I helped Ben with his work. He gave me an allowance and some extra money whenever I needed it. Even though he was not rich, he was quite generous with me. It was quite common in Thailand for Western people to give money to their male or female Thai lover.



One day I told him he should move from his apartment to a bigger house. He agreed, and we found a good house to rent. It was much larger and nicer than the apartment. I came to live with him only on and off because sometimes I liked to stay with my mother in her house.



After a few months he told me he loved me very much. He would always give me some kind of affection such as kissing and hugging when I came to his rented house. When I stayed overnight with him, he would always hold me gently while I was sleeping.



One day when we were on the escalator in the shopping mall he touched my hair gently and said my hair was so beautiful. It was so soft like silk and my hairstyle was nice.

One day he told me he wanted to bring me to Germany so we could register as legal partners. It was called a registered partnership and it was available for same sex partner since 2001 in Germany.



We planned to go there and went to the German embassy to learn the procedures. He told me once we became registered partners, I would get his pension for the rest of my life in case he passed away.



He also made a will that I would inherit everything he owned such as an apartment in Cologne and all of his money in his bank account in Germany. He left his will with the German embassy in Bangkok. Everything was fine until some incident happened.



A white Caucasian American man sent me a message through the same gay dating site that I had met Ben. I’d forgotten to deactivate my profile so he was able to send me a message. He said I looked very cute and he would like to get to know me. He described himself and I didn’t think it was going to be a big deal. He wanted to meet me and I agreed. We first met in a restaurant and he - Michael - was so handsome in my eyes. He was 50 years old, tall, lean, but a little muscular.



As soon as we met, I fell in love with him right there, right at that moment. This was my first impression and I could feel the right chemistry. He was very honest with me about his life from the beginning. He told me he’d married a Thai girl about a year ago. He had Ph.D. and he was a teacher.



He also told me he’d worked in Japan for many years and earned a lot more money there but he loved Thailand much more so he decided to settle in Bangkok. He was bisexual and he found me very attractive. I was mesmerized by his charm, personality and physical appearance. He asked me to go back to his condominium because he knew his Thai wife went to visit her parents in another province.



I was very excited with his invitation and I accepted it without hesitation. As soon as we got there, he took me into the living room. We sat there and talked briefly with our hands on each other’s lap. The next thing I knew we were in each other’s arms and he started to give me a deep French kiss. Finally, we were lying completely naked on his bed. It was such wonderful sex as I ever had before in my life.He was so good in bed; he knew how to do it much better than Ben.



I kept the affair secret from Ben and I was sure Michael did the same thing from his Thai wife.

I was madly in love with him and we always called each other over the cell phone. If any days passed that I didn’t hear his voice, I would always be in a bad mood. I felt like I had to hear his voice every day if we couldn’t see each other. We met regularly and we would have sex almost every time in a motel. We developed a strong relationship and I was overwhelmed by his charm. He said he felt the same way as I felt.



After several months I told him that I didn’t want to be in that situation forever. He knew what I meant because by that time he knew about my German lover. I didn’t even want to go to Germany anymore to register the partnership. Michael also told me that since he started an affair with me, he had never had sex with his wife again. He said he didn’t love her in the way he loved me. He didn’t understand why he married her in the first place; maybe he felt sorry for her. He told me something like that.



We agreed to be together and he would take me to America to be his partner over there. He would divorce his wife, and I would tell Ben it was over between us because I had met somebody else.When Ben found out about my affair from my mouth he cried like a baby. I told him our relationship was over and I was going to go to America instead. I still remember his distressed face in the last scene very well.



He was begging me to be with him. He said whatever I did behind his back he had already forgiven me. He said “Please do not leave me; I love you very much; my life will be disaster without you”. I turned him down with a breaking heart.



To be very honest as I am writing this now, I felt very bad, very guilty for that moment. But, I couldn’t do anything.I couldn’t control myself or be with Ben anymore. I couldn’t force myself to love him anymore (if I ever loved him at all). We agreed that he would move back to his apartment. Then, the last day, which I remember very well, he handed me a brown envelop from the bank. I opened it and I saw a whole bunch of cash inside; it was 300,000 baht (about $10,000 USD). He said it was for me to start a new life.



He walked away from me and that was the last time I saw him.

I was so shocked that I couldn’t react to his last message.

Before I knew anything, tears came down my cheeks. There were no words to describe that scene.



Then, suddenly, less than a month after Ben and I separated, Michael told me he had to call off the plan because his wife was pregnant. We would not go to America and he had to be with his wife for the sake of the baby. I was frozen; speechless; looking at him in disbelief.



“I have to take full responsibility for the baby; the baby will need a father.” I remember one of his sentences very well.



“What about me?” I asked with the shaking voice. He said he was sorry but he couldn’t produce any more words. He left me in such confusion. He went back to his apartment to look after his wife and I went home with a broken heart.



My beautiful world lay in front of me totally shattered.

I was more than devastated; I was completely lost.



I felt like someone slapped my face and took my heart away. I felt like I’d fallen from a cliff.

There was a burning inside my heart. I was dead inside, but I still could walk.



I spoke to the mirror in vain. “How could you do this to me? I had sacrificed everything because I loved you and I wanted to be with you. You promised me that you would divorce her to be with me.



You said you loved me and would take me to America.”



“I dumped Ben who loved me very much. I gave up the pension money because I didn’t pursue his registered partnership. I have lost such a big amount of money when Ben changed the will as soon as we separated.

I have nothing now. I have nobody now. My whole world is empty now.”

I mourned and I cried like a wounded person in such agony.

“You betrayed me, and you left me with a severe wound in my heart.



I hate you, you hear me? I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.”



He didn’t answer his phone no matter how often I tried to reach him. He simply sent me a message “I am so sorry for everything”.

“Yes, sure… you are sorry”



I whispered to myself “but I am going to make you sorry for the rest of your life.”

For months I had to go out every night to drink and party in order to forget him. I came home late and had to take sleeping pill to be able to rest.



I couldn’t get him out of my mind no matter how much I tried. Everywhere I went, I saw his face in front of me. Every night when I slept, I thought he was lying beside me and holding me.When love becomes hate, it is extremely dangerous.At one point, I was planning to kill both of us.



The plan was I would shoot him first and myself after him. Then, I would lie down on top of him so we could be together forever.



My Buddha was the one who changed my mind and turned me to another direction. Maybe, love and hate are too close to each other.



I got wisdom from somewhere, but I used it somewhat in the wrong way.

I sent Michael message one day pretending to be nice to him. I told him I understood his situation and I was going abroad. I would just like to see one last time. He agreed and that would change his life and my life forever.



We met in the same motel that we always used in the past. We were both lying on the bed naked when there was a knock at the door; I knew exactly who it was and I told them to come in. Suddenly, his wife was standing right there in front of us. Her face was as white as a ghost and she looked at her husband speechless. Her face said it all without any words; not one word came from her mouth.



Her face is still in my memory; a face that I will never forget.

I knew how it happened while Michael had no idea at all. He came to see me in a few days later and the first thing I knew he’d pushed me to the floor.



“You set me up, you set the whole thing up” he said in such cold harsh voice; a voice I had never heard from him before.



“You’re darn right” I told him. “I set the whole incident up for your wife to be there to see that scene in the motel.”



He didn’t know that I had asked a friend to call his wife about what time she should go there.



“I give up everything, and I mean everything, because you told me we were going to be together” I started rambling with a shaky voice.



“I had to dump someone who loved me very much because of you. I had lost everything because of you.” My voice was shaking because of the tremendous force of the sensation.



He stared at me before speaking to me in such a cold voice.

“My wife has already left me with my baby in her womb. She wrote a letter that she would have an abortion so I could never see my baby ever. In the letter she stated that she didn’t want the baby to grow up to find out their father was a gay man.



It would hurt the child badly; it would affect the child psychologically. The child would be teased forever and would develop an inferiority complex”.



Suddenly, he came over to attack me. I didn’t even prepare to defend myself because it was not his style. His nature was very calm and he had never shown any signs of violence at all. He grabbed my shirt and threw me down. I grabbed an object and threw it at him; the next thing I knew was we were rolling around. We were lying down on the floor; he was on top of me and I was on top of him. We were silent briefly, trying to catch our breath.

“I never want to see you again in this life time” he said as he left.



Those were the last words from him. This was long ago, more than 10 years, but I can still hear his voice in my memory today.

I was lying on the floor and I was crying like a six year old boy in such pain.
My body was curled up like a child. That scene I’ll never forget for the rest of my life.



My life went downhill as I locked myself away from the world. I couldn’t take care of myself and kept to myself in my room. My mother was the one who stepped in and rescued me. She tried to help me with spiritual stuff and it worked in the end.

Few months later; I was contacted by Stephen (the Canadian man with whom I had contact earlier). We’d lost touch during the time I was having a relationship with Ben.
He asked me if I was still interested in him and would like to relocate to be with him in Canada. It was like a sound from heaven to me. 

I couldn’t wait to accept his invitation. My mother and my sister were very happy for me. I got a Canadian visa on my second attempt and was ready to go to Canada the following month.



I wanted to see Michael one more time in my life, but he was no longer in Thailand. When I went to his work place and someone told me he had already gone back to America. I couldn’t get any more information.



One day I found a piece of paper in my drawer which I had forgotten all about. It was Michael’s hand writing with his home address and phone number in America. I called and a lady answered the phone. It was his sister and when I told her who I was she said “I know you”. She even knew my official Thai name. Deep in my heart, my anger went away. I just wanted to speak to Michael and say how very sorry I was for what I’d done to him.



“May I talk to Michael please?” I asked politely.

She said “Michael passed away last week. He was in a car accident. He told me about you and he said he loved you” she said with a normal tone of voice.

My cell phone dropped from my hand and I was frozen in place. I could hear her voice far…far away.



Didn’t I say, a few months earlier, that I wanted him dead? I was the one who hated him so much. Now he was gone.

The tears came down my cheeks like a waterfall.

About a week earlier (before his sister said he was in an accident) I had a dream about him.

In my dream, he came to my bed and said he had already forgiven me. Then, he said good-bye. I tried to call him but he was gone and I then woke up. I’m convinced his spirit came to say good-bye to me.

I’m positive that he loved me but he had to be responsible for his baby. That was why he couldn’t be with me. Sometimes, love is just not enough.

Michael, wherever you are right now, I hope you have found a happy place.

I will always love you and you are always on my mind.

Love.
 

It took a lot courage for me to write my dark secret in my love diary, and I really hope it will set my spirit free.

I know what I did was wrong and I am not going to make any excuses to defend myself.

I hope this will give some ideas to some people out there who maybe in a similar situation right now not to do stupid things like I did. 

Feel free to leave your comments or your opinions. I can accept both positive and negative comments. I am strong enough now to handle some difficulties.

If I could handle something that used to happen to me in Thailand, then anything that is going to happen to me here means nothing.


Everything in life happens for a reason and everything has its own reason itself. 

Karma has followed me all the way down from Thailand to Canada without a doubt. 

Karma has its own mysterious way to justified everything in the end, trust me.

Now, I don't wanna lose you
But I don't wanna use you
Just to have somebody by my side
And I don't wanna hate you
I don't wanna take you
But I don't wanna be the one to cry


And that don't really matter
To anyone anymore

But like a fool I keep losing my place
And I keep seeing you walk through that door


But there's a danger in loving somebody too much

And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby, sometimes love just ain't enough


Now, I could never change you
I don't want to blame you
Baby, you don't have to take the fall
Yes, I may have hurt you
But I did not desert you
Maybe I just want to have it all


It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like rain
And like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking something's gonna change



And there's no way home

When it's late at night and you're all alone

Are there things that you wanted to say

And do you feel me beside you in your bed
There beside you where I used to lay

 

Wow. wait until I get some popcorn. OK. Go.

Someone,s on some (or needs some) serious medication..............I,ll pass on this tale.....

Wow your English is better than most native speakers.

 

I copied your story into Word and there was not on misspelled word or even one grammatical error. 

 

Just a few missing spaces between words.

 

You even said "You're darn right."

 

So you speak German, Thai and English? You should be the manager at a hotel at a gay resort some where.

5 minutes ago, petermik said:

Someone,s on some (or needs some) serious medication..............I,ll pass on this tale.....

You can not medicate against trolls   ?

34 minutes ago, andyrose said:

It took a lot courage for me to write my dark secret in my love diary, and I really hope it will set my spirit free.

I know what I did was wrong and I am not going to make any excuses to defend myself.

I hope this will give some ideas to some people out there who maybe in a similar situation right now not to do stupid things like I did. 

Feel free to leave your comments or your opinions. I can accept both positive and negative comments. I am strong enough now to handle some difficulties.

If I could handle something that used to happen to me in Thailand, then anything that is going to happen to me here means nothing.


Everything in life happens for a reason and everything has its own reason itself. 

Karma has followed me all the way down from Thailand to Canada without a doubt. 

Karma has its own mysterious way to justified everything in the end, trust me.

Andyrose what do you do for a living? Not mean to hurt your feeling, I always felt gay people fall in and out of love at the drop of a hat. It's not romance is it?

I love you so much oh so much then it becomes I hate you, I hate you, I want to kill you then I love you again.

well, you need help, no not the mental health clinic , no not the psychiatrist , you need to read up on Buddhist Abhidharma and talk to some well read educated monk. In Buddhism you need to make effort to find out what is wrong with you that is why many people fail to benefit from Buddhist teaching. That effort to do it on your own is the biggest obstacle to overcome before you benefit from the teaching. Normal Buddhist teaching called Dharma cannot help you only Abhidharma (the higher teaching of Buddha) can point you in the right direction.

If you kill someone in crime of passion you will be facing the four walls for a long time you know.

34 minutes ago, NCC1701A said:

Wow your English is better than most native speakers.

 

I copied your story into Word and there was not on misspelled word or even one grammatical error. 

 

Just a few missing spaces between words.

 

You even said "You're darn right."

 

So you speak German, Thai and English? You should be the manager at a hotel at a gay resort some where.

Was going to say the same thing. im teaching an e mail writing course at the moment and it's doing my nut in.

Nice movie screenplay you wrote there. Working title: Drama Queen.

 

I wouldn't pay to watch this sick movie, though.

22 hours ago, NCC1701A said:

Wow your English is better than most native speakers.

 

I copied your story into Word and there was not on misspelled word or even one grammatical error. 

 

Just a few missing spaces between words.

 

You even said "You're darn right."

 

So you speak German, Thai and English? You should be the manager at a hotel at a gay resort some where.

 

I speak English and Thai. I only studied German few months and that was it. I lost it after awhile without using it.I still remember some words like Guten Morgen (Good morning), Danke (Thank you)   klimaanlage (air condition). I love the word Klimaanlage very much, that is why I still remember it very well. And my ex-German partner's favorite word which is Langsam (slow), he always told me "langsam, langsam.. when I walked too fast ahead of him (ha........ha).    

 

 

22 hours ago, madusa said:

Andyrose what do you do for a living? Not mean to hurt your feeling, I always felt gay people fall in and out of love at the drop of a hat. It's not romance is it?

I love you so much oh so much then it becomes I hate you, I hate you, I want to kill you then I love you again.

well, you need help, no not the mental health clinic , no not the psychiatrist , you need to read up on Buddhist Abhidharma and talk to some well read educated monk. In Buddhism you need to make effort to find out what is wrong with you that is why many people fail to benefit from Buddhist teaching. That effort to do it on your own is the biggest obstacle to overcome before you benefit from the teaching. Normal Buddhist teaching called Dharma cannot help you only Abhidharma (the higher teaching of Buddha) can point you in the right direction.

If you kill someone in crime of passion you will be facing the four walls for a long time you know.

 

Yeah, you know what you are kind of right. I couldn't agree more with your sentences.

 

"  I love you so much oh so much then it becomes I hate you, I hate you, I want to kill you then I love you again." 

 

 That was exactly how I felt.

 

 

Madusa, I am not ashamed to admit that I went to see two psychiatrists already in both mental health clinic and hospital in Toronto. I was diagnosed with PTSD ( Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), anxiety and depression by both of them. The psychiatrists sent me to the counselors and they tried to help me as much as they could. I owed them a lot.

 

I have also been using faith healing such as praying to my Buddha everyday and it has been working amazingly.

 

Now I would like to come to the big point as you tried to imply.

 

"If you kill someone in crime of passion you will be facing the four walls for a long time you know."

 

If you tried to insinuate that I killed him, then please read this carefully.

 

I did not kill him. Yes, I thought about it out of my anger, vengeance at that time but I didn't do it.

I didn't even know which month in 2004 he went back to the states. I found out later from someone in his work place that he had gone back. Then, I got a new from his sister that he had passed away. His death had nothing to do with me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7 hours ago, andyrose said:

 

I speak English and Thai. I only studied German few months and that was it. I lost it after awhile without using it.I still remember some words like Guten Morgen (Good morning), Danke (Thank you)   klimaanlage (air condition). I love the word Klimaanlage very much, that is why I still remember it very well. And my ex-German partner's favorite word which is Langsam (slow), he always told me "langsam, langsam.. when I walked too fast ahead of him (ha........ha).    

 

 

 

Yeah, you know what you are kind of right. I couldn't agree more with your sentences.

 

"  I love you so much oh so much then it becomes I hate you, I hate you, I want to kill you then I love you again." 

 

 That was exactly how I felt.

 

 

Madusa, I am not ashamed to admit that I went to see two psychiatrists already in both mental health clinic and hospital in Toronto. I was diagnosed with PTSD ( Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), anxiety and depression by both of them. The psychiatrists sent me to the counselors and they tried to help me as much as they could. I owed them a lot.

 

I have also been using faith healing such as praying to my Buddha everyday and it has been working amazingly.

 

Now I would like to come to the big point as you tried to imply.

 

"If you kill someone in crime of passion you will be facing the four walls for a long time you know."

 

If you tried to insinuate that I killed him, then please read this carefully.

 

I did not kill him. Yes, I thought about it out of my anger, vengeance at that time but I didn't do it.

I didn't even know which month in 2004 he went back to the states. I found out later from someone in his work place that he had gone back. Then, I got a new from his sister that he had passed away. His death had nothing to do with me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Andyrose you misunderstood me I didn't mean to insinuate you killed your American lover . I was trying to remind you that if you get so angry and commit a murder you will suffer when you enter prison. You know those crooks in prisons will line up to take turns to do it to you. 

What do you do for a living? I ask this question again because you didn't answer the first time I asked. You mean to say you never do an honest day of work in your whole life? I get that impression from what you wrote. You were saying something like you get spending money from this man and that man and they want to make life comfortable for you, also leave properties for you when they die.

Remember the Psychiatrists and mental health clinic cannot really help you, only you yourself can solve this problem. You have to fall back on yourself. Once the Psychiatrists prescribe drugs for you and you go on those drugs you are finished.

The big drug industries want you to be dependent on their drugs so they can make more money. They expect you to take those drugs for the rest of your life. Once you suddenly go off those drugs people will find you under the train. 

PS: oh i forgot to mention, love is love, money is money, if you want money say you want money ok? Be honest it will heal your heart. I once fell in love with a prostitute and she said to me in the face that she only wanted my money. It suddenly struck me that I was a bloody fool.

On 9/8/2018 at 8:15 AM, madusa said:

 

On 9/8/2018 at 8:15 AM, madusa said:

Andyrose you misunderstood me I didn't mean to insinuate you killed your American lover . I was trying to remind you that if you get so angry and commit a murder you will suffer when you enter prison. You know those crooks in prisons will line up to take turns to do it to you. 

What do you do for a living? I ask this question again because you didn't answer the first time I asked. You mean to say you never do an honest day of work in your whole life? I get that impression from what you wrote. You were saying something like you get spending money from this man and that man and they want to make life comfortable for you, also leave properties for you when they die.

Remember the Psychiatrists and mental health clinic cannot really help you, only you yourself can solve this problem. You have to fall back on yourself. Once the Psychiatrists prescribe drugs for you and you go on those drugs you are finished.

The big drug industries want you to be dependent on their drugs so they can make more money. They expect you to take those drugs for the rest of your life. Once you suddenly go off those drugs people will find you under the train. 

PS: oh i forgot to mention, love is love, money is money, if you want money say you want money ok? Be honest it will heal your heart. I once fell in love with a prostitute and she said to me in the face that she only wanted my money. It suddenly struck me that I was a bloody fool.

 

 

 

Madusa, I am so sorry that I misunderstood you. And, of course I know if I killed someone; I will have to go to jail. I think everybody knows it very well. I thanked my Buddha to guide me to the opposite direction.

 

I am rather not to say about what I do for a living right now. It’s a personal reason.

 

You are kind of right somehow along the way.

 

I am not ashamed to admit that I used to be a sugar baby supported by a well-off sugar daddy around 2011-2013. I married a Belgium older man in 2012. I went to live with him in Europe but I separated from him shortly after that.

 

I am not ashamed to admit that I was counting on his assets, but everything didn’t go well according to my plan. I know I was not a nice person.   

 

It’s a long story and I have a plan to write my life story, my darker secret in my love diary from 2005-2010, then from 2011-2018. I may post it here as well.

 

I think your advice is right about drugs, but it’s too late now.

 

My family doctor had prescribed me the medicine for over 2 years now for severe anxiety and depression followed by advice from psychiatrists. It seemed like she wanted me to stay on it forever.

 

At one point, I wanted to quit and used only faith healing (spiritual way). But, she told me I should stay on medication otherwise my condition would get worse.

 

 

I know love is love, money is money.

There is a saying it goes money is not everything and love is just the other two percent.

 

I used to be in the situation where I had lots of money to spend but I couldn’t find peace and happiness.

 

At this moment, I am in the opposite position but I feel so much better because I have freedom.

 

Moreover, I can understand life much better than before.

 

And, if I can choose only one thing from love, money, or freedom; I will definitely choose freedom. You can feel or be trapped with money or love. But, you can never be trapped with freedom.

 

I just realize not long go that "walking on the grounds is much softer than walking on the clouds." ?

 

 

There are so many things in my life that happened and cannot be explained. 

But I believe they happened for a reason; they must have a reason of their own.

 

There are miracles and mysteries that have happened that science cannot explain how or why they happened.

 

As a Thai person and a Buddhist, I believe in Karma and deep in my heart I know it's real. It's a supernatural process that even science (the most accessible judge for the majority of people) cannot explain it. 

 

Even Christians believe "what goes around comes around;" that's a type of karma, isn't it? I learned this phrase when I first came to Canada in 2005. 

 

Karma is the law of the universe;  it's so real; so ...so real;  and it's justified for everyone.

 

You may wonder why - because sometimes you can break the law - but you can never get away from karma.

For example, Mr.B committed a crime and was able to walk away without serving time in jail. He was smart enough to manipulate the evidence; the court failed to convict him, not because he wasn't guilty, but because there was insufficient evidence to convict him.

 

However, karma had it's say in the different direction. Mr.B got an accident and almost lost his life. That was his conviction.  

 

There is always someone upstairs watching you.

 

Now, coming back to me, what I did may not have been illegal, but it was immoral and that is a reason why I'm here.

 

There are many reasons why I am right here now, right in this place.

That's all I can say at the moment.         

 

On 9/10/2018 at 4:19 PM, andyrose said:

 

 

Madusa, I am so sorry that I misunderstood you. And, of course I know if I killed someone; I will have to go to jail. I think everybody knows it very well. I thanked my Buddha to guide me to the opposite direction.

 

I am rather not to say about what I do for a living right now. It’s a personal reason.

 

You are kind of right somehow along the way.

 

I am not ashamed to admit that I used to be a sugar baby supported by a well-off sugar daddy around 2011-2013. I married a Belgium older man in 2012. I went to live with him in Europe but I separated from him shortly after that.

 

I am not ashamed to admit that I was counting on his assets, but everything didn’t go well according to my plan. I know I was not a nice person.   

 

It’s a long story and I have a plan to write my life story, my darker secret in my love diary from 2005-2010, then from 2011-2018. I may post it here as well.

 

I think your advice is right about drugs, but it’s too late now.

 

My family doctor had prescribed me the medicine for over 2 years now for severe anxiety and depression followed by advice from psychiatrists. It seemed like she wanted me to stay on it forever.

 

At one point, I wanted to quit and used only faith healing (spiritual way). But, she told me I should stay on medication otherwise my condition would get worse.

 

 

I know love is love, money is money.

There is a saying it goes money is not everything and love is just the other two percent.

 

I used to be in the situation where I had lots of money to spend but I couldn’t find peace and happiness.

 

At this moment, I am in the opposite position but I feel so much better because I have freedom.

 

Moreover, I can understand life much better than before.

 

And, if I can choose only one thing from love, money, or freedom; I will definitely choose freedom. You can feel or be trapped with money or love. But, you can never be trapped with freedom.

 

I just realize not long go that "walking on the grounds is much softer than walking on the clouds." ?

 

 

Good to hear from you again Andyrose, is that photo your photo? You look young in that photo is that an old photo or a recent one? I look forward to read what you will be writing about your life.

Pardon me if I am wrong or may be very very wrong, are you a male prostitute ? You sound like one though. I have a very good friend who is french when I visited her and her husband she asked me if I need to use the services of a prostitute and if I do she would tell me where to find them. See I like the french they are frank they say what is on their mind..

Take care.

On 9/11/2018 at 9:19 AM, madusa said:

Good to hear from you again Andyrose, is that photo your photo? You look young in that photo is that an old photo or a recent one? I look forward to read what you will be writing about your life.

Pardon me if I am wrong or may be very very wrong, are you a male prostitute ? You sound like one though. I have a very good friend who is french when I visited her and her husband she asked me if I need to use the services of a prostitute and if I do she would tell me where to find them. See I like the french they are frank they say what is on their mind..

Take care.

 

Of course the profile photo is actually my photo; I have never used someone elses photo in my profile. There are old photos and new photos in my album.

 

If you take care of yourself, you tend to look younger, much younger than you really are.

It is not about your age, it's all about how you take care of yourself.

 

Some people look much older than they are. For example, I met one cuacasian Canadian girl and she looks much older than 28 (her actual age).

 

On the other hand, some people, myself included, look much younger than they are.

 

For example, in April this year I went to a venue in Toronto where I.D. was required for people who appear to be under 25 (the legal age is 19 in Toronto) and the staff have the right to ask for your I.D.

 

They asked me for my I.D. and I had a big laugh before giving it to them.

When they saw it, they said WOW....and made funny expressions and I was slightly embarrassed but took it as a compliment. 

 

I have been taking very good care of myself using day and night cream for my face and neck and Q10 cream around my eyes. All of them for anti-wrinkle. I also use a good body lotion to make my whole body feel as soft as silk.

 

I like to look at myself in the mirror quite often when I am at my place.

 

You asked me whether I am a male prostitute or not. You said I sound like one.

 

OMG, I love your frankness and I don't really mind at all.

 

I'd like to answer your question but I don't know the answer quite frankly.

 

I never though I was a male prostitute but maybe you or someone else have different points of view.

 

A gold digger maybe, but I don't think I am a prostitute.

 

You know what, I also like to speak my mind, but I do it my way. It depends on the situation as well. 

 

I like to do things in my way.