Hope and despair in Thailand

A seaman is given 10 days' shore leave in Thailand and every night he hits the high spots -- drinking and whoring non-stop. 
However, towards the end of his leave he realises there's something wrong with him so he goes to see a nearby Thai doctor recommended by his hotel. 
"I'm afraid you have picked up a new and virulent sexual disease. It means you will have to have your penis surgically removed.  That will be 100,000Baht.  Of course the sailor doesn't have that sort of money so he leaves in a very worried state" 
Horrified, the man goes to see another Thai doctor at the large local Hospital but the diagnosis and the cost is the same. 
Walking slowly back to his ship, he passes  the premises of an old Christian STD charity advertising medical services. Desperate for better news, he goes in and is examined thoroughly. 
"You do not need to have your penis surgically removed," 
says the doctor "that is just a way for these locals try to make more money."  Overjoyed, the man replies, "Then everything is going to be alright?" 
"Oh no," says the doctor.

"I mean your penis will just drop off on its own in a few days' time." 
 

The customer is ALWAYS right and should get what he asks for!

A businessman books into a country hotel, asks for breakfast at 8.30 and also requests a girl to come to his room after dinner that night.

"That's outrageous!" says the owners wife when he told her.

"What sort of hotel does he think we are running? Go and tell him, Fred." 
 But her husband thinks it's a lot of fuss about nothing and tells her so. 
"Okay, if you won't go, then I will", and she disappears up to his room. 

Some time later, the man appears in the bar for a nightcap and seeing the husband, he comments, "My goodness, that was quite a woman you sent up. I like the hard-to-get type, it's more fun, particularly in the end when they surrender." 
 

Watch how you answer, especially in the wild!

The big game hunter, out on safari, came across a naked woman stretched out on the ground next to her tent. 
He said, "Excuse me, Miss, are you game?" 
"I sure am," she said. 
So he shot her. 

 

 

Poor guy, wonder how he survived ??

 

Is it too early for Easter jokes ...

19 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Poor guy, wonder how he survived ??

Don't really care, it was just a storm in a tea cup!

Watch what you say

A very successful lawyer buys a new Ferrari. He parks in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he gets out, a truck passes too close and completely tears the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabs his cell phone, dials 911, and within minutes a policeman pulls up to take a report. Before the officer has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically. His Ferrari, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally winds down from his ranting and raving, the officer shakes his head in disgust.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he says. "All you care about is money and your possessions."
The lawyer unleashes a stream of obscenities before the officer can calm him down. "Hear me out . . . see, you are so worried about your car, you didn't even notice that the accident took off your left arm."

"Oh my god!" screams the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"
 

Who is constantly bossing around the office supplies?

The ruler.

What did one geologist say to the other while they both stared down at a giant fissure in the rocks?

"I wonder whose fault this is."

 

Did you hear that everyone at the mint went on strike? They wanted to make less money.
 

Why did the weatherman take a leave of absence after breaking both arms and both legs? He would have trouble working with the four casts.

"I used to be a mime . . . but now I can talk about it . . . "

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
 

A waiter returns to the table to ask the customer how his meal is so far. "How did you find your steak?" the waiter asks.
"I just pushed a ton of mashed potatoes to the side and there it was," said the man.
 

 

 

 

Bert was having a check up, he says to his GP "My sex life is terrible nowadays, I can't even touch the sides lately." "Neither of us gets any satisfaction."

Doctor says "Do you drink?" Bert answers "Yes, I drink scrumpy." The doc says "There's the trouble, scrumpy shrivels things up, you should drink Guinness, Guinness builds you up. Start on the guiness and let me know how things are in three months."

Three months later Bert is with the Doctor again. "How are things now Bert?." "Oh really great" says Bert. "My sex life is absolutely fantastic." The doc smiles "Guinness did the trick then? " "No" Bert replies "I've got the missus on scrumpy."

Look at this guys !!