One sunny day, Father Ted is driving his car down a small country road, when he suddenly spots a nun waiting at a bus stop.

 

Always one to lend a helping hand, he pulls over and offers her a lift.

The young nun thanks him, puts her luggage in the trunk, and sits down in the passenger seat next to the priest.

 

The poor priest can’t believe his eyes when he turns to introduce himself to the nun. She is amazingly beautiful, and for once, the priest is lost for words.

 

“Hello, I’m sister Grace,” she says, visibly amused at his reaction to her.

“H-h-hello, I’m father Ted,” the priest says. He can feel the blood rushing to his face, making it beet red.

 

Even though barely any words had been said, there was this feeling of strong attraction, as if they had known each other for years. The priest, slightly disoriented by the experience, decides that it’s time to get going.

 

As they set off, the nun shifts to fasten her seat belt, and her gown opens slightly to reveal a lovely leg. The priest glances down and nearly has an accident.

 

After getting the car under control, he can’t help but put his hand on her knee, slowly sliding it up her leg.

The nun looks at him and immediately says, “Father, remember psalm 129.”

 

The priest gets flustered and apologises profusely. He forces himself to remove his hand. However, he is unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on, while changing gear, he lets his hand slide up her leg again.

 

“What am I doing?”

The nun once again says, “Father, remember psalm 129.”

 

Once again the priest apologise, “Sorry, sister, but the flesh is weak.”

Arriving at the convent, the nun gets out, gives him a meaningful glance and goes on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushes to retrieve a bible and looks up psalm 129.

 

The psalm said, “Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory.”

 

Moral of the story:
Always be well informed in your job, or you may miss a great opportunity!

I heard a great joke about chiropractors recently.

I can't remember exactly when I heard it, but it was about a weak back.

Three dinosaurs were out hunting together when they came across a lamp. Out popped a genie who gave them a wish each.
The first one wishes that it would rain sausages. The three dinosaurs find themselves in a storm of sausages.
The second dinosaur thinks for a while and, to outdo his friend, asks for it to rain steaks. And so, they find themselves bombarded with steaks of all kinds.
The third dinosaur thinks really hard because he really wants to outdo the other two. After a while, his face broadens into a grin and he says,
“I’d like a meatier shower”

Just seen the BBC news headlines. Apparently the police are holding three men over a fire in West London.
Bit harsh, I wonder what they've done?

A barrister arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.
His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling depressed. when he walked through the door at home, his wife started on at him: “What time of night to be getting home is this?
He headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
“They’re not hanging Wright tonight,” she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed: “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?"

Is it bad luck to be superstitious?

Man found hanged in his flat, 8 years after committing suicide.
Proves his point really.

The year is 2021.
There are machines which can look through skin and see bones.
There are machines which keep you alive when your brain and heart have stopped.

There's even a machine that can tell you who your parents are with a single drop of spit.
However, when I need my prostate checking, a man sticks his finger up my **** and wriggles it about a bit.

While I was working in a chocolate factory one of the team fell into a vat of chocolate.
Someone started to climb into the vat to save their colleague.
I told him "Billy don't be an Aero"

My 3 favourite things are eating my girlfriend and not using commas.

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him, the other a Star of David. Many people pass by, but they put money only into the hat of the guy behind the cross.

A priest who’d been watching the pair walked up to the beggar with the Star of David and said, “My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a catholic country. People won’t give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside another beggar who has a cross. In fact, they’d probably give him more money just out of spite.”

The beggar thanked the priest and then turned to beggar with the cross and said, “Moshe—look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing"

I got ripped off yesterday, I bought an old Elvis record from the market “Wooden Leg”
I said to the stall owner, “ I thought he sang Wooden Heart?”
He said... “This is a pirate version”

I got beaten up this morning in a lift. A woman got in wearing a low cut top with a magnificent set of breasts spilling out. I couldn’t help staring.
It all kicked off when she said “Will you press one please?” So I did. Can’t remember much after that.

A magician broke up with his girlfriend because he found someone else's coin behind her ear.

What is it with these people that refuse to embrace modern technology?
Answers on a postcard to the usual address.

31 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

What is it with these people that refuse to embrace modern technology?
Answers on a postcard to the usual address.

Would a telegram delivered by post chaise be OK?