Worst Joke Ever 2024

[Mike Teavee]

[Martin71]

[Beachcomber]

How do fish get high?
Sea Weed
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I went extreme camping last weekend.
It was in-tent-se.
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What is Beethoven up to these days?
He's decomposing.
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why did the walrus go to the tupperware party?
He was looking for a tight seal
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What do they call the guy who cleanes the toilets at the Vatican
Holy s**t man!
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What did the fish say when it swam into a wall??
Dam!!!
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Why did the prawn leave the party?
He pulled a muscle.
(she was hot)
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I was gutted this afternoon when my partner told me my 5 year old son wasn't actually mine.
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What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef
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What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
Lean beef
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I Burned My Hawaiian Pizza, in my new oven.
I should have used Aloha temperature
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Poop jokes aren’t my favourite kind of joke.
But they are a solid #2
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“Hey, Watson, is that mud on your shoes?”
“No. S**t, Sherlock.”
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I was sitting on the toilet, angry, and late for work.
I thought, “I don’t have time for this s**t.”
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[Beachcomber]

Some racehorses are staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. “In the last 15 races, I’ve won eight of them!”

 

Another horse breaks in: “Well in the last 27 races, I’ve won 19!”

 

“Oh that’s good, but in the last 36 races, I’ve won 28!” says another.

 

At this point, the horses notice a greyhound, who has been sitting there listening. “I don’t mean to boast,” says the greyhound, “but in my last 90 races, I’ve won 88 of them!

 

The horses are clearly amazed. “Wow!” says one, after a hushed silence. “A talking dog!”

[Beachcomber]

I had an angry neighbor bang on the door saying my dog was chasing a kid on a bike down the street.  I said, I don't think that's my dog, he can't ride a bike!

[Beachcomber]

A blind man went to a restaurant.
"Menu sir?" Asked the owner.
"I'm blind. Just bring me one of your dirty forks.. I will smell it &
order."
The confused owner got a fork. The blind man smelt the fork with a deep breath. "Yes, I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables.
"Unbelievable!" thought the owner.
The blind man ate and left. 2 weeks later the blind man returned.
The owner, wanting to see how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking.
He said, "Do me a favor and rub this fork over your pussy!", which she does!
He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it, puts it to his nose and says *"Oh interesting..., I never knew Brenda worked here!"*

Owner fainted

[Beachcomber]

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS  AUDITOR:   “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat  Owner:   “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board.  Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the workaround here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

 

IRS AUDITOR:      “That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

 

Boat Owner:      “That would be me. What would you like to know”?

 

(Sounds a bit like LOS)

[Beachcomber]

Last night it snowed.

8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 - My feminist neighbor asked me why I had not made a snow woman.

8:15 – I gave my snowman a sex change.

8:17 - My feminist neighbor then complained about my snow woman's large bosom saying that it objectified women everywhere.

8:20 - The lesbian couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and said that I should have made two snow women, so I made my snow woman a partner.

8:22 - The transgender man/women/person asked why I didn't just make one snow individual with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot noses, as vegetables are food and not to be wasted to decorate snow figures.

8:28 – Black Lives Matter turned up and called me a racist because the snow couple were both white.

8:30 - I used food colouring to make one of the snow couple a different colour to be more racially inclusive.

8:37 – I was then accused of the even worse offence of applying black-face to a white individual.

8:39 - The Middle Eastern gent across the road demanded the snow women be dressed in burkas for the sake of their modesty.

8:40 - The police arrived and read out the list of complaints that had been made against me.

8:42 - The feminist neighbour returned to complain that the broom that the snow woman was holding should be removed because it depicted women in a purely domestic role.

8:43 - The local council Equality Officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 – A TV news crew from the BBC showed up. I was asked if I knew the difference between snowmen and snow women. Jokingly, I replied, "Snowballs". The female news reporter denounced me as a sexist pig.

9:00 - I was on the TV news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe, and sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 – The police asked if I had any accomplices. My children were then taken into care by Social Services.

9:29 – Far-left protesters, offended by everything I’d done, marched down the street demanding my arrest for hate crimes.

9:45 – By now the story was all over social media. My boss called and fired me because of the negative association with his company.

10:00 - I cried into my drink because all I wanted to do was build a bloody snowman

[Beachcomber]

One buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.

However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:

* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.

* You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says ,"She's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.

* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.

* You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.

* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.

*You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.

* Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.

* You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Facebook.

* You are at a party; this attractive older man walks up to you and grabs your ass.
That's Donald Trump.

* You didn't mind it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended and you are awarded a settlement.
That's America !
 

[Beachcomber]

The world is full of willing people.

Some are willing to work, and the rest are willing to let them

[Beachcomber]

Why is marriage like a pack of cards?

 

In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.  Later, you wish you had a club and a spade!

[Beachcomber]

Two cats are having a swimming race.

One is called “One Two Three”, the other “Un Deux Trois”.

Which cat won?

“One Two Three”, because “Un Deux Trois” cat sank.

[Beachcomber]

I said to my partner "When I die, I'd like to die making love"

 

They replied: “At least it’ll be quick.”

[Beachcomber]

I paid a carpenter upfront to make me a double bed

 

and the buggers done a bunk.

 

(you have to understand English slang)

[Beachcomber]

What is the difference between a white fairy tale and a black fairy tale?

A white fairy tale starts..."Once upon a time in a land far far away...."

 

A black fairy tail begins..."Listen y'all m#therf#ckers... yo aint gonna believe dis s**t..."

[Beachcomber]

I bought a chicken to make a sandwich.

Turns out it just poops all over the floor and doesn't make sandwiches.

[Beachcomber]

My email password got hacked again.

That's the third time I've had to rename the kids.

[Beachcomber]

How do you tell the sex of an ant?

Just drop it in some water.

If  It sinks: girl ant.

If It floats:... Boy ant.

[dddave]

A old man comes home and says to his wife, “Good news, the doctor said I can pleasure myself whenever I'd like.”

The wife took the paper he got after the appointment and reads it carefully.

She replies, “Harold, this says you could have a stroke at any time.”

[Davo369]

[Davo369]

[Davo369]

[fasteddie]

3 hours ago, Beachcomber said:

I said to my partner "When I die, I'd like to die making love"

 

They replied: “At least it’ll be quick.”

''They''?

[ballpoint]

I started my New Year's fitness regime this morning. Got up and ran around the block ten times.

Then I kicked the block back under the bed and cooked myself a nice fry-up.

[ballpoint]

Billy Bob started a new construction job on a Tuesday, worked the rest of the week and on the following Monday morning, calls his foreman. "Boss, I'm not gonna make it in today...I'm sick."
He shows up Tuesday morning, works the rest of the week and the following Monday, sure enough, he calls the foreman. "Boss, not gonna make it today...I'm sick."
The foreman calls him into his office Tuesday morning, sits him down and says, "Billy, this calling in on Mondays has to stop. You're a good worker and I don't want to fire you. Is there something wrong? Drugs, Alcohol?"
Billy Bob replies, "No, sir. I don't drink or do drugs, but my brother in law does. He gets drunk and beats my sister around. Monday mornings, I visit her, comfort her and then we have sex."
The foreman's jaw drops and he asks "Billy, did I hear you right? You're having sex with your sister?"
Billy Bob replies, "Yeah, I told you I was sick."

[ballpoint]

I saw an old friend with no legs at the bus stop earlier today...

I said, "How you getting on?"

[ballpoint]

I hired a beggar for my little cafe business.

The beggar always stands in front of my door, so out of the goodness of my heart I hired him.

I taught him how to use the power juicer, but he could never get it right.

And that's when it hit me... Beggars can't be juicers!

[ballpoint]

[ballpoint]

My dyslexic daughter just loves the puppy that Santa gave her for Christmas...

[chickenslegs]

6 hours ago, fasteddie said:

''They''?

Lucky bu99er. My missus won't try a threesome.

Edited January 3, 2021 by chickenslegs