This year's World Karaoke Championship has been won by India for the first time.
"I'm really thrilled, it's a great honour to represent my country" said Gedupta Singh.

Government Advice....if your home is in the eye of the storm, head for your second or third home for safety.

Last night after finishing 10 pints I was dangerously weaving in the middle of the road.
I thought, "It'd probably be safer to make this cane chair at home."

I was in Leicester and I saw a job advertised for "Gynaecological Assistant".
I popped in and asked for more details.
"Well," says the receptionist, "you have to help ladies get ready for the examination. Help them out of their underwear, lay them down, apply shaving foam to their private parts and shave them. The job pays £45,000 a year. Only problem is, you have to go to Nottingham."

"Is that where the job is?" I asked.

"No," she said "that's where the end of the queue for applicants is."

My pal Paddy is a bit of a D.I.Y. nut and asked me to come round to see that he had knocked the lounge into another room to make more space.
I went in and he asked what i thought.
"Well Paddy it doesn't really look much bigger, but it is certainly the tallest I have ever seen"

I went to the dentist earlier.

He said "good morning, how's the mouth today?"

I said "she's just taken our two boys to school"

Do you come here often?

54 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

Do you come here often?

How did you come across that one?

1 hour ago, ballpoint said:

Beats me.

What with?   Go on tell us your kinky secrets!

Paddy was an inveterate drunkard.

The priest met him one day, and gave him a strong lecture about drink. 
He said, ‘If you continue drinking as you do, you’ll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you’ll turn into a mouse.” 
This frightened the life out of Paddy.

He went home that night, and said to his wife,

“Bridget... if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?” 
 

A blonde had baby twins.

One boy and one girl.

She asked her sister to name them. 

She named them Denise and Denephew. 
 

What do you get when you cross a stream and a creek? 

Wet feet. 
 

Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon?

They were waiting for their sexual relations to arrive? 
 

Chat-up Line:- Want to come over and watch porn all night on my new ceiling mirror?

1 hour ago, fangless said:

What with?   Go on tell us your kinky secrets!

Now listen carefully, I shall say this only once:

Ze wet celery and ze flying helmet.

17 minutes ago, Crossy said:

Only a bit of armless fun surely!

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