A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. The guy asks, “What’s this about?”

The bartender replies, “Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone’s drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?”

The guy replies, “Nah, the steaks are too high.”

The class was quietly doing some reading when Johnny started waved his hands about and said "Miss, Miss, I gotta go pee!"

"That's not a very nice word" said the teacher, "the correct term is 'urinate'.  Now, use that in a sentence and you may be excused".

Johnny thought for a bit and said "My Dad reckons urinate, Miss, but if you had bigger tits you'd be a ten".

Little Suzy was absent from school for a few days, and when she returned she said to the teacher "I had the flu Miss, and mum wouldn't let me go to school because she said it's catching".

"That was good of her", said teacher, "but the correct word to use is 'contagious'.  Now, who can make a sentence using that word?"

"Me! Me! Miss!" shouted Johnny.

"Well, okay Johnny" said teacher, with some misgivings.

"Last weekend I went for a ride with my dad and we saw a truck that had spilled a load of watermelons on the road, and dad said, 'gee, it'll take that poor contagious to pick up all those watermelons'"

One by one, a class of fifth-graders were called on to make sentences with words chosen by their teacher. Nick didn't often participate in class, so his teacher was glad when she saw him raise his hand to give it a try.

 Nick, make a sentence with the words defeat, defense, deduct, and detail.

 

 Nick thought for a few minutes and smiled. He shouted, Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail!  

CHEMISTRY TEACHER: What is the formula for water?

 STUDENT: H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O.

 CHEMISTRY TEACHER: Why would you give a silly answer like that?

 STUDENT: I said it was H to O!

 
 TEACHER: José, go to the map and find North America.

 JOSÉ: Here it is!

 TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered North America?

 CLASS (in unison): José!

 
 SAM: Would you punish me for something I didn't do?

 TEACHER: No, of course not.

 SAM: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

TEACHER: If I gave you four cats today and six cats tomorrow, how many cats would you have?

 JANE: Eleven.

 TEACHER: That's not right, you'd have ten.

 JANE: No, Miss, I'd have eleven. I already have one cat at home!

 

 

 

 TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?

 CHARLIE: Eight.

 TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?

 CHARLIE: Ten.

 TEACHER: That=s impossible.

 CHARLIE: No, it isn't. I'm nine today.

 

 

 TEACHER: Why are you late?

 DANA: Because of the sign.

 TEACHER: What sign?

 DANA: The one that says, SCHOOL AHEAD, GO SLOW.

On Friday, the teacher told the kids that there would be a special show and tell on Monday.  The object they bring should be something that a member of the family uses and they must ask what they use it for when they borrow it.  Come Monday, little Suzy stands at the front, holds up something small and says "This is my mum's pin cushion.  She said that she uses it to keep pins and needles in".  Next, Timmy holds up a hammer and says "This is my dad's hammer.  He says he uses it to whack nails into bits of wood".  And so it goes, until only Johnny is left.  "Well, Johnny, do you have something to show us?" asks teacher.  "Yes Miss, but it's too big to bring in here, you need to look out the window".  Everyone crowds to the window and sees a big grey machine with a large bellows and pipes running all around it, and an electric plug trailing out the back.  "This is my granddad's iron lung" says Johnny.  "And what did he say when you borrowed it?" asked teacher.  "Nothing, he just went huuurrrggghhhhhh".

On 2/18/2019 at 8:14 PM, ballpoint said:

"This is my granddad's iron lung" says Johnny.  "And what did he say when you borrowed it?" asked teacher.  "Nothing, he just went huuurrrggghhhhhh".

Don't hold your breath but I think that is high on the "Groanarama index".???? 

Edited February 20, 20197 yr by scottiejohn

A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
“No thanks, I’m travelling light.”

 

Never trust an atom, they make up everything.

 

A neutron walks into a bar and asks, “How much for a whiskey?” The bartender smiles and says, “For you, no charge.”

 

I have a new theory on inertia, but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.

 

 

Definitions from the Oxbridge Dictionary of ISIHAC (BBC Radio 4) - comedy that needs a bit of thought.

 

· Abominable – practice frowned upon by all but the most aggressive of matadors

· Accomplish – one who aids and abets Sean Connery

· Admin – contribute the least

· Apollo – Roman god of chicken

· Appearing – an iPhone app that pierces your ear while you talk on it

· Balderdash – the rapid receding of a hairline

· Canada – a snake in a tin

· Category – an allegory about a cat (q.v. Allegory – a category of alley)

· Cauterise – what I did just before she looked away with disdain

· Cognac – to trick a long-haired Himalayan beast

 

And, for anyone who remembers Samantha ...

"So, as Samantha heads off to the Highland games to admire the contestants in the caber competition, and perhaps have a go at tossing one or two herself..."

 

I went to a flash nightclub last Friday, and there was a famous female pop star sitting in a private area.  I don't know how it happened, but she called me over and we really hit it off.  Everything was going fine until we went back to my place.  I turned on the light and she gave a disgusted laugh and said "That's really pathetic!  How do you think you'll satisfy me with such a tiny thing like that?"  "Gee", I said, "I'm sorry Adele, but it was the biggest fridge I could afford".

I know we have all had enough of BREXIT even if you are not a Brit but I liked this one!

Lying in bed facing the wife, I looked into her eyes and said, "Looking at your face reminds me of the lottery"
She replied, "You mean I am worth millions?"

I said, "No, I wish you'd bloody roll over!!"
 

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half, a centipede scored so many goals that the little animals won the game.

When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, “Where were you during the first half?”

 

He replied “Putting on my boots!”.
 

A man went to the doctor’s office to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a double dose.

“Why not?” asked the man.

“Because it’s not safe,” replied the doctor.

“But I need it really bad,” said the man.

“Well, why do you need it so badly?” asked the doctor.

The man said, “My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can’t you see? I must have a double dose.”

The doctor finally relented saying, “Okay, I’ll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.”

On Monday, the man dragged himself in; sweating profusely and with his arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, “What happened to you?”

The man said, “No one showed up.”

What happens when you cross a pig with a politician?

 

You can't. There are some things a pig won't do.

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," he replied.
"Oh, killed any?" she said.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," came the answer.
Intrigued, the wife asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
Husband: "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

So to make amends  the wife said to the husband:
`Let's go out and have some fun tonight!'
Husband: `Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the drive and hall lights on.'

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.
The first little boy says,
"Alligator.'
"Very good, that's a big word."
The second boy says, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."

"Well my sister has one and she says it eats f*cking batteries like there's no tomorrow."

 A man was arrested yesterday after falling into a combine harvester whilst trying to steal it! 
He's due to be bailed tomorrow!!

I just thought I should spread this around!