During one of the many wars that the French and the British fought and the French usually lost, the French just happened to capture a British Major.  An officer brought the Major to the French general for interrogation.  The French general began ridiculing the Major for wearing "that stupid red tunic."  The French general said, "Why to you wear that red uniform, it makes it easy for us to shoot you."  

The British major replied, "We are proud to wear our uniform and if by some miracle I do get wounded by a French bullet, the blood will not show, and my soldiers will not get scared."  

The French general said, "That is a very good idea,"

The Frenchy turned to his orderly and said,

 

"From now on all French officers will wear brown pants."?

A bloke went to a doctor and said, “There’s something terribly wrong with me. I can’t stop frying things. Everything I eat, I fry – fruit, vegetables, meat – absolutely everything. And now it’s spread to other areas. I fry the newspaper before I read it, I fry my clothes before wearing them, I even fried my bicycle before riding it here!”
“I'm not sure what the cause is", said the doctor, “but you really need to stop frittering your life away!”

A charity collector walked up to a rich lawyer’s house, knocked on the door and asked him if he’d like to make a donation.
“No way!” said the lawyer.
“But look at this house you live in,” the collector pleaded. “You must have millions! Surely you can spare a few dollars?”
The lawyer mulled this over, then replied, “Did you know that my mother is dying from a horrible form of cancer and has enormous medical bills?”
“Well, no.”
“And did you know my brother is a war veteran who’s blind and confined to a wheelchair?”
“Oh dear!” said the collector, beginning to feel embarrassed. 
“Or that my sister’s husband just died, leaving her penniless with three children to raise?”
“I’m so sorry, I had no idea!” said the mortified collector.
“So, seeing as I don't give anything to those bastards, what makes you think I’d give any to you?” the lawyer asked.

On 1/13/2019 at 2:09 PM, scottiejohn said:

My jaw dropping response is that I'm Scottish so that is my excuse for not knowing the true facts re US Crocs & gators.

 

All I did was to try and make the punchline snappy.

I must have been drunk and contentious when I wrote that one, sorry.

I went to a very well off school, but I had a terrible time.  The other kids kept throwing gold bars at me.  I was the victim of bullion.

A bloke's sitting in a deserted part of the airport, reading a book while waiting for his plane, when this furtive looking fellow walks up to a vending machine opposite him.  The fellow looks around before pressing his crotch up against the machine, puts some money in and hangs on.  The machine goes rumble rumble rumble, the feller gives a sigh of relief and walks away buttoning up his fly.  The bloke is naturally curious about all this, but before he can do anything another geezer walks up, holding his crotch.  Same thing, presses against the machine, money in, hangs on, the machine goes rumble rumble rumble and he walks away buttoning up his fly with a smile on his face.  The bloke's got to try this for himself, so he puts down his book and crosses over to the machine.  There's a round hole at crotch level, a slot for money and a handle on each side to hang on to.  The bloke looks around, no one's nearby, so he opens his fly, slips his old fella into the hole, puts the money in and hangs on.  The machine goes rumble rumble rumble, the bloke goes aaaargh and walks away with a button sewn onto the end of his knob. 

3 minutes ago, riceyummm said:

I'm sure it is really funny but i dont get it.

1 hour ago, riceyummm said:

 

1 hour ago, jvs said:

I'm sure it is really funny but i dont get it.

It's a classic. 

It really should say 49167903_2051616514932185_2398385982345838592_n-jpg.4262146

 

49167903_2051616514932185_2398385982345838592_n-jpg.4262145, what a hoot!

I was standing on the bathroom scales, sucking my stomach in.

 

The missus saw me and laughed "That's not going to help."

 

"Of course it helps," I replied "Now I can see the numbers."

 

 

A Scot won $20,000,000 on the US lottery and decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

 

He now has $19,999,999.75.

Sadly, our Granddad died unnecessarily. He needed a transfusion and nobody could remember his blood group.

 

Still, we were all encouraged by his last words …

 

“Be positive” he kept saying.

5 hours ago, riceyummm said:

 

5 hours ago, riceyummm said:

 

4 hours ago, ballpoint said:

 

It's a classic. 

It really should say 49167903_2051616514932185_2398385982345838592_n-jpg.4262146

 

49167903_2051616514932185_2398385982345838592_n-jpg.4262145, what a hoot!

@riceyummm  You do realize we can't see the images you posted, right?  Looks like they're hosted on an image site and you must be logged on to the site to view them.

Why is Santa's sack so big? Because he only comes once a year.

My wife told me she wanted something that would go from 0 - 100 in under 3 seconds for her birthday.  So I bought her some bathroom scales.

Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."

She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.

The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.

"Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?"

"I just want to know why you can't ring the bell for yourself?"
-------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you do when you break your toe?

A: Call a toe truck.
----------------------------------------------------------------

I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it

I saw it with my own eyes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What are four hundred rabbits hopping backwards?

A: A receding hare line.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
 

My girlfriend went on and on for ages accusing me of acting like a flamingo.

Eventually I just had to put my foot down.

 

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I’ve made wet this year to minus 1.

 

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

 

Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls. – I was in the women’s bathroom.

A teacher gives her kindergarden students four flavors of sweets (lime, cherry, orange, and honey) and they have to guess the flavors.

 

The students guess lime, cherry, and orange, but they dont know the last flavor.

 

The teacher gives them and hint and says: "Its something your parents call each other."

 

A little girl shouts out: “OMG they're ass*oles!"

 

 

Edited March 7, 20197 yr by chickenslegs
Delete function F*c*ked up my joke

NEWSFLASH…………..

 

A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted 'He's behind you!'

 

17 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

Delete function F*c*ked up my joke

 

And I immediately thought of Charlie Drake.

 

 

Absolutely wonderful, innuendo & no smut.

I went to my first meeting of premature ejaculators anonimous

today.When i arrived there was no one there,i guess i came early.

My wife came home from her annual breast examination with a big smile on her face.

I asked: "Why are you so happy?"

The wife replied: "The lovely new young doctor told me that I have the breasts of a eighteen year old."

I laughed: "What did he say about your old fat ass?"

She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

The teacher asked her class: "Raise your hand if you can use fascinate in a sentence."

 

Sally raised her hand and answered: "The zoo was fascinating."

 

The teacher said: "Sorry, Sally, I said to use fascinate in a sentence."

 

Maria raised her hand and said: "I was fascinated at the zoo."

 

Once again the teacher said, "No, Maria, I specifically said to use fascinate in a sentence."

 

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher looked around, but there was no one else with a raised hand.

 

"Go ahead Johnny" she said.

 

Johnny started: "My sister has ten buttons on her sweater."

 

The teacher interrupted: "Sorry, Johnny, I said use fascinate in a sentence."

 

Johnny replied, "I know, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

A man goes into a toy shop to buy his daughter a birthday present.

 

He asks the shop assistant: "How much are these Barbie dolls?”

 

She says: "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."

 

The man asks: "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"

 

"That's obvious," the saleslady says, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

A guy goes to a doctor to get his tennis elbow checked.  When he arrives the receptionist asks him for a urine sample.  Thinking that this seems a little strange for tennis elbow, he asks what for.  She tells him that the doc has a new machine that can diagnose any ailment by the patient's urine.  The guy is skeptical but decides to go along with it, and asks the doctor about it when he sees him.   "It's an amazing machine" says the Doctor, "it cost me $1 million, but it cuts my office hours by half, and gives me much more free time out on the golf course.  Now, take this medicine, and come back with another urine sample in two weeks". 

Two weeks pass and the guy figures he'll play a trick on the doc, so he asks his family to help.  His wife pissed in it, his daughter pissed in it, he put a couple of drops of oil from his car in it, and, to top it off, he jerks off into it.  He then returns to the doctor's office and gives him the sample.  The doctor analyzes it and says "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you.  Your wife has chlamydia, your daughter is pregnant, your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get any better."

 

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.  The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked,

"Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

On 3/6/2019 at 5:22 PM, riceyummm said:

I must have been drunk and contentious when I wrote that one, sorry.

No problem and no offence taken.  I should have added a happy emoji to it.