Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces.

For example I'm going to the wine store & I'm scared it will be closed.

After an hour of applying her new beauty products, my wife said... How old do you think I look?
I said, from your skin I'd say 24, from your figure I'd say 27, from your eyes I'd say 25....
She said.. Oh darling you're so sweet.
I said... Hang on, I haven't finished adding it all up yet.

31 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

 

Baby Cheeses

 

 

The doctor told me I could have one drink of whisky before I go to bed.
Last night I went to bed 5 times.

Just saw Cat Stevens' narrow boat floating down the canal.
Mooring has broken.

Did you know that, although Napoleon didn't design his uniform,

he did have a hand in it.

A bloke takes his new car back to the garage and says to the mechanic "I just don't understand it, every time I drive past a vicar there's a beep and a number appears on the instrument panel"
"Don't worry about it" says the mechanic, "that's the Rev counter"

Paddy walked up to a guy in the street, and asked, "Have you seen my daughter? She's been missing since yesterday," and then showed him a photo.
Confused, the guy said, "That's just a picture of an empty chair."
"I know, mate," Paddy replied. "I just told you she's missing!!"

My wife said let's spice things up and play doctors and nurses

It was going really well 'til I diagnosed her as clinically obese.

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "There's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whiskey and, as a special treat, occasionally, he gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

Someone just rang my phone, sneezed, then hung up.
Bloody cold callers!

 

 

 

Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement:
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake.
When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our five hour flight.
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.

Handy hint for a DIY-er on how to turn your sofa into a sofa bed.
Forget your wife's birthday.