Worst Joke Ever 2024

[Digitalbanana]

[Digitalbanana]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

"No man goes before his time . . . unless the boss leaves early."

 

Did you hear about the painter who kept getting fired for dropping things on people? 
He couldn't hold his lacquer.

 

Did you hear about the farmer who won an award from the U.S. Department of Agriculture? 
He was outstanding in his field.

 

Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
 

[scottiejohn]

 

 

Oops, I think I have just "outed" myself!

[scottiejohn]

Unable to read the name on the label of a package, a postman decides that the weight of the box and the words left on the ripped label mean the package is for the local book shop.

"I've got a package that I think is for you," the mailman tells the store owner.
"Well, what's the name on the label?" the store owner asks.
"That's the problem. It's obliterated."

"Well, it can't be for me," the store owner answers. "My name is John."
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

My Best Friend
-------------------------

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots
of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.

"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for
over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's
going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man
replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."

He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

 

 

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles,
and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!" 
.

 

 

 

[scottiejohn]

[tifino]

 

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $15000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a paper.

Before leaving she says to the clerk, 

"I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

 

About 32,’ is the reply.’

 

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

 

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies,

"I’d guess about 29."

 

 The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

 

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

 

The clerk responds, "Oh, I’d say 30."

 

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

 

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

 

He replies, "Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

 

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her.

She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

 

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

 

After a couple of minutes of this, she says,

"Okay, okay.....How old am I?"

 

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,

"Madam, you are 50."

 

Stunned and amazed, the woman says,

"That was incredible, how could you tell?"

 

Old man, 

"I was behind you at McDonalds"

 

[ballpoint]

[ballpoint]

[ballpoint]

On 1/13/2020 at 7:36 PM, Andrew Dwyer said:

Far too many funny jokes being posted on here !!

I can soon fix that:

 

Chimpanzees are clever animals; one of the few that makes tools. But one chimp was much better than the others; he made tools to eat with. One was a single sharp blade which he called his one-point-tool. The other had four prongs and he called this one his four-point-tool. Using them together, he could cut up fruit and eat it without any of the mess that chimps usually make. The rest of his troop were massively impressed and quite jealous; they all wanted the tools.

But one day he went to eat a mango, only to find his four-point-tool was missing. His first thoughts were that one of the jealous chimps had pinched it, but, after several arguments and fights (they were chimps after all) he concluded that it wasn’t one of them.

So off he went to talk to some of the other animals. First, he asked the lion if he’d taken his four-point-tool. But the lion said no, why would he want a silly little tool when he had sharp claws.

So next, he went to the elephant and asked him. But the elephant said no, why would he want a silly little tool when he had a trunk.

Finally, after asking all of the other animals, he found the jaguar who was smiling smugly. “Have you taken my eating tool, Mr Jaguar?” said the chimp. “Yes, and I ate it” growled the jaguar. “Why?” cried the chimps, in tears.

“You see”, the jaguar replied “I’m a four-point-tool eater jaguar”.

[ballpoint]

If the previous one wasn't bad enough, then try this one on:

 

There was a tradesman, a painter called Wayne, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings. Wayne put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.
And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.
Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke... "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

[Andrew Dwyer]

13 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

If the previous one wasn't bad enough, then try this one on:

 

There was a tradesman, a painter called Wayne, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings. Wayne put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.
And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.
Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke... "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

A worthy winner of the “ worst joke ever “ I think ????????????????

[metisdead]

One more time:

 

8.) You will not post disruptive or inflammatory messages, vulgarities, obscenities or profanities.

[fasteddie]

6 hours ago, ballpoint said:

I can soon fix that:

 

Chimpanzees are clever animals; one of the few that makes tools. But one chimp was much better than the others; he made tools to eat with. One was a single sharp blade which he called his one-point-tool. The other had four prongs and he called this one his four-point-tool. Using them together, he could cut up fruit and eat it without any of the mess that chimps usually make. The rest of his troop were massively impressed and quite jealous; they all wanted the tools.

But one day he went to eat a mango, only to find his four-point-tool was missing. His first thoughts were that one of the jealous chimps had pinched it, but, after several arguments and fights (they were chimps after all) he concluded that it wasn’t one of them.

So off he went to talk to some of the other animals. First, he asked the lion if he’d taken his four-point-tool. But the lion said no, why would he want a silly little tool when he had sharp claws.

So next, he went to the elephant and asked him. But the elephant said no, why would he want a silly little tool when he had a trunk.

Finally, after asking all of the other animals, he found the jaguar who was smiling smugly. “Have you taken my eating tool, Mr Jaguar?” said the chimp. “Yes, and I ate it” growled the jaguar. “Why?” cried the chimps, in tears.

“You see”, the jaguar replied “I’m a four-point-tool eater jaguar”.

I had one of them, it didn't eat my tool but it did drink petrol ????

[tifino]

 

 

 

[userabcd]

A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”

The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”

“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.

The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said.

“I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach.”

[vogie]

I am so embarrassed, my last name is potato, but not as embarrassed as my sister Jackie.

[scottiejohn]

8 hours ago, vogie said:

I am so embarrassed, my last name is potato, but not as embarrassed as my sister Jackie.

Are you both nicknamed "Spud" by any chance and a chip off the old block as well?

Edited January 17, 2020 by scottiejohn

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[VBF]

56 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

Are you both nicknamed "Spud" by any chance and a chip off the old block as well?

 

Sauté so good...    

[scottiejohn]

Just now, VBF said:

 

Sauté so good...    

Maybe one of their parents was a Fryer!