My wife told me our neighbour kisses his wife goodbye on the steps every morning, and asked me why I don’t do the same,

but I don’t know her that well.

Two drunk nipples walk into a bar.

“Give us two pints of beer, barman!”, one says.

“No chance”, says the barman. “You’re both off your tits...”

I tried to warn my friend about the dangers of Russian Roulette.

It went in one ear and out the other.

I saw a young girl busking today with a great voice.

"Any requests?" she asked the watching crowd.

"Your thong," I replied with a wink.

Everyone gasped in horror, and the girl slapped me.

It's tough being an Elton John fan with a lithp!

A wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the Halloween party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party.

As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice bird he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and made passionate love in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. 'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.'

Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?'

He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.'

'You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, 'Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life.'

When I’m watching porn, I don’t care if they have big breasts, big butts or a pretty face.
I'm a jack off all traits.

Son : "Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"
Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbour's daughter".

Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later

Son : "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Peny, the other neighbour's daughter."

Father : "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Penny is also your sister."

This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,he went straight to his mother crying.

Son : "Mum I am so mad at dad ! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because daddy is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says:

"My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your Father."!!!

 

vegetative state 

 

 

 

Woke and the robot 

 

 

Fun fact of the day... While Alan Turing was cracking codes in WW2, his sister Kay was providing drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues...

Newly discovered Orthodox Christian Icon depicts

the origins of the Easter Bunny

.