I'm gonna be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I'm not in.
Sod the ships. My lighthouse, my rules.

I dream of a time when chickens can cross the road
and not be questioned about their motives.

I walked into my son's bedroom and told him it was like a rubbish tip.
But I don't think he heard me over the noise of the seagulls.

A friend has just become the world's best assistant DJ.
He holds the record.

Just been to HomePro with my wife and she got a ladder in her tights…
She's an amazing shoplifter.

8 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

When I die I want my body donated to science.
Specifically, a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life.

Have you put your plan to write your will on ice then?

A man died today after being attacked by a big cat in a circus.
It's understood he had under lion health problems.

A mate of mine said - "I'm going to draw what's essentially a transparent cross section of a building from above".
"It sounds like a plan" I thought.

There was a demonstration by homeless people in town today.
They were demanding change.

Walking through the park, I accidentally stood in a pile of Dobermann poop. As I stepped back, I trod in another.

I was caught in a Pinscher movement.

Tesco have announced that they will be adding a new beer to their value real ale range.

Alongside the affordable Simply Golden Ale and the inexpensive Simply Dark, they're adding Simply Red, for when money's too tight to mention.

General knowledge exam... with answers:

Q1.. In which battle did Nelson die?
* his last battle
Q2.. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page
Q3.. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid
Q4.. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage
Q5.. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams
Q6.. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner
Q7.. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half
Q8.. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
* Wet
Q9.. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has one hand.
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples
and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
* Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take

four men to build it?
*No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

13 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

I dream of a time when chickens can cross the road
and not be questioned about their motives.

12 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

A man died today after being attacked by a big cat in a circus.
It's understood he had under lion health problems.

Could one say he was lionised at the end of his life?

12 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

A mate of mine said - "I'm going to draw what's essentially a transparent cross section of a building from above".
"It sounds like a plan" I thought.

It seems to have been an elevated conversation!