For Australians only -

 

An old grazier has retired and has gone into town on business.

He meets an acquaintance -

 

'Bruce you old devil - haven't seen you for yonks !

What are you up to ?'

 

'G'day mate. I'm too old for this farming caper now so I've sold the farm and I'm retiring to the coast.

In fact, I'm driving over the Range next week.'

 

'Over the mountains eh ? So what route are you going to take ?'

 

'She's been pretty loyal all these years so I reckon I'll take the missus.'

 

 

 

 

Glad we got that sorted out democratically !!

 

 

Yup, I had one of those !!

 

 

 

Until i sawed the legs off.......the table !!

It means "fresh spring rolls"  ????????

On 11/11/2019 at 10:59 AM, ballpoint said:

Breaking news:  The police have raided Uncle Ben's cut price circumcision clinic.  It was a rip-off joint.

Was the raid after a tip off?

Or maybe they were coming after some other jerk!

18 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Until i sawed the legs off.......the table !!

Are you sure it was the table legs you sawed off and not those of your parents?

2 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

Was the raid after a tip off?

Or maybe they were coming after some other jerk!

Don't ask me.  It's no skin off my nose.

16 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

Don't ask me.  It's no skin off my nose.

Just a minor operation then, or just a cut above the rest!

17 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

Don't ask me.  It's no skin off my nose.

As the non Jew said!

 

PS; was that after the second coming?

1 hour ago, fasteddie said:

Were they bumming around under cover and got caught because they were too slack?

1 hour ago, scottiejohn said:

As the non Jew said!

 

PS; was that after the second coming?

The first coming was called off due to flooding.  They had to send four skin divers down to retrieve the evidence.

7 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

The first coming was called off due to flooding.  They had to send four skin divers down to retrieve the evidence.

Were they just a bunch of bubbleheads suffering from the bends and out of their depth or did they just feel like jerking off somewhere with a less pressurised and circumspect feeling?

23 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Yup, I had one of those !!

Just one?

9 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

Just one?

If I’m honest..........two ????

17 hours ago, fasteddie said:

Why are there so many avenues in France ?

So the Germans can march in the shade.

 

How many Frenchmen are needed to defend Paris ?

No-one knows - they've never done it on their own ...

Older women

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa-bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV. But hey I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.
Now... I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. So I said to my wife "it seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10- inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!
 

A BIT OF A BEAR ARS%D JOKE I'M AFRAID!

 

THE WORM THAT TURNED A TRICK

 

Grandpa watched Tommy pull a worm out of the ground and told him that he would give him £10 if he could put it back in.

Tommy left with the worm for a moment and when he came back with it he said "Ok Grandpa, watch this". Tommy then pushed the worm right back down in the hole.

The Grandpa got out the £10 and gave it to Tommy.

Tommy said "Grandpa I can't keep this because I cheated. I sprayed the worm with hair spray. That's why I was able to do that."

Grandpa said "No, lad you can keep it for being so honest and thoughtful."

 

The next morning at breakfast Grandpa walked up to Tommy and gave him another £10.

Tommy said "No Grandpa. You already paid me."

Grandpa replied "I know but that money was from Grandma."
I
 

A Scottish barrister!

 

The bartender asks the Scotsman sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"

He answers, "A scotch, please."

The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

 

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"

The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the Scotsman gratefully replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."