A man wanted Valentine's Day to be special, so he bought a bottle of absinthe and stopped by the florist's to order a bouquet of his wife's favorite flower: white anemones. Unfortunately, the florist was sold out of flowers and had only a few stems of feathery ferns. The man asked the florist to make a bouquet out of the ferns and the flask of liquor. He added a card and proceeded home. After a romantic candlelight dinner, he presented his wife with the gift. She opened the card to read, "Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder." With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly,

 

"Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones."

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day. As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision. After careful consideration, he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time. The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up. The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties. The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note:

"This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove.  When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me."

Love, Cuddle Bear

PS: The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing.

An old man and an old lady are sitting on a bench, having just only recently met.

 

They start kissing and cuddling, and after a few minutes, the old lady says "I have to warn you, I have got acute angina".

 

"Thank God for that!", the old man says, "because your tits are crap!".

Bill was walking down the street when he ran into an old friend he hadn't seen for a while, so they went into a coffee shop to catch up. 
"Did you hear that old Dave died the other day?" Bill asked.
"What?  But I just saw him last week!  How did it happen?"
"Well, he was coming around to my place when his car skidded on the stones out front, smashed through the fence, flipped into the air and he was hurled through the windscreen and straight through the upstairs bedroom window."
"Boy, poor old Dave.  What a way to go."
"No, that didn't kill him.  There he was, lying in broken glass on the bedroom floor, so he grabbed hold of the wardrobe door handle to pull himself up, and ended up tipping the whole thing over, fell right on top of him."
"Damn, crushed to death!"
"No, that didn't kill him.  He got to his feet, tripped on the loose glass, staggered out the bedroom door and straight down the stairs, taking the banisters with him.  Ended up at the bottom of the stairs with a banister pole through his chest."
"Speared to death, my god!"
"No, that didn't kill him.  He managed to stand up and go into the kitchen, slipped on the blood from his chest, fell forward, went straight through the glass oven door and ended up with his head in the roasting pan."
"So gassed to death!"
"No, that didn't kill him.  He picked himself up and..."
"Wait a minute, after all that he still wasn't dead?  How did he die then?"
"I shot him."
"You shot him??? Why???"
"I had to, he was wrecking the place."

 

 

 

Edited February 14, 20197 yr by ballpoint

My mother-in-law  bought a talking  parrot.
But she took it back  a week later telling the pet shop owner
"This parrot hasn't said anything yet!"  she complained.

 
"I haven't had a bloody chance to get a word in yet!"  interjected the parrot"   

The man turned to his beloved, ran his hand up her thigh across her belly & down her legs then down the back of her neck down her back and under her bum.

When he removed his hand suddenly and turned back to watch TV she asked  "Why stop now?" She said breathlessly!

 "I found  the remote!" he replied!  

Handing over my visa application at the Thai Immigration Office the IO  says.  "You've worn a bit since this photo was  taken.“  
"You're dead right  love!" I replied in my best Thai.  

"I had it taken just  before l joined  your bloody queue."                 

 

This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and finally went to a doctor.  After a thorough exam the doctor said "I'm sorry, but you have an extremely rare condition.  Your testicles are twisted upwards, which puts pressure on the base of the spine and sends these shooting pains to your head.  I'm afraid that the only cure is castration".  

The man was taken aback at this, and told his doctor that he believed he would try to bear the pain.  But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the poor fellow was driven back to the doctor and had the chop.

When it was all over, the man was understandably depressed, and was gloomily walking home when he walked past a men's wear shop and saw a nice suit in the window.  He decided to go in and buy it, and so begin a new life.  Upon saying what he wanted, the proprietor said, "I'd say you take a 38-regular".  

"That's right", exclaimed the man, "how'd you know?"  

"Well, when you've been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up.  Now, how about a nice shirt to go with it?  Looks like a 15 long will fit?"

"Right again."  

"Look, why not go the full hog, and get some silk undershorts too?  I'd say a size 36."  

"There's your first mistake, I've worn 34's for years."  

"No, you're a size 36 if I've ever seen one".

"I ought to know what size undershorts I wear, and I'll take a 34".  

"Well alright, if you insist, but I'm telling you, they're going to make your balls ride up the base of your spine and give you terrible headaches!"

A woman and her husband interrupted their shopping trip to go to the dentist...

 

The woman explained: "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novacaine because I'm in a big hurry, just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."

 

The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"

 

The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

 

A Chinese woman walked into the currency exchange in New York with 200,000 Yuan and walked out with $29,100.

The following week, she walked in with another 200,000 Yuan, and was handed $28,900.

She asked the teller: "Why I got less money this week than last week?"

The teller replied: "Fluctuations."

The Chinese woman stormed out and, before she slammed the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

Got the wife a new Pug Dog yesterday. 
Despite the squashed nose, the bulging eyes and the rolls of fat..

Surprisingly the new Dog still seems to like her!
 

Edited February 17, 20197 yr by scottiejohn

I came home from the pub four hours late last night.
"Where the hell have you been?" screamed my wife.
I said, "I've been playing poker with the lads.
"Playing poker with the lads?" 
she repeated. "Well, you can pack your bags and go!"

"So can you," I said. "This isn't our house anymore!!..

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an
F in arithmetic. 
"Why?" asks the father. 
"The teacher asked ‘How much is 2x3? and I said '6"'

"But that's right!" said Father

"Then she asked me ‘How much is 3x2?"'

His father asks, "What's the f*cking difference?"

Johnny said "That's exactly what I said to her!"
 

Edited February 17, 20197 yr by scottiejohn

My entry for "Worst joke of 2019" ...