5 hours ago, tomazbodner said:

last sentence would be: "I'm literally shaking right now!"

What!

Maybe out of the tree!

5 hours ago, roo860 said:

I suppose he plays only bum notes!

 

A drunk man came staggering through the park well and truly sloshed when he saw a man doing press-ups. After watching him for a minute, the drunk started to laugh.

"What's so funny?" asked the man angrily.

"I think you ought to know your woman's left you," replied the drunk.

It was so cold in the park last month that the local flasher was reported to be describing himself to the women he met.

The president was driving through Republican country when his driver knocked over and killed a pig that suddenly strayed into the middle of the road.

"You'd better go and tell the farmer," ordered the president, "and offer to pay for it."

"Yes, sir," replied the driver and off he went.

It was almost four hours later when he returned with a satisfied look on his face.

"Where the hell have you been?" demanded the president angrily.

"Well, I did as you said. I went up to the farmer's house and told him what I'd done. He invited me in, gave me a fantastic meal and then invited me upstairs to bed his daughter."

"But why?" puzzled the president.

"I've no idea," replied the driver.

 

"All I said was that I was the president's driver and that I'd run over and killed the pig."

 

Three bulls had serviced the farmer's herd of cows for more than five years.

During that time they had split the herd between them, each having an amount appropriate to their size, so the biggest bull had 20 more than the smallest.

One day, the bulls discovered a fourth bull was going to join them. "Sod that," said the biggest bull, "he's not having any of my cows," and the others agreed.

The following morning a huge lorry arrived at the gate of the field and out stormed the largest bull they had ever seen, who began snorting loudly and glaring menacingly over at them.

"Oh, well," said the biggest bull nervously, "I guess he can have a few of my cows. It'll be nice not to have to work so hard."

"Yeah, I agree," said the middle-sized bull, "there's no reason why we can't share a bit. He can have some of mine as well."

Suddenly the smallest bull started snorting and stamping his feet on the earth,  sending up clouds of dust.

"Hey, listen, mate," hissed the other two, "I wouldn't go up against him, just let him have some of your cows."

"He can have all my cows," replied the small bull.

 

"I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."
 

Don't cry for me Argentina . . .

A man was desperate to buy a singing canary, but none of the shops for miles around had one in stock. Eventually, he was advised to buy a mavi bird.

"If you file the bird's beak down by ¾ of an inch, it'll sing just like a canary," he was told. "But be very careful, any more than that, and the bird will die because he won't be able to eat."

So the man went to the hardware shop and bought a file and a steel tape measure. A few weeks later, he happened to go back to the shop for some nails and the storekeeper gave him a friendly greeting.

"Hello, sir, I remember you. You had a mavi bird, how is it?"

The man looked downcast and answered, "He's dead, poor thing."

"Oh, I am sorry. Did you file too much off the beak?"

 

"Oh, no. He was dead when I got him out of the vice."
 

.Normally you would say no…no way----But after a few Beers..........