I worry daughter is to generous to Mom and family.

[Elkski]

I've got a special gal on my radar.  From Si siket area.  Poor village gal who is 41, has worked at same company in BKK for 17 years.   Company gave us an employment verification letter for a failed visa attempt.  in another thread I asked if I failed Visa attempt is a reason to discard a woman and people laughed at me so I won't go there again.  I think not having 200k+ baht  in savings and her beauty we're probably the reasons. 

 

I am a cautious man. I may be in love but not blind love.  She maybe special but I know there are many to choose from.  She has lived a very austere life mainly due to sending so much to support mom and or family.  She has 3 siblings,  none have government jobs so mom has no government health care.  It seems my gal is only sibling who gives.  She is a non drinker so it makes me sad to see sister drinking.   And mom.  I have not met two brothers.  But one drinks and Gambles.   He has been real sick 2 times with liver failure.   My logic is that my GF pays for this drinking.  This concept seems to go in one ear and out the other.  Her mom also is generous and has cared for two sets of children who's mother was deadbeat.   I guess my girlfriend has contributed to these kids upbringing as well.  Mom does have a farm and cows. 

 

My  concern and question is; if I get serious with this gal  and down the road, mom or some family member has s big hospital bill or something am I going to be expected to support all?  Thai people don't seem to understand finance and retirement planning.  If we do a prenup she might know my assets.  I think it would be hard for a woman like this to understand I will need to keep on a rigid  track to my retirement plans.  I have said I will budget some support for mom like 3000 baht/mo.  In USA she may get a job. Maybe she can make 45000 baht here.  but I told her she will have to pay for gas and car insurance if she gets a job.

I just don't want her sending 100% of her income back home because I rather have her unemployed and spending time with me if that is the case.  It's not easy planning for 35 years of retirement given all the unknowns but the big unknown is the black hole that can be an Isaan family.  

Should I bail?  I have told her several times we will not be able to sacrifice our lifestyle in retirement for family.  She has never seemed to say okay,  I agree,  I understand master.  

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

Edited March 17, 2019 by Elkski

[brokenbone]

make up your mind what is your limit on how much she

can cost you before your life start to suck,

and then tell her in no uncertain tone you got a separate economy and you wont contribute beyond that,

and any begging will auto deduct allowance by 500 indefinitely.

dont invest in anything in her beyond allowance

Edited March 17, 2019 by brokenbone

[worgeordie]

She will always put her family first,and side with them

over you,no matter how deadbeat her sisters and brothers are.

 

regards worgeordie

[KiChakayan]

MIL has a small business, DIL farms 16 rais, helps MIL and I pay him part time for taking care of our property. One sister has a steady job in Korea with a valid visa. The problem is the younger sister who has a little boy from a deadbeat (now dead) Russian, she seems to believe others have to take care of her and her child.

You see this is not such a bad situation if you look at it, but I have to keep watch to protect my daughters rights. I think I'd run from a situation like yours...

[BritManToo]

28 minutes ago, Elkski said:

if I get serious with this gal  and down the road, mom or some family member has s big hospital bill or something am I going to be expected to support all? 

Thai citizens have free hospital care so any 'big bill' would be a scam.

My former MiL uses my local hospital in Chiang Mai all the time, still stays with me for hospital visits (my local hospital is better than hers), costs nothing at all. Seen loads of my (former) relatives use the hospital, for breast cancer, diabetes, high blood pressure, arthritis, m/c accident, etc. all free. 

 

As for your 41 year old, too old, if she's lived alone that long she won't make a good partner.

Edited March 17, 2019 by BritManToo

[bwpage3]

First of all it is hard to understand "exactly" if any Thai woman understands what you are telling her or not.

 

Isaan, specially, believe all farangs are rich no MATTER what you tell them.

 

What you have to figure out is if you are the future cash cow of the family or if it is real love?

 

I think there is enough evidence that if a Thai woman loves you and not money, she won't ever ask for anything outrageous?

 

That being said, I just read on Facebook where a Thai relative of my wife is having a fight with her Japanese Husband on Facebook.

 

He claims all she ever does is ask for money, money, money and there is no love.

 

Fighting out in public now because he said she is the worst wife ever and wants a divorce.

 

So believe it, marriage, living together or whatever you want to call your relationship, there is always danger.

 

I don't believe they understand limits either?

 

What good is offering 3,000 baht when it costs 1500 baht to wire transfer it to Thailand?

 

You should never go down the money trail with a Thai women, unless you can afford it or because you want to.

 

I just sent US $30,000+ to my BIL from my wife to buy 78 rai, because I wanted to and because I can afford it.

 

If you plan to bring her to the USA, that is a long road.

 

First of all, I know a bunch of Thai in the US that cannot even pass the US drivers test because they read English so poor.

 

Ditto for passing US citizenship test.

 

Unless she wants to work in a meaning less job for a Thai restaurant, her prospects will be limited unless her command of US english, reading and writing, is above par.

 

I married a gal from Isaan. Because I wanted to and after 10 years of living in Thailand and I knew what I was getting into.

 

I have had NO issues, however, we do have a lot of money and that is never an issue if any family members need help.

 

Send FIL money for birthday, new years, etc every year.

 

We also send whatever else we can if they need anything although shipping from USA to Thailand is outrageous these days.

 

With over 100 extended family members in the same area, none of them make any more than enough to survive.

 

When i lived in Thailand I bought my BIL a large tractor that he can make money with and he has traveled to Sweden a few times to pick berries and made enough, (Him and his wife working there) to buy a truck as well. My wife and I also own a rice farm in Isaan that basically feeds the entire clan every year and that is that.

 

So really it comes down to what kind of relationship you have, if your wife understands the family finances, if you can afford it, if you want to support her family, which soon becomes your family and whether or not she appreciates it?

 

I would do anything for my wife, her family is my family and we can afford to help out so why not?

 

You just really need to understand the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and be on the same page together.

 

 

 

 

Edited March 17, 2019 by bwpage3

[ezzra]

47 minutes ago, worgeordie said:

She will always put her family first,and side with them

over you,no matter how deadbeat her sisters and brothers are.

 

regards worgeordie

What he said and worse...you can take the gal out of her family but you can't the family out of the gal...

Edited March 17, 2019 by ezzra

[Lacessit]

Thais are dedicated to their family. Farangs will always come second. Get used to it.

If the OP does not set limits in terms of finances from the outset, he is in for a world of grief. Never spend more money in Thailand than you can afford to walk away from.

It has taken me years to bring my GF around to the concept of debt is bad, savings are good.

[puchooay]

1 hour ago, worgeordie said:

She will always put her family first,and side with them

over you,no matter how deadbeat her sisters and brothers are.

 

regards worgeordie

 

40 minutes ago, ezzra said:

What he said and worse...you can take the gal out of her family but you can't the family out of the gal...

 

27 minutes ago, Lacessit said:

Thais are dedicated to their family. Farangs will always come second. Get used to it.

If the OP does not set limits in terms of finances from the outset, he is in for a world of grief. Never spend more money in Thailand than you can afford to walk away from.

It has taken me years to bring my GF around to the concept of debt is bad, savings are good.

Another classic Thai Visa "one size fits all" thread.

 

My wife and I have been together for 19 years. During that time she has always wished to work and has done, apart for a short time when she was pregnant and was taking care of our daughter.

 

Sure, family have been round to ask for money. Only Mum and Dad have ever got any and only when my wife feels they really need it. "No" has been the answer to them many more times than "Yes". Anyone who is fit to work gets the reply " Why don't you go to work and make your own money?" When the time comes that Mum and Dad cannot work I know for a fact that any funds handed over will be in equal parts from my wife, her brother and her sister.

 

My wife appreciates the fact that we both work hard for us and our daughter and why should she give her hard earned away to someone else.

 

Expats that are in positions and have opinions as quoted above have, sadly, married/lived with the wrong person.

[Elkski]

1 hour ago, bwpage3 said:

First of all it is hard to understand "exactly" if any Thai woman understands what you are telling her or not.

 

Isaan, specially, believe all farangs are rich no MATTER what you tell them.

 

What you have to figure out is if you are the future cash cow of the family or if it is real love?

 

I think there is enough evidence that if a Thai woman loves you and not money, she won't ever ask for anything outrageous?

 

That being said, I just read on Facebook where a Thai relative of my wife is having a fight with her Japanese Husband on Facebook.

 

He claims all she ever does is ask for money, money, money and there is no love.

 

Fighting out in public now because he said she is the worst wife ever and wants a divorce.

 

So believe it, marriage, living together or whatever you want to call your relationship, there is always danger.

 

I don't believe they understand limits either?

 

What good is offering 3,000 baht when it costs 1500 baht to wire transfer it to Thailand?

 

You should never go down the money trail with a Thai women, unless you can afford it or because you want to.

 

I just sent US $30,000+ to my BIL from my wife to buy 78 rai, because I wanted to and because I can afford it.

 

If you plan to bring her to the USA, that is a long road.

 

First of all, I know a bunch of Thai in the US that cannot even pass the US drivers test because they read English so poor.

 

Ditto for passing US citizenship test.

 

Unless she wants to work in a meaning less job for a Thai restaurant, her prospects will be limited unless her command of US english, reading and writing, is above par.

 

I married a gal from Isaan. Because I wanted to and after 10 years of living in Thailand and I knew what I was getting into.

 

I have had NO issues, however, we do have a lot of money and that is never an issue if any family members need help.

 

Send FIL money for birthday, new years, etc every year.

 

We also send whatever else we can if they need anything although shipping from USA to Thailand is outrageous these days.

 

With over 100 extended family members in the same area, none of them make any more than enough to survive.

 

When i lived in Thailand I bought my BIL a large tractor that he can make money with and he has traveled to Sweden a few times to pick berries and made enough, (Him and his wife working there) to buy a truck as well. My wife and I also own a rice farm in Isaan that basically feeds the entire clan every year and that is that.

 

So really it comes down to what kind of relationship you have, if your wife understands the family finances, if you can afford it, if you want to support her family, which soon becomes your family and whether or not she appreciates it?

 

I would do anything for my wife, her family is my family and we can afford to help out so why not?

 

You just really need to understand the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and be on the same page together.

 

 

 

 

Transferwise is low cost under 5$ to send.    You obviously have enough money you don't have to worry.  in fact it's guys like you who have set the bar so high that the rest of us have it hard because these women think everyone is a lottery ticket like you.  I may be too stingy for this type of relationship.

[puchooay]

1 hour ago, bwpage3 said:

You just really need to understand the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and be on the same page together.

I don't agree with everything you wrote but the last part sums things up perfectly.

[watcharacters]

1 hour ago, worgeordie said:

She will always put her family first,and side with them

over you,no matter how deadbeat her sisters and brothers are.

 

regards worgeordie

 

 

Thais don't have a monopoly on that practice.      That's where the phrase came from that "blood is thicker than water".

 

 

[Pravda]

I am seriously thinking about splitting with my Thai wife and dating many of the beautiful Chinese women visiting or living in Bangkok.

 

Relocating to China would not be an issue. At least air quality seems to be better.

[baansgr]

2 hours ago, worgeordie said:

She will always put her family first,and side with them

over you,no matter how deadbeat her sisters and brothers are.

 

regards worgeordie

Never a true word said. OP is in the wrong country for a relationship unless he's prepared to be bled dry by her family, best move on as things will never change, only get worse.

[watcharacters]

1 minute ago, baansgr said:

Never a true word said. OP is in the wrong country for a relationship unless he's prepared to be bled dry by her family, best move on as things will never change, only get worse.

 

555     You forgot the R at the end of true which changes the post to mean basically the opposite of what you meant, I believe.    

 

I nevertheless don't agree with your totally negative post.   Showing some generosity and giving some help doesn't necessarily translate to being "bled dry", IMHO.

 

And I was always told to NEVER say NEVER..    555

 

[brokenbone]

there is another solution if you insist on having a thai gf,

get someone considerably richer then you and money wont even become a topic, but that does mean she will only see you on her terms in other ways

[Odysseus123]

11 minutes ago, brokenbone said:

there is another solution if you insist on having a thai gf,

get someone considerably richer then you and money wont even become a topic, but that does mean she will only see you on her terms in other ways

She will drop you sooner or later as you are not a good investment.

 

How many posters on TVF have faced the time when they are informed-by word or deed-that they are no longer a "good investment"?

 

The Thai are usually quite brutal about it.

[Pravda]

42 minutes ago, Odysseus123 said:

She will drop you sooner or later as you are not a good investment.

 

 

 

That's ok. I would rather get dumped by a rich Thai woman (it happened to me already) for being a poor investment than being dumped by a poor Thai woman for stopping her monthly contributions. You'd probably be far ahead if you just dated a better off woman in the first place. 

 

My wife of 4 years has a decent job and doesn't ever ask me for money, but she sure whinges about me being a Cheap Charlie when looking at her friends Facebook posts who apparently did so much better than her. 

 

 

[Elkski]

I have better financial and family options but I am trying kety animal pick.  Luckily my brain is still I'm charge of fact finding and the final choice.  

 

Are those Chinese tourists crackable?  Some days they are the cutest things I see. 

[Pravda]

3 minutes ago, Elkski said:

Are those Chinese tourists crackable?  Some days they are the cutest things I see. 

 

I get a lot of smiles and eye contact even when they are with their boyfriends. Then my wife shows up with her pitbull face, so....

 

If I'm gonna have to try this it's gonna have to be soon before I get too old.

[brokenbone]

1 hour ago, Odysseus123 said:

She will drop you sooner or later as you are not a good investment.

 

How many posters on TVF have faced the time when they are informed-by word or deed-that they are no longer a "good investment"?

 

The Thai are usually quite brutal about it.

she is so well off so she didnt need an investment,

but since it was never going to advance from just sex when she felt for it, i eventually dropped it. probably a mistake on my behalf, i cant get any better then that apparently,

and i stopped trying long ago

[Lacessit]

3 hours ago, puchooay said:

 

 

Another classic Thai Visa "one size fits all" thread.

 

 

Expats that are in positions and have opinions as quoted above have, sadly, married/lived with the wrong person.

Disagree . My GF is right for me. I am comfortable with her family, who never ask for money. I occasionally shell out for birthdays, not large sums.

There are a few posters on TV who claim they give their Thai wives/GF's nothing. Or their significant other works to support them in idle luxury. I reach for the salt shaker after reading.

[Sheryl]

"none have government jobs so mom has no government health care."

 

Not at all true. ALL Thais not covered by another scheme, are covered by the Universal Health scheme and have access to free care (or for a token 30 baht) through the government hospital system.

 

If this woman is telling you otherwise she is lying and that should give you pause.

 

"if I get serious with this gal  and down the road, mom or some family member has s big hospital bill or something am I going to be expected to support all?"

 

See above re hospital bills.

 

That aside, there is little doubt that you would be expected to help support the family, at least if this woman stops working (and later when she retires). 

[puchooay]

18 minutes ago, Lacessit said:

Disagree . My GF is right for me. I am comfortable with her family, who never ask for money. I occasionally shell out for birthdays, not large sums.

There are a few posters on TV who claim they give their Thai wives/GF's nothing. Or their significant other works to support them in idle luxury. I reach for the salt shaker after reading.

But you did say "Farangs will always come second. Get used to it."

 

You need to change the word "always" as I for one do not need to get used to it as it simply is not true in our relationship.

 

Then again I have never called my wife "Thai wife" and she never refers to me as "Farang". That probably has something to do with it.

 

 

Edited March 17, 2019 by puchooay

[Elkski]

I knew of 30 baht health care for all.  She never mentioned healthcare.  But I heard sometimes the wait can be lengthy and maybe for some illnesses the outcome maybe better at a different facility do I think sometime people choose a non 30 baht facility.    We are talking about this more. 

I guess she has sent 3000-5000 most months.  I guess that is 3-4 dinners out to sacrifice.    I just find it odd that there isn't communication 

Between siblings about a what they give mom. 

[Lacessit]

2 hours ago, puchooay said:

But you did say "Farangs will always come second. Get used to it."

 

You need to change the word "always" as I for one do not need to get used to it as it simply is not true in our relationship.

 

Then again I have never called my wife "Thai wife" and she never refers to me as "Farang". That probably has something to do with it.

 

 

I would like to know how you can divine the innermost thoughts of another person. You should be a multi-millionaire if you have that faculty.

My GF and I treat one another with mutual respect. A good foundation for a relationship.

I suppose your opinion will be put to the test when a serious family crisis occurs. Report back after that.

 

[Odysseus123]

4 hours ago, Pravda said:

 

That's ok. I would rather get dumped by a rich Thai woman (it happened to me already) for being a poor investment than being dumped by a poor Thai woman for stopping her monthly contributions. You'd probably be far ahead if you just dated a better off woman in the first place. 

 

My wife of 4 years has a decent job and doesn't ever ask me for money, but she sure whinges about me being a Cheap Charlie when looking at her friends Facebook posts who apparently did so much better than her. 

 

 

Well said.

 

A very realistic post and certainly one that I can identify with!

 

Keep on truckin'...

[Rc2702]

We give 5k a quarter and send 1250 baht of nourishment foods a month.

 

In the future we will provide care and accommodation to them but not on there terms. I doubt they would want to leave there village and there is zero chance of us moving there.

 

My concern is the sister and her BF. Been together 7 years started to ask questions about pregnancy tests recently. Gotta feeling we would have to take care of the child as both work. Im not against it but the terms of such an arrangement would be interesting to hear.

[JAFO]

6 hours ago, Elkski said:

I may be too stingy for this type of relationship.

OP, I think its clear that with this post (and many others you have posted) that you continue to look at relationships and women like a mathematical algorithm and that you can quantify all her intentions now and later. Just doesn't work that way.

 

Relationships are always a "work in progress" from the day you meet.  If you and her are happy the rest usually always works out. If you are trying to dial it all in and not remain flexible, then its destined to fail. simple as that.

 

I suggest you stay single and date. This way when the math doesn't work out, you can just move on. ????  

[Skallywag]

26 minutes ago, Rc2702 said:

My concern is the sister and her BF. Been together 7 years started to ask questions about pregnancy tests recently.

 Using contraception for 7 years is very mature and responsible for Thailand. 

Do not see why they cannot both work and take care of a child, funds to pay for day care etc...  after the baby is born