25 minutes ago, WorriedNoodle said:

Sally has 4 apples and Julie has two oranges. How far south of Scotland are they?: -   Andy Parsons

The self-depreciation society is taking applications for new members.
I've already put myself down.

I've just started resistance training at the gym.
So far this week I've resisted training four times!

When we go on holiday my wife has to take a suitcase just for her knickers.

God knows what we'd do if she took two pairs.

I keep getting nuisance text's on my mobile phone.
The most frequent one is 'You said you were leaving the pub three hours ago'

My doctor told me I'm paranoid...

I wonder who else he's told?

I went to my eye test today.
Optician said : "I want you to look into this machinery and tell me what you see.."
I replied: "I see a geezer eating a bat, pubs closed and people wearing masks "
'Fantastic '..he says 'you've got 2020 vision '

Police are investigating why the plaque on the wall outside the Colgate head office keeps disappearing.

Ever played silent tennis?

It’s like normal tennis, but without the racket.

Last time I went to a nightclub, I got turned away by the bouncers. They said I'd had "a few too many".

I said, "I've only had 3 pints", but one of them replied, "birthdays pal, birthdays..."

I went into a bar in Spain & there was a huge bulls head on the wall.
I said " that must have been a big bull"
The barman " That bull killed my grandfather"
I said " Was he a bullfighter? "
He said " No. He was playing draughts over there and it fell on him! "

1 hour ago, ballpoint said:

Police are investigating why the plaque on the wall outside the Colgate head office keeps disappearing.

It probably gets brushed into the cavity insulation wall!

I saw a woman with a t-shirt that said "Guess" on it.
Apparently "Implants?" was not the appropriate response.