21 hours ago, jvs said:

From your many posts here i can tell you have a sick mind,i have a feeling we could get along.

It could be interesting to hook up but I am only allowed out once a month on a full moon and only when the matron thinks all my screws are in the correct place.  Also they only let me out with an escort, I would prefer a Rolls Royce but they insist on a ford escort.

My wife, being the romantic sort, sent me the following text: 
“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!” 
Me being the typically non- romantic type, replied: 

“I am on the toilet. Please advise.”
 

I Just rang the local restaurant-
"Hello"
"Do you do takeaways?"
"Yes"
"What's 157-73?" 

If I was a plastic surgeon..
I would put a squeaky toy in every breast implant.
 

 
I can drive a woman wild with my tongue before we even get into bed!
It's pretty easy...
All I do is say, "My god you have put on some weight, haven’t you?" 

The condition of the man who was mauled at the Teddy bear's picnic is said to be improving but he's not out of the woods yet!
 

Paddy weighs 20st so his doctor puts him on a diet.
I want you to eat moderately for two days, then skip a day ana ropeat this for two weeks, you should lose 5lbs.
When paddy returns, he shocks the doctor by having lost 4st
“That's amazing" the doctor says...
Paddy nodded, “To tell ya the truth be Jazus, I taut I was gonna drop dead by da 1st week".
"What, from hunger?" asks the doctor.

"No, from all da bleedin' skippin" says Paddy. 
 

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica - no longer
needed. Got married last month.

Wife knows everything.

"Thailand has become the hub of education."

Torture in Bavarian country.....

I’ll just leave this here !!

A Motor mechanic was just completing a repair in which he had removed the cylinder head from the motor of a car when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this.?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was finishing working on the car.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.
So how is it that I make £24,000 a year and you make £1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work.?"
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.... "Try doing it with the engine running!.

SEX WITH BOSS
A lawyer boss said to his secretary “I want to have SEX with you I will make it as fast as I can. 
I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you’ve bent down and pick it up I'll be done, but remember a deal is a deal in law.”
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast. He wouldn't even have enough time to pull his pants down and let me know how it goes so we can celebrate!" 
So she agrees.
Half an hour goes by with no news from the GF so the BF  decides to call his GF.  When she answers he asks, “What happened?”
She responds,

'The B*stard used coins which I'm still picking and he has also f*cked off!
 

Q: What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?
A: Five after one.

 

Q: What kind of dog always runs a fever?
A: A hot dog!

 

Q: What do you call a dog that likes bubble baths?
A: A shampoodle!

 

Q: What’s a dog’s favorite food for breakfast?
A: Pooched eggs.

 

Q: What do you call a dog with a Rolex?
A: A watch dog.

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.

"It's not polite.."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says,
"those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything ! on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,

"I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks,
"How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,
"I know! why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?" 

"Because you got an F in sex.

Edited May 7, 20197 yr by ballpoint