I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right places.

 

I said WOW and gave her my name. She gave me hers, so i asked what she did.

She said "I'm a Sunday school teacher."

 

I said "Well, I Ain't never been with a Christian woman before but I'm open minded about the whole affair."

 

So we got in my Corvette and i was trying to impress her now. I headed to the fanciest place in town that didn't take reservations. I asked her if she'd like to smoke a joint while we wait.

 

She said "Heavens no! What would i tell my Sunday school children?" And I apologised.

I figure weed's 50/50 some people do some people don't, so i took a few puffs and then we got a table.

 

She ordered the lobster, I ordered the steak. I asked for the 2nd most expensive bottle of wine on the list, but when our waiter came to pour it, she declined saying "Heavens no! What would I tell my Sunday school children?"

 

I knew right then and there it was a bust. We ate our pricey meals. We talked and laughed. Had a great time at dinner bur I drank that whole pricey bottle by myself thinking her Christ was one helluva cock blocker.

 

So I'm driving her home and we pass a cheap motel. I figure I've got nothing left to lose, so I say "Why don't we get a room and <deleted> like bunnies?"

 

She says "I thought you'd never ask!"

I say "really? What will you tell your Sunday school children?"

 

She says, "The same thing I tell them every week...

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRINK AND SMOKE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME!!!"

I've finally found the wife's G spot.

Turns out her sister had it.

In the days before the lockdown...

I got chatting with a girl in a bar, "Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.

"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.
"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a glass of white wine, please.

A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.

While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"

I said, "My wife found out."

Did you know that there are no canaries on the Canary Islands?
Same as the Virgin Islands.

There are no canaries there either.

A foursome of men waited at the men's tee while a foursome of women was hitting in front of them--taking their time.

When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it 10 feet. Then she went over and missed it completely. Then she hacked it another ten feet and finally hacked it another five feet.

She looked up at the patiently waiting men and said apologetically, "I guess all those f*#king lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responded, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck and he was only 43.

The dog across the road has hurt his leg.

 

 

Been around dogs far too long.

I thought I saw Van Morrison the other day, turned out I was looking in my rear-view mirror and it was a Morrisons Van...