Worst Joke Ever 2024

[WorriedNoodle]

[farang51]

1 hour ago, radiochaser said:

A 40ish woman once said to me, you are old enough to have learned how to put the seat back down every time you use the toilet.  

I responded, I learned how to pick it up, so I don't urinate all over it, I guess you haven't learned yet, how to put it down so your ass does not fall in the water when you sit down.   It's easy.  Do it yourself.  

 

Not your wife, I guess.

[overherebc]

[roo860]

On this day in 1969 Simon and Garfunkel recorded Bridge over Troubled Water.

[roo860]

[roo860]

[Crossy]

[Crossy]

[Crossy]

6 hours ago, WorriedNoodle said:

 

Global warming?

[VBF]

8 hours ago, fangless said:

Does it count as a "Hole-in-One"?

Possibly, but it'll certainly be a Handicap.....

[sanuk711]

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[sanuk711]

[sanuk711]

[sanuk711]

[sanuk711]

[roo860]

[roo860]

[roo860]

[fangless]

[fangless]

[fangless]

[fangless]

[fangless]

 

PS;  Feel free to add your own "canned laughter"!

 

 

 

 

 

Edited November 10, 2021 by fangless

[fangless]

 

 

PS;  Do NOT tell Ryanair!

Edited November 10, 2021 by fangless

[fangless]

I'm not saying that I am nondescript but the Police have just told me that a criminal they had recently arrested admitted he had stolen my identity but had immediately returned it!

[fangless]

  A sailor was on board his ship on a long deployment when he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.
In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him to remind him of her during the long voyage.

So the Able Seaman did what any squared-away Jack Tar  would do. He went around  the whole Ship's Company and collected photos of women that they had, including not just sweethearts but adults of all ages.

In all, he got more than 225 pictures of various women and men (some with clothes and some without).

He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

[fangless]

The Young Monk (and an old joke)

     When a novitiate monk arrives at the monastery, he is assigned to assist in hand-copying, in copperplate, the ancient canons and church laws that have guided the church for thousands of years.
     A keen intellect, he quickly notices that all the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscripts. He points out to the head abbot that if someone made even a small error in the first copy it would never be discerned.
     The abbot takes the novitiate’s point and decides to venture down into the dark, candlelit catacombs beneath the monastery. Held in a vault behind lock and key, here the original manuscripts have remained, unopened, for hundreds upon hundreds of years. Hours go by, and nobody sees the old abbot.
     The young monk, becoming concerned, decides to go below and look for the elder monk. After much searching, he finally locates the abbot crying uncontrollably while continually banging his head against the cement floor, his forehead a bloodied and bruised mess.
     ‘What’s wrong, father?’ asks the young monk.

     ‘It doesn’t say celibate,’ the old abbot replies in a choked voice, ‘it says celebrate.’

[fangless]

Licence
     A young man has just got his driver’s licence and asks his father if they can discuss using the family car.
     His father replies that he’d like to make a deal with his son. ‘You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut, then we’ll talk about the car.’
     The lad thinks about that for a moment, before deciding he’ll settle for the offer, and they agree on it. After about six weeks, his father says, ‘Son, I’m real proud. You brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible. On the other hand, I’m really disappointed that you haven’t got your hair cut.’
     The young man pauses a moment and says, ‘You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I noticed in my Bible studies that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there’s even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.’
     To this, his father replies,

 

‘Did you also notice they all either walked or rode a donkey/ass everywhere they went?’

[fangless]

Temptation and the sins of the flesh!
     A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an aeroplane.
     After a while, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, ‘Is it still a requirement of your faith that you           not eat pork?’
     The rabbi responds, ‘Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.’
     The priest then asks, ‘Have you ever eaten pork?’
     The rabbi replies, ‘Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.’
     The priest nods in understanding and goes on with his reading.
     A while later, the rabbi speaks up and asks the priest, ‘Father, is it still a requirement of your church       that you remain celibate?’
     The priest replied, ‘Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.’
     The rabbi then asks him, ‘Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?’
     The priest replies, ‘Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.’
     The rabbi nods understandingly. He is silent for a bit.

     Finally, the rabbi says, ‘Sure beats a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?’
 

[fangless]

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY!

 Do cows have to watch where they step in fields?