33 minutes ago, WorriedNoodle said:

If a pecker enters the tits one does he get a free warbler?

Just asking for a friend who is a little pecker!

I saw a headline:

"Fossilised teeth dating back 9.7 million years could rewrite history"
I doubt it.
A fossilised pencil maybe.

Never mind the fifth Beatle,
what about the other three hundred and fifty seven Degrees?

You should never repeat yourself.
That's what I always say.

I'm a backwards kleptomaniac. You may find that hard to believe, but you can take it from me.

No Oxo cubes in Tesco earlier.
They were out of stock

Prices are getting ridiculous. I just saw a headline on BBC News saying "Costa Coffee bought for £3.9 billion".
It must have been one of those extra large lattes with the caramel topping.
I hope he had his loyalty card on him.

Having my ears syringed is one of the most painful things I've ever had done.
I can hear my wife perfectly now.

Justice is best served cold.
If it were served warm it would be justwater.

I keep dreaming that I'm falling through trapdoors....
but my doctor says it's just a stage I'm going through.

My mate spent all his money on a sex change.
Now he hasn't got a sausage.

My wife said sex with me is boring because I get easily distracted.........

Oh well, best get back on with it..

35 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

No Oxo cubes in Tesco earlier.
They were out of stock

It's OK they are stuck in the gravy train!

I just found the worst page in the entire dictionary.
What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.

Doctor:    you've been bitten by a radioactive shark

Me:           so i'm gonna get shark powers, right?
Doctor:    you no longer have legs...

Me:           just like a shark!

A plane is about to crash.

The pilots were the first to jump, they left two parachutes for the three remaining passengers: The smartest man in the world, a priest and an art student.

 

The smartest man in the world takes one without thought and says:

"It is evident that the world will need the likes of me. As I am one of the only individuals that could make the world progress to its full potential."

 

He soon jumps without looking back.

 

The priest looks at the student with resignation.

"My child, take the last parachute, as a good christian, it is my duty to save those en need."

 

The student shrugs.

"Don't worry father, the smartest man on the world has just jumped with my school bag."