The jumper I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one free of charge.

A female weightlifter goes to her quack:
"I've been taking steroids, and now I've grown a penis!"
"Anabolic?" asks the Doctor.
"No, just a penis."

A man out having a stroll comes across a little lad in his homemade cart made up to look like a fire engine.
The bloke says, "that's a nice fire engine you've got there son, but I'll give you a tip: tie the rope round the dog's neck instead of it's testicles it'll go faster."
The kid looks at him and says, "yeah, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

I don't know if this is the worst joke or the best joke for 2020.

 

437 govt schools to be closed Wednesday to tackle severe air pollution

7 minutes ago, stouricks said:

I don't know if this is the worst joke or the best joke for 2020.

 

437 govt schools to be closed Wednesday to tackle severe air pollution

I take it the government will be next?

 

8 minutes ago, WorriedNoodle said:

Grammar Police here. BELOW is a preposition or an adverb. NOT an adjective, sorry. It should be pictures below.

Son: Dad, dad, there's a man at the door with a bill.

Dad: No son, it's a duck with a hat on.

 

5 minutes ago, bluesofa said:

Son: Dad, dad, there's a man at the door with a bill.

Dad: No son, it's a duck with a hat on.

Similar to this one which has always made me laugh................

 

Son: There's a man at the door selling funny faces.

Dad: Tell him you've already got one son!

2 hours ago, bluesofa said:

I take it the government will be next?

 

Would anybody apart from Thanathorn and the FFP notice, or even care?

18 hours ago, overherebc said:

It's the way I tell them.

????????

Very badly so far which is as it should be.  Keep up your awful work!

????

7 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

Very badly so far which is as it should be.  Keep up your awful work!

????

And there's more, c'mere.

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution, "This guy looks edible; never seen his kind before." So the lion starts rushing toward the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic, but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea. He says loudly, "Mmm . . . that was some good lion meat!"
The lion abruptly stops and says, "Whoa! This guy seems tougher than he looks. I'd better leave while I can."
From a nearby treetop, a monkey witnesses everything. The monkey realizes that he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return, so he proceeds to tell the lion what really happened. The lion says angrily, "Get on my back, we'll get him together." They start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and, realizing what has happened, starts to panic even more.
He then gets another idea and shouts,

 

"Where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!"

Two priests are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yells the first driver as he speeds by. From around the curve the priests hear screeching tires and a big splash.
"Do you think," one priest says to other, "it would be better to shorten the sign to 'Bridge Out' instead?"
 

What did the two iPhones say to the two iPads? "Want to get kinky and have a 4G?"

 

Why are tall people always so well rested? They sleep longer in bed.

 

What did the head of the nudist colony say to the newest male members? "The first morning is always the hardest."

 

Did you hear the rumor about exit signs? They are on the way out.

A man was eating in a restaurant when he desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so he timed his gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, he started to feel better. He finished his coffee and noticed that everybody was staring at him.

Then he suddenly remembered he was listening to his iPod.

One day Bill goes looking for an unusual pet. 

He finds in the corner a kind of hamster looking animal.

Shop owner tells him it's a South American Rarey.

Bill takes it home and is really surprised little it does, just sits there, eats and grows at an alarming rate. After a couple of months he is fed up with it so asks the shop if they want it back but the shop's not interested.

He lives close to Beachy Head so one day he loads it, with difficulty into the pick up and drives there. He reverses the pick up close to the edge, gets in the back of the pick and starts to shove it out. He notices that it's waving it's tiny little paw about and its lips are moving so he bends down closer and hears it singing in a tinny little voice

 It's a long way to tip a rarey.