Worst Joke Ever 2024

[ballpoint]

[ballpoint]

A little girl came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl.
"You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

[ballpoint]

A couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said;

“Beth, soon we will be married 30 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Beth replied, “Well Charles, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 30 years, but always for a good reason.”

Charles was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons?”

Beth said, “The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage.

Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended, well I did what I had to do”

Charles recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

Beth answered, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed?

Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge, well I did what I had to do.”

“I recall that,” says Chuck. “And you did it to save my life so of course, I can forgive you for that.

Now tell me about the third time.”

“All right,” Beth said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of the golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

[ballpoint]

Extracts from (allegedly) actual complaint letters regarding council houses:

 

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

18. The man next door has as large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

 

 

Edited August 20, 2022 by ballpoint

[sanuk711]

 

Katie Prices' Gynecologist In Training

 

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[ravip]

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went, then it dawned on me.

 

I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.

 

The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron which is ironic.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

 

I think my neighbour is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

 

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

 

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

[ravip]

You know the difference between 68 & 69 ?
Blow me and I owe you 1

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

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Edited August 21, 2022 by ballpoint

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Edited August 21, 2022 by ballpoint

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