Worst Joke Ever 2024

[sanuk711]

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As the G7 meeting closed, Joe left Boris with a reminder of the gathering

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You might think that after over a year of lockdowns you’ve done everything you can to the garden.

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[fangless]

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[fangless]

A vacationing penguin is driving his through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station. The mechanic looks up and says “Looks like you blew a seal.”

“No no,” the penguin replies, “Honest it’s just ice cream!”
 

[fangless]

Girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre.

So he gives it to her.

  
Be kind to dentists.

They have fillings too, you know.
  
What do you call a broken can opener?

A can’t opener.
 
Becoming vegetarian was a huge missed steak.
 

[fangless]

Straws are for suckers.

 

What do you call a lawyer who can cook?

A sue chef

 

Did you hear about the World War I soldier who survived both pepper spray and mustard gas?

He was a seasoned veteran.

 

Why do Buddhist monks avoid sending word documents in their E-Mails?

They’re supposed to avoid attachments.
 

[fangless]

I’m starting to think Dog Show judges have some sort of All-Terrier motive.

 

Did you hear about the actuary who wouldn’t make whipped cream?

She was whisk-averse.

 

I don’t enjoy computer jokes.

Not one bit!

(and I can't get my teeth into the bytes)

 

I changed my Mobile Phone’s name to Titanic.

It’s syncing now.
 

[Disparate Dan]

1 hour ago, sanuk711 said:

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BLM! Will they bother taking knees?

[Hamus Yaigh]

Am I going to complain about the British Botox clinic's service?

No, I'm going to keep a stiff upper lip...

 

[Hamus Yaigh]

[ballpoint]

I saw a man with a trolley full of horseshoes and rabbit's feet earlier
I thought, he's pushing his luck.

[ballpoint]

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Colonel Sir Bufton-Tufton has three male triplets.

On the morning of their 18th birthday, he's sat in the breakfast room scoffing his kedgeree and Darjeeling whilst reading the Times.

Son Algernon walks in.

“Happy birthday my son. What are your plans now you have reached your majority”.
“Well Pater, I wather thought I would follow in your footsteps, go to Sandhurst and weplicate your illustrious militawy caweer in the Guards”

“Capital notion Algy. Here’s two thousand pounds towards your cadetship to start you orf”.

Son Bertram walks in.

“Happy birthday my son. What are your plans now you have reached your majority”.
“Well Pater, I wather thought I would follow in your post militawy footsteps, go to Balliol, study law and weplicate your illustrious legal caweer as a bawwister

“Capital notion Berty. Here’s two thousand pounds towards your studies to start you orf”

Half an hour later son Harold shambles in dressed in shabby clothes and with a catastrophic hangover.

“Happy birthday Harry. What are your plans now you have reached your majority”.
“Well Dad, I thought I would break with family tradition, take to the land and become a farmer”
The colonel goes red in the face and explodes.

“A farmer. A ruddy farmer. Wading around in pig<deleted> and rogering milkmaids. The Bufton-Tuftons have a proud tradition of entering the army, the law, the church or the varsities. I’m absolutely appalled”

So he kicked Harry in the <deleted> and said “There’s two acres to get you started orf”.

[ballpoint]

Entomology professor; 'A single ant can live to be 29 years old'

Student; 'What about a married one ?

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