Husband:  Honey, what would you do? if I won the lottery?
Wife:         I'd leave you and take half the money
Husband:   Well, I've won a tenner, here's a fiver, now sod off!"
 

The wife was watching a cookery show.
I said 

"What the devil are you watching that for, you can t cook?"

She said

"You watch porn don’t you!"
 

A female weightlifter goes into the Doctors and says...
"' I’ve been taking steroids for so long now, I've grown a cock."
"Anabolic?" says the doctor.

"No, just a cock"She replied.
 

Paddy and his missus are asleep in bed one night when the phone rings. Paddy picks up the phone and after a while says,  "How the <deleted> should I know, ring the coastguard!"
His wife asks, "Who was on the phone paddy?"
Paddy replies, "Wrong number sweetheart, just some eejit asking if the coast was clear!!
 

Paddy gets a letter through the letterbox and it lands on the floor.
In big bold letters on the side facing up it says:

'DO NOT BEND'.
Paddy's was still there wondering how he's going to pick it up when his wife walked in and picked it up!
 

My mate fixed me up with a blind date.
He said,

"She's a lovely lass, but there's something you should know...She's expecting a baby.
I felt like a right prat waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy (diaper)!
 

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.

 

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.

 

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

 

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

 

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the postman wants to buy Mom."

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.

 

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

 

As he is going out of the door to go to school, little Johnny asks his Mom "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No".

 

Johnny says, "I think I know why.”

 

Knowing little Johnny's propensity for lude and crude remarks, his mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

 

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

 

She replies, "No."

 

Johnny says, "I think I know why.”

 

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

 

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

 

His mom says "No."

 

He says, "I think I know why.”

 

His Mom replies, "Ok, ok, do tell me what you think."

 

Little Johnny says: "Last night Fred came to my room for a tube of vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

 

The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

 

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.

 

The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

Called in at 711 last night and had a cheese toasty, a cheese and ham toasty and a sausage and egg toasty .
Woke up in the morning sick as a dog ????????

Went to the doctor he said I was suffering from mixingmetoasties !!

A bloke and his wife spent their 25th wedding anniversary in the same hotel they’d spent their honeymoon night in. After a romantic dinner they returned to their room and were about to have sex when the wife turned to her husband and said, “When you first saw me naked all those years ago, what was going through your mind?”
“All I was thinking about was how I wanted to shag your brains out and suck your tits dry,” replied the bloke.
“So what are you thinking now?” asked the woman, removing the last of her clothes.
“Well,” said the bloke, “I’m thinking it looks like I did a pretty good job.”

A bloke walked into bar with a crocodile on a chain and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Sure,” said the bartender.
“Good,” said the bloke. “Give me a beer and get a lawyer for my croc.”

Patient: “Doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck up my bum.” 

Doctor: “I’ve got some cream for that.”

My wife went to the beauty parlour and got a mudpack on her face.  I was skeptical that it would do any good, but it worked for a few days.  Then the mud fell off.

AGAIN AND AGAIN!

 

My boss said to me,  "Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?
I said,  "It's because I'm allergic to getting paid peanuts!"

Wife:  "I love you so very much and could never live without you!”
Husband: "Is that you or is it the wine talking you drunken slob?"
Wife: "Idiot.  It's me talking to the wine!”

  

Apparently the Romanians are doing well in the Olympics.
They've taken the gold, silver, bronze, 
lead, copper, zinc and anything else they could get their hands on...
 

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

 

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

 

Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

 

I got a sweater for my birthday. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner for a change.

 

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

 

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

 

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.