31 minutes ago, roo860 said:

I do like to visit the Clit for recreational purposes but not in a forested area.

A man goes into a florist and says, "I want to buy some flowers for my girlfriend".

 

"Certainly sir", she responds, "and what in particular are you after"?

 

After some thought, the man answers, "a <deleted>".

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3 AM.

 

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.

 

Then, a louder knock follows.

 

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

 

So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. 

 

"Hi there," says the stranger, "can you give me a push?"

 

"No, get lost, it's 3 AM. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

 

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.

 

She says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

 

"He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

 

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"

 

A voice cries out "Yeah please."

 

Still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

 

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."

A guy wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

 

He sits down and sees his clothes in front of him, all clean and pressed.

 

He looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

 

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

 

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

 

He asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

 

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

 

Confused, he asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

 

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"

A poster on the AN solar forum proudly displays his house...