Worst Joke Ever 2024

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Joan goes into the electrical store and tells the salesman she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work. The man refuses and tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special in a sale. All of a sudden, Joan throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"
    The salesman, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to Joan and asks, 'What's wrong?"
    She explains the situation with the toaster.
    He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
    Once again, Joan throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, 'Grab my breasts!"
    In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"
    In a huff, Joan says, “Because I always like to have my breasts grabbed when I'm getting screwed. "

[scottiejohn]

BE CAREFULL WHAT YOU SAY

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees— always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.
   Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees, and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work, and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.
   So he sits in his office and watches them work.
   Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the watercooler to get something to wash it down with.
   Mr. Smith follows her to the watercooler, taps her on the shoulder, and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

   Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache."

[scottiejohn]

IS THAT GUN LOADED OR AM I HAPPY TOO!!!!!!!!

 

A woman entered a pawnshop and asked to see a pistol.

She then asked for some bullets.

Loading the gun, she ordered the pawnbroker to empty out the cash register.

But then she said, 'I have an even greater urge. Get into the back room!
There she ordered him to disrobe and began having sex with him. She got so involved that she dropped the gun.
'For God's sake, lady," he said,

 

"pick it back up. My wife is due anytime now!"
•

[tifino]

 

 

 

 

[fasteddie]

A Chap walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
''What's so special about it?'
The Chap explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies
'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The Chap smiles, taps his watch and says,
' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[ballpoint]

Two dyslexics in a room. One says "can you smell gas?". "Aye", says the other, "G-S-A".

[ballpoint]

When visiting London, I was asked by a stranger, "Do you know the Battersea dog's home?".

I replied, "I didn't even know it was away."

 

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

 

If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?

 

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

[ballpoint]

We've got stained glass windows in our house. It's those damned pigeons.

 

You know what they say about stamp collecting. Philately will get you nowhere.

 

A car drew up beside me and stopped. The driver opened the door and asked me if he could give me a lift. I replied that I didn't need a lift as I lived in a bungalow.

 

 

 

Edited February 8, 2020 by ballpoint

[WorriedNoodle]

 

[Mike Teavee]

On 2/7/2020 at 5:27 PM, scottiejohn said:

 

[tifino]

well... this made 'me' laugh anyway 

 

and I waited until it subdued, albeit just a little... before Posting:

 

 

 

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[tifino]

2 minutes ago, WorriedNoodle said:

or a chick pea on it either!

 - the 'pea' itself bit is an optional extra

Edited February 9, 2020 by tifino

[scottiejohn]

2 hours ago, tifino said:

- the 'pea' itself bit is an optional extra

Don't go spoiling my fetishes!

PS; I need my extra vitamins.

[scottiejohn]

3 hours ago, Mike Teavee said:

 

[scottiejohn]

NOT A PROCTOLOGIST IN SIGHT-THANK GOODNESS

 

A cardiac specialist died, and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock-up of a heart made of flowers.

After the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy and everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
    The guy next to him asked, "Why are you laughing?"
    "I was thinking about my own funeral." the man replied.
    "What's so funny about that?"
    "I'm a gynecologist."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

RENT FREE?

A prosperous and somewhat amorous businessman propositioned a beautiful "working girl" of well-proportioned figure to spend the night with him for $500.
    When he was ready to leave the next morning he told her he didn't have that much money with him but would have his secretary mail her a check for it made out with a memo of Rent for apartment, to avoid any embarrassment.
    On the way to the office, however, after thinking the matter over carefully, he decided the night hadn't been worth what he'd agreed to pay. As a result, he had his secretary send a check for $50 instead and enclosed ihe following explanatory note:
   Dear Madam:
Enclosed is a check for the amount of $50 for the short term rent on your apartment. I am sending this amount instead of the amount originally agreed upon, because when I rented this apartment.
   I was under the impression that...
   1. It had never been occupied.
   2. There was plenty of heat.
   3. It was small.
Last night I found that it had been occupied many times, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large for me!
   Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check, with this note:
   I am returning the check for $50 as I cannot understand how you could expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied. As for the heat... there is plenty of it there if you know how to turn it on. As for the size, it's not my fault if you didn't have enough furniture to furnish it.