1 hour ago, roo860 said:

The weight of the left or right one, or both?

My parents told me I could name my new pet dog anything I wanted and since I was a mischievous little boy, I 
decided to name the dog 
Sex.

 

It seemed funny at first 
until you understand all the confusion that this caused me in my later life.

 

Like the day that I went 
to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a licence for Sex.

 

He said, “I’d like to have one, too.”

Then, I said, “You don’t 
understand. She’s a dog.”

 

He replied, “Look man, I 
don’t care how she looks.”

 

“No no, I’ve had Sex 
since I was 5!”

 

He replied, “You must have been an early bloomer.”

***************

 When I decided to get 
married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the 
wedding. He told me I’d have to wait until after the 
wedding.

 

When I protested that Sex 
had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life.

***************

After my wife and I got 
married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex.

 

She replied, “Sir, every 
room in the hotel can be used for sex.”

 

I said, “You don’t understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.”

The clerk said, “Me too!”

***************

 When my wife and I  separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. 

When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, “Me too.”

***************

 One day my dog Sex and I 
took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight.

I told him, “I’m looking 
for Sex!”

 

My case comes up 
next Tuesday.

 ***************

Now that I’ve been thrown 
in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I’m in counseling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was.

 

I said, “Sex has left my 
life. It’s like losing a best friend and I’m so lonely.”

 

He said, “Look, you and I 
both know that sex isn’t man’s best friend. Why don’t you go get yourself a dog...”

17 hours ago, roo860 said:

If it's so difficult,  maybe you could try producing one... Will take awhile, I guess. 

During sex, Man suddenly stops and remains motionless. He then starts again and after some time stops to remain motionless once again. This goes on for quite some time.

 

Wife: What the hell are you doing?

 

Man: I have seen this new technique on an internet porn site...

 

Wife: Stupid... that is due to buffering.

I had thought the clothes dryer was shrinking my clothes,

but it turns out it was the fridge all along.

Proudly putting the "worst" into the worst joke thread:

This morning my wife said that she is leaving me. I asked why? She said because you don't take me seriously.

I just laughed.

 

I just subscribed to a new periodical magazine, "Diarrhea Sufferers Monthly".

The first issue comes with a free ring binder.

 

 

I went to the Doctors this morning, he said I've now got very low blood pressure.
So he's given me a prescription for 2 IKEA self assembly wardrobes.