A deeply religious man lived in a house by the river, but one day the banks burst and the house was flooded. As the water level rose alarmingly, the man climbed on to the roof of the house. A boat came by. 
 ‘Climb aboard,’ called the captain. 
 ‘No, I shall stay here,’ said the man. ‘God will take care of me.’ 
 Twenty minutes later, with the waters still rising, the man climbed on to the chimney. Another boat came past. 
 ‘Jump aboard,’ said the captain. 
 ‘No, I shall stay here,’ said the man. ‘God will take care of me.’ 
 With the water now up to the man’s waist, a helicopter suddenly swooped down. 
 ‘Quick!’ shouted the pilot. ‘Climb aboard!’ 
 ‘No, I shall stay here,’ insisted the man. ‘God will take care of me.’ 
 The water level continued to rise and soon the man was swept from the chimney and drowned.

Up in heaven, he sought out God. ‘I thought you said you would take care of me,’ he complained. 
 God said:

 

‘I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What more did you want?’ 
 

A Greek and an Italian were arguing over whose cultures were more superior.

The Greek began, "We have the Parthenon."

The Italian countered, "We have the Coliseum." 
The Greek continues, "We gave birth to advanced mathematics."

"We built the Roman Empire," said the Italian.

They go back and forth until the Greek thinks he can end it with this.

"We Greeks invented sex for pleasure!"

The Italian replied, "True, but we introduced women into it!" 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were traveling through a canyon when they encountered fifty Indian warriors up ahead.

They turned around and there were a hundred more coming from the rear.

They looked up, and on either side of the canyon walls were hordes of <deleted> off Indians.

The Lone Ranger said to Tonto, "Well old friend, I guess there's not much we can do."

 

Tonto said, "What do you mean WE; white boy?" 

A magnet chat up line - I don't want to polarize the conversation but I find you very attractive.

 

 

 

 

 

A Human Chat-up Line:- Just to be clear, we’re both heading for the same bed tonight, right?

2 minutes ago, sanuk711 said:

And I bet she sends him to the vet to be neutered!

4 minutes ago, sanuk711 said:

I wonder if the lesbians buy them!

Antarctic glacier seeks legal advice...........

 

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Broken pencils are pointless.

When I die I want my body donated to science.
Specifically, a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life.

Our crazy butcher stole a sea bird to put into his sausages.
I thought, "He's taken a tern for the wurst."

"Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective"
"You're still bloody late!" replied my boss