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Worst Joke Ever 2026

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Excuse me Miss... 

May be an image of text that says 'Excuse me Miss, on the roof of the hotel, you are indeed permitted to take off your bikini, and see that you have covered your small buttocks with a towel, but ...how to put it... you are lying on the skylight over the dining room!'

 

 

 

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I bought one of those ‘smart light switches’ but it was much too clever...

 

So I replaced it with a dimmer switch.

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Two birds are on a tree branch in the middle of the night

Bird 1: "I'm hungry, I'm going to try to find a mouse to eat."

Bird 2: "You sure? It's pretty damn dark to find a mouse."

Bird 1: "There's no harm in trying."

Bird 2: "I guess.."

So bird 1 flies off into the darkness. Some time passes and the sun begins to rise. Bird 2 sees his pal flying back with a juicy beakful of blood.

Bird 2: "Wow! Where did you find a feast like that?"

Bird 1: "See that tree over there?"

Bird 2: "Yeah"

Bird 1: "Well, I didn't."

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A burglar broke into a house one night...

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

 

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

 

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

 

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

 

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

 

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

 

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed.

 

'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

 

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

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If you stand by the sea, it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.

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TOP TIP OF THE DAY
If you ever date a dominatrix...
Never ever suggest it’s time to hit the sack.

Some of us learned this the hard way

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Went to a restaurant last night and they had ‘Napoleon Chicken’ on the menu.

I asked the waiter what this was, he said; “There’s no meat - only the boney part...”

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