Weather reporter, wrong place, wrong time.

 

 

A baby seal walks into a bar;

 the bartender says "what'll ya have?"

 

 

The seal says "anything but a Canadian Club..."

 

7 minutes ago, WorriedNoodle said:

Hull! that was Sick

Oh Pull th'rudder one!

Any more of these and I'll Deck ya...

 

well... this sick in the head one didn't take long to surface!

create your own virus to destroy all civilisation

2 hours ago, WorriedNoodle said:

I certainly do not want to do the disk cleanup after that and I also worry about the bad clusters and sectors.

TONGUE IN CHEEK ONE!

A young lady who thought she was overweight went to see a dietitian. She walked into his office and asked several questions about dieting, exercise, and other things. Her final question to the dietitian sparked interest in him. She asked, 'How many calories are in sperm?
   'Why?' he replied.
   She explained some of the things she liked to do.
   After thinking a minute he said, "I really have no clue, but if you are consuming that much of it, then no guy is going to care if you're a little chunky!"
 

TONGUE IN CHEEK TWO!

YOU GET MORE THAN YOU WANTED-SOMETIMES

 

This beautiful woman walks into a doctor's office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window.
   He tells her to take off her pants. She does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
   'Do you know what 1 am doing?" asks the doctor.
   "Yes, checking for abnormalities," she replies.
   He tells her to lake off her shin and bra. She takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
   She replies, 'Yes, checking for cancer."
   Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her, and starts having sex with her. He says to her, 'Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies,

 

"Yes. you're getting the clap—that's what I'm here to see you about."

A PATIENT MAN AND A WILLING HAND!

 

A patient asked through his oxygen mask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
The nurse replied, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
The head nurse was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong. "Nurse," he mumbled, "are my testicles black?"
    Being a nurse of long standing, she was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes, and announced, "No.  There's nothing wrong with them!"
    Startled, the man pulled off his oxygen mask and exclaimed, "Thanks for that but what I actually asked was, are my test results back?"
 

I was in Big C with the wife today when completely out of the blue she said "You know something? You really are a lazy **** "

I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.

I DON'T THINK AN ASPRIN WILL HELP

 

It's a beautiful, warm spring day, and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a low-cut, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a large gorilla, the gorilla goes wild. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand and two feet, grunting and pounding his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
    The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs, and showing him your nether regions,' he says, so she does, and this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
    Then, quickly, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla, and says. 'Now, tell him you have a bl**dy headache."

9 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

I was in Big C with the wife today when completely out of the blue she said "You know something? You really are a lazy **** "

I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.

I assume you were "off your trolley" at the time!

After my prostate examination the doctor left, then the nurse came in & whispered 3 words that no man wants to hear: "Who was that?"

3 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

After my prostate examination the doctor left, then the nurse came in & whispered 3 words that no man wants to hear: "Who was that?"

Followed by you asking "what was that!"

 

A Man was sitting on the edge of the bed.

Observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her Birthday was not far off, He asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday?

 

'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied,

Still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,

And then took her to Alton Towers theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park;

The Death Slide, the Corkscrew,

The Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there Was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a Mc Donald's

Where he ordered her a Happy Meal

With extra fries and a chocolate shake..

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn,

A huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's..

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband

And collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile

And lovingly asked,

'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'

Her eyes slowly opened

And her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you idiot !!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it frickin' Wrong.

 

 

13 hours ago, WorriedNoodle said:

I dont like cliffhangers,please give us a clue .Not everyone watches lesbian porn!

5 hours ago, jvs said:

I dont like cliffhangers,please give us a clue .Not everyone watches lesbian porn!

Rock... Paper.... Sc?????s 

 

Hint: it's a lesbian sex position as common as missionary or doggy style is to a straight guy (probably a gay guy as well)...