Worst Joke Ever 2024

[fangless]

    Man and Wife
     A man, genuinely completely mystified, says to his wife one day,

‘I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.’
     The wife responds,

‘Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me.

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!’

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    The Atheist
     An atheist is out walking in the forest.  
     He looks around to see a seven-foot grizzly bear emerge from the bushes just behind him. In an instant, the bear has covered the ground between them, knocked the atheist to the ground and is bringing his mighty jaws down with the clear intent of crushing the atheist’s skull like a grape.
     All the atheist can do is to moan out a strangled ‘Oh my God’.
     Time stops. The bear freezes. The forest falls silent as the clouds part and a bright light shines right down upon him. A voice now comes from the heavens: ‘You! You deny my existence for decades and ridicule all others who say I exist. And now, only when you need me to save you do you utter my name with anything other than derision. Can you really expect me to help you? And if I do, can I really count on you to be a believer for the rest of your days?’
     The atheist looks directly into the light and says, ‘Lord, you’re right. Even in these extreme circumstances, it would be hypocritical of me to become a Christian, but … but perhaps you could at least make the bear a Christian?’
     There is a pause, as God in his heaven reflects.
     And then He speaks again: ‘Very well.’
     The light disappears, and again the brook bubbles, the rabbits run free and life resumes as normal. And now the bear stills his crushing jaws to bring his massive paws together, bow his head and say,

 

‘Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive, and for which I am truly thankful.’

[fangless]

    There is a little old lady living in Idaho, who is so spiritual that she steps out on her porch every day, raises her arms to the sky and yells, ‘Praise the Lord!’ to the great irritation of the atheist next door.
     After a month, he can stand it no more and yells from his porch, ‘There is no Lord!’
     She persists regardless, day after day, until one cold, wintry day she goes out on her porch, raises her hands up to the sky in supplication and says, ‘Help me, Lord. I have no more money, it’s cold and I have no more food.’
     The next morning, she goes outside and there are three bags of food on the porch, enough to last her a week.
     ‘Praise the Lord!’ she yells.
     The atheist steps out from the bushes and says, ‘There is no Lord. Ha, ha, ha! I bought those groceries!’
     The little old lady raises her arms to the sky above and says,

 

‘Praise the Lord! You not only sent me groceries, you also made the Devil pay for them!’

[fangless]

Mike’s Fight
     Walking into the bar, Mike says to Charlie the bartender,

     ‘Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.’
     ‘Oh yeah?’ says Charlie.

     ‘And how did this one end?’
     ‘When it was over,’ Mike replies,

     ‘she came to me on her hands and knees.’
     ‘Really?’ says Charles.

     ‘Now that’s a switch! What did she say?’

     ‘She said, “Come out from under the bed.”’

[fangless]

     Men are like linoleum: lay them right once and you can walk on them for the next twenty years.
   
 

[fangless]

If a man was speaking, deep in the forest, and there was no one there to hear him, would he still be wrong?
     
 

[fangless]

    Marriage is a three-ring circus: the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and suffering.

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[Zyxel]

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[Zyxel]

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?”

The farmer shook his head and replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.”

“So what happened that’s so horrible?” the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

“Well,” the farmer said, “Today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.”

“Okay,” said the man, “but that’s not so bad.”

“Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer replied.

“So what happened then?” the man asked.

The farmer said, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.”

“And then?” the man asked.

“Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.”

The man laughed and said, “Again?”

The farmer replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.”

“So, what did you do then?” the man asked.

“I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.”

“And then?”

“Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”

“Hmmm,” the man said and nodded his head.

“Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer said.

“So, what did you do?” the man asked.

“Well,” the farmer said, “I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.. Some things you just can’t explain.”

[Zyxel]

These are actual clippings from church newspapers. It's amazing what a little proof-reading would provide....

National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals".

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

The Sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on Water". The Sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus".

Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper, Sunday at 5.00pm - prayer and meditation to follow.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double doors at the side entrance.

The 8th-Graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday; "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

[chickenslegs]

Apparently, keeping tropical fish in your house can help to relieve pain or stress, and boost happiness.

 

Just some of the benefits of increasing one's indoor fins.

[Crossy]

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