I've joined a new web dating site for arsonists.

They send out new matches every week.
 

As I get older I seem to have a change of taste sense, I mean Southern comfort tastes lovely but standard comfort tastes like fabric conditioner.

I was terrible at spelling when I was at school.

Brilliant at jografy though.

I couldn't afford my renewal fees for our local bondage club,

but they were good to me and organised a whip round.

For her birthday, my wife told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away.
So I bought her a treadmill.

To the woman in Tesco’s with the screaming kids, if you're wondering how the condoms got in your trolley... You're welcome.

I was present when my wife was giving birth. The midwife and doctor were at the bed but a strange fellow was by the door with his head in a sand bucket.
I asked what he was doing, and the midwife said not to worry, he was the ostritrician.

"Hello, and welcome to assumption club.

I think we all know why we're here!"

Just found out a neighbour has been caught hoarding stolen items from people's gardens. Police found 100 lengths of feathered edge timber and 20 litres of creosote; all reported missing.
He's the local fence.

I met a transvestite in Manchester
He had a Wigan address.

Unfortunately my wife found a dead mouse in the kitchen cupboard this morning. She was horrified. She’s spent the whole day deep cleaning. All cupboards emptied and everything washed: pots, pans, cups, glasses, everything! Then she’s cleaned out the cupboards, the surfaces, the floor. It looks likes a brand new kitchen.
Tomorrow I’m going to put the dead mouse in the bathroom.

Nothing but bad luck today. Not only will the toilet not flush, I’m now banned from HomePro.