Worst Joke Ever 2024

[ballpoint]

[ballpoint]

[ballpoint]

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[ballpoint]

Seems this would work at any beauty show these days.

 

[ballpoint]

[ballpoint]

[Captain Monday]

 

Why never order fish in France?  

Because it's "poisson".

[VocalNeal]

1 hour ago, Zyxel said:

OK except they are poles apart????

[scottiejohn]

50 minutes ago, VocalNeal said:

OK except they are poles apart????

One way to liven up feeding time at the Zoo!

[scottiejohn]

2 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Seems this would work at any beauty show these days.

 

That should make an outstanding way to tell the true sexes apart!

[scottiejohn]

Which comedian cracked each of these jokes on TV?

1) I said to the waiter: “There is no chicken in this chicken soup.” He said: “And there’s no horse in the horseradish either.”

2) One day a waiter fell sick and was rushed to hospital. He was lying on the table in great pain. When a doctor passed by the waiter said: “Hey doctor, could you do something for my pain?” The doctor said: “I’m sorry this isn’t my table.”

3) I said: “How long will my spaghetti be?” The waiter said: “I don’t know. We never measure it.”

4) I met my wife at a dance. I thought she was at home with the kids.
5) My doctor told me to drink a bottle of wine after a hot bath, but I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath!

6) My wife had a bad habit of biting her nails but I cured her. I hid her teeth.

7) Show me a man who lost all his money and can still laugh and I’ll show you an idiot.

???? As my father used to say: “Never cry over spilt milk. It could have been whisky.”

9) You can lead a horse to water but teach him to lie on his back and float and you’ve got something.

10) Last night I slept like a log. I woke up in the fire place.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 3, 2023 by scottiejohn

[billd766]

1 hour ago, scottiejohn said:

Which comedian cracked each of these jokes on TV?

1) I said to the waiter: “There is no chicken in this chicken soup.” He said: “And there’s no horse in the horseradish either.”

2) One day a waiter fell sick and was rushed to hospital. He was lying on the table in great pain. When a doctor passed by the waiter said: “Hey doctor, could you do something for my pain?” The doctor said: “I’m sorry this isn’t my table.”

3) I said: “How long will my spaghetti be?” The waiter said: “I don’t know. We never measure it.”

4) I met my wife at a dance. I thought she was at home with the kids.
5) My doctor told me to drink a bottle of wine after a hot bath, but I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath!

6) My wife had a bad habit of biting her nails but I cured her. I hid her teeth.

7) Show me a man who lost all his money and can still laugh and I’ll show you an idiot.

???? As my father used to say: “Never cry over spilt milk. It could have been whisky.”

9) You can lead a horse to water but teach him to lie on his back and float and you’ve got something.

10) Last night I slept like a log. I woke up in the fire place.

 

 

 

 

 

Les Dawson?

[scottiejohn]

3 minutes ago, billd766 said:

Les Dawson?

Not for any of them!

[scottiejohn]

1 hour ago, scottiejohn said:

???? As my father used to say: “Never cry over spilt milk. It could have been whisky.”

cannot change the smiley above into the number eight! 

Edited August 3, 2023 by scottiejohn

[oxo1947]

.

[oxo1947]

.

[ballpoint]

1 hour ago, scottiejohn said:

Which comedian cracked each of these jokes on TV?

1) I said to the waiter: “There is no chicken in this chicken soup.” He said: “And there’s no horse in the horseradish either.”

2) One day a waiter fell sick and was rushed to hospital. He was lying on the table in great pain. When a doctor passed by the waiter said: “Hey doctor, could you do something for my pain?” The doctor said: “I’m sorry this isn’t my table.”

3) I said: “How long will my spaghetti be?” The waiter said: “I don’t know. We never measure it.”

4) I met my wife at a dance. I thought she was at home with the kids.
5) My doctor told me to drink a bottle of wine after a hot bath, but I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath!

6) My wife had a bad habit of biting her nails but I cured her. I hid her teeth.

7) Show me a man who lost all his money and can still laugh and I’ll show you an idiot.

???? As my father used to say: “Never cry over spilt milk. It could have been whisky.”

9) You can lead a horse to water but teach him to lie on his back and float and you’ve got something.

10) Last night I slept like a log. I woke up in the fire place.

 

 

 

 

 

I don't know, but his fez rings a bell.

Just like that.

[scottiejohn]

31 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

I don't know, but his fez rings a bell.

Just like that.

Ah! Correct on at least one! But which one, or ones!

Who else do you think me be involved?

[oxo1947]

.

[ravip]

On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.

 

Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:

"Do you know what arthritis is?"

 

The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:

 

"It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges and other things I dare not say."

 

The drunk widened his eyes, shut up and continued reading the newspaper.

 

A little later, the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften:

 

"How long have you had arthritis?"

 

"I don't have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."

[ravip]

[ballpoint]

1 hour ago, scottiejohn said:

Ah! Correct on at least one! But which one, or ones!

Who else do you think me be involved?

I've heard him say some of them on YouTube, but, according to this website, he said them all.  Along with a few more, including:

 

My wife complained that her feet hurt.

I said: “You’ve got your shoes on the wrong feet.”

She said: “But these are the only feet I’ve got.”

 

30 Tommy Cooper jokes that will remind you of his comedy genius - Wales Online

[scottiejohn]

14 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

I've heard him say some of them on YouTube, but, according to this website, he said them all.  Along with a few more, including:

 

My wife complained that her feet hurt.

I said: “You’ve got your shoes on the wrong feet.”

She said: “But these are the only feet I’ve got.”

 

30 Tommy Cooper jokes that will remind you of his comedy genius - Wales Online

Dam it!  You win tonight's star prize of a Trophy on AN!

[kickstart]

4 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

Which comedian cracked each of these jokes on TV?

1) I said to the waiter: “There is no chicken in this chicken soup.” He said: “And there’s no horse in the horseradish either.”

2) One day a waiter fell sick and was rushed to hospital. He was lying on the table in great pain. When a doctor passed by the waiter said: “Hey doctor, could you do something for my pain?” The doctor said: “I’m sorry this isn’t my table.”

3) I said: “How long will my spaghetti be?” The waiter said: “I don’t know. We never measure it.”

4) I met my wife at a dance. I thought she was at home with the kids.
5) My doctor told me to drink a bottle of wine after a hot bath, but I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath!

6) My wife had a bad habit of biting her nails but I cured her. I hid her teeth.

7) Show me a man who lost all his money and can still laugh and I’ll show you an idiot.

???? As my father used to say: “Never cry over spilt milk. It could have been whisky.”

9) You can lead a horse to water but teach him to lie on his back and float and you’ve got something.

10) Last night I slept like a log. I woke up in the fire place.

 

 

 

 

 

Bob Monkhouse

[scottiejohn]

16 minutes ago, kickstart said:

Bob Monkhouse

Sorry to say you are too late and wrong!

Did you not read the post above this and it's quote?

[chickenslegs]

10 hours ago, VocalNeal said:

OK except they are poles apart????

Why don't polar bears eat penguins?

Because they can't get the wrapper off.

 

[chickenslegs]

2 hours ago, kickstart said:

Bob Monkhouse

More from Bob Monkhouse.

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.

I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at number 75, so it's no distance.

I got my start in silent radio.

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

If you don't go to other peoples funerals, they won't go to yours.

What do gardeners do when they retire?

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

 

 

 

 

[chickenslegs]

And more ...

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!

I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.

It got up to 94 degrees today - that's pretty good at my age.

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.

My father only hit me once - but he used a Volvo.

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

My wife said: 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said: 'Why?' and she said: 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already'.

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

[chickenslegs]

But I saved the best til last ...

 

With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years.