Teaching 'protective behaviours' to my daughter

[charliechoc]

I didn't know what title to put above but have concerns about my thai father in law being around my daughter. She is fast approaching 5 yrs old and I've noticed some weird behaviour displayed by my wifes father.

 

He's a headmaster of a big village primary school. Years ago he said to my wife and I that he wanted to introduce a scheme where the students massage the teachers and earn money. I advised strongly against it and mentioned that in most western countries contact between children and teachers is forbidden.

 

Anyways, last yr we moved away from the home town where her family resides (thankfully). 2 months ago they visited and I walked past their room and he was with my daughter on the bed. He was lying on his stomach and my baby was lying next to him on her stomach. He was taking photos.

 

Over songkran her parents came to visit us. We let them stay in a room next to our kitchen. I noticed that khun tar was in his underware a lot around my daughter which I didnt like. I asked the mother in law to speak to him. Problem solved one would have hoped.

 

A day or so later I gave my baby a bath and she headed into their room as thats where all her clothes are kept. I walked in there 5 min later and she was still naked standing near the wardrobe. I thought he was doing something with his phone but cant be sure. He wasnt in his undies this time but had shorts on with no top on.

 

1 day later the wife and I walked upstairs and passed their room. He was lying on his stomach, on the floor, in his underware again and my baby was lying face down on his back in her pajamas. We both didnt like seeing this and got her out of there.

 

Once again we talked to khun yai and she made excuses 'oh its normal'. She said that she would speak to him again. She did this the following morning and I noticed he was quiet and kind of sulking that morning . He left to go back home that day.

 

I was pissed bc we had already told him to be fully clothed around my daughter. In effect, I said to my wife that we all should be teaching her protective behaviours so that nothing dodgy happens down the line. Its hardly good for my baby to be lying on my FIL back like that- its not the sort of behaviour that I want her to learn. If she goes to a friends house for a visit she could think its normal behaviour and be taken advantage by any guy with pedo tendancies.

 

I now worry and dont want my child to be alone with this guy. I felt bad for doing it but I did go into his phone without him knowing to see if there were any dodgy photos or videos. I didnt find anything.

 

Am I being a bit paranoid? Maybe Im wrong about him and perhaps he's just a bit of an odd ball (clueless) but taking into account his job I find this hard to accept.

[geoffbezoz]

Having read your post I understand your concerns.  My advice would be to train your daughter in the use of the Troll stick.  Should he show untoward intentions towards your daughter then her using the troll stick would not only make him cr$p his pants ( what colour were they you never mentioned) and simultaneously automatically delete your next troll post on the subject.

 

Apologies if I have misread your intentions but having only 3 posts and your subject matter given the ongoing TV thread then it begs a question.

Edited April 24, 2019 by geoffbezoz

[charliechoc]

1 hour ago, geoffbezoz said:

Having read your post I understand your concerns.  My advice would be to train your daughter in the use of the Troll stick.  Should he show untoward intentions towards your daughter then her using the troll stick would not only make him cr$p his pants ( what colour were they you never mentioned) and simultaneously automatically delete your next troll post on the subject.

 

Apologies if I have misread your intentions but having only 3 posts and your subject matter given the ongoing TV thread then it begs a question.

Actually I dont understand your comment at all.

 

Incidentally, what does the post count have to do with anything.

[kingstonkid]

Op

 

A lot of us that have been here for a while tend to rightly or wrongly look at posts like yours through lenses that can be jaded and assume that you are just someone with nothing to do that wants to cause trouble or waste time.  Hence you are called a troll.  There is o such thing as a troll stick but what is being said is that this is not a real post or problem.  It just seems too weird to be true type of thing.

 

That being said:

 

If you are sincere then you have no way of stopping this action.  Barring moving back to wherever you came from and take your daughter. with you.

 

This is something that your wife is the only one that can resolve.  It is up to her and really her alone.  If you take any action then nothing will get done as you have found ut.  

 

If your wife lays down the law then the family will take it seriously.

 

As to teaching your daughter again not your job as much as you want to protect her this is the wife's.  

 

Talk to her come up with a resolution that you can accept and let her handle it.

 

 

 

 

[BritManToo]

On 4/24/2019 at 8:32 PM, charliechoc said:

Am I being a bit paranoid? Maybe Im wrong about him and perhaps he's just a bit of an odd ball (clueless) but taking into account his job I find this hard to accept.

My (former) Thai wife once said to me, you and my mother are the only adults I will allow my daughter to be alone with.

I asked what about your brothers, she replied, no they would probably have sex with her.

I asked what about your sisters, she replied, no they would accept money to allow someone to have sex with her.

 

I've always gone alone with her opinions, she know Thais better than me.

[Emdog]

Paranoia is an unrealistic fear. In your case, it is a reasonable fear.

[gunderhill]

Do'nt  piss  about being all  Thai , go straight up to him and let him know in no uncertain terms to  stay away from your daughter, its  as  simple as  that,  bugger  the consequences of him "losing  face"  or any other such Thai nonsense.

[1FinickyOne]

On 4/24/2019 at 8:32 PM, charliechoc said:

a big village primary school

Well, never saw a village with what I would call a big school, but...

 

Better to be safe than sorry. Part of our job as parents is to protect our children. maybe I am paranoid too, but I would not let my kid alone with near anyone, esp if you have suspicions... 

[RJRS1301]

1 hour ago, kingstonkid said:

Op

 

A lot of us that have been here for a while tend to rightly or wrongly look at posts like yours through lenses that can be jaded and assume that you are just someone with nothing to do that wants to cause trouble or waste time.  Hence you are called a troll.  There is o such thing as a troll stick but what is being said is that this is not a real post or problem.  It just seems too weird to be true type of thing.

 

That being said:

 

If you are sincere then you have no way of stopping this action.  Barring moving back to wherever you came from and take your daughter. with you.

 

This is something that your wife is the only one that can resolve.  It is up to her and really her alone.  If you take any action then nothing will get done as you have found ut.  

 

If your wife lays down the law then the family will take it seriously.

 

As to teaching your daughter again not your job as much as you want to protect her this is the wife's.  

 

Talk to her come up with a resolution that you can accept and let her handle it.

 

 

 

 

I disagree it is up to both parents to teach protective behaviours, they do it as a regular part of parenting

Protective Behaviours develops personal safety skills that can be used by children, young people and adults to keep them safe and work towards reducing violence and abuse in the community. Over recent years there has been an increased awareness of all aspects of children's safety, particularly that of personal safety.

Protective Behaviours

 

https://www.protective-behaviours.org.au/

 

[RJRS1301]

 

I suggest you start here

 

 

 

 

Protective Behaviours develops personal safety skills that can be used by children, young people and adults to keep them safe and work towards reducing violence and abuse in the community. Over recent years there has been an increased awareness of all aspects of children's safety, particularly that of personal safety.

Protective Behaviours

 

https://www.protective-behaviours.org.au/

 

Protective behaviours to teach your children

 

https://www.secasa.com.au/...behaviour/protective-behaviours-to-teach-your-children/

 

May 20, 2015 - You can start teaching children as young as 2-3 years of age about their bodies and personal boundaries. Naming body parts - When in the ...

 

 

Edited April 26, 2019 by RJRS1301

[Krataiboy]

Trust your instincts and act on them.

[geisha]

Exactly, trust your instincts. Never let a child alone with any man/boy , always be with them. There’s enough terrible  news in  the papers already, so don’t take a chance.

[RobMuir]

4 hours ago, BritManToo said:

My (former) Thai wife once said to me, you and my mother are the only adults I will allow my daughter to be alone with.

I asked what about your brothers, she replied, no they would probably have sex with her.

I asked what about your sisters, she replied, no they would accept money to allow someone to have sex with her.

 

I've always gone alone with her opinions, she know Thais better than me.

Sound like a classy family. What province?

[RobMuir]

On 4/24/2019 at 10:17 PM, charliechoc said:

 

 

Incidentally, what does the post count have to do with anything.

It shows you probably have a life outside of posting to people you don’t know on a blog all day.

 

 

[Captain 776]

Both of mine take Kick Boxing

[BritManToo]

On 4/24/2019 at 10:17 PM, charliechoc said:

Actually I dont understand your comment at all.

 

Incidentally, what does the post count have to do with anything.

Lots of suspect new user accounts pop up, they all have new accounts and post lengthy and controversial topics. Usually with detailed personal experiences of Thai women and their families and relationships.

Then disappear never to post again. You fit that profile.

Edited April 26, 2019 by BritManToo

[sead]

Ofcourse you should.  Problem is just going to continue. Remove your child and forbid any further contact. Not an easy task. 

[RobMuir]

18 minutes ago, Benroon said:

Nice family - so now every Thai male 30,000,000 of them are paedophiles and every Thai female 38,000,000 of them is a child sex trafficker - you don’t half post some utter shit !

To be fair he does seem to post the truth. He admits he didn’t get sex for 30 years back in England and is proudly married to a prostitute now and making up for lost time.

Credit where credit due.

 

The woman he quoted was also likely a sex worker, who mostly come from backward, hillbilly type families, quite often were molested by family members, so I believe that she said it as he is claiming.

 

Back to the OP. This bloke, a primary school teacher, has likely been at it for years and never had anyone pull him up. A red flag to me was the wife defending him. Somehow these types always have a supportive wife eg Rolf Harris, Bill Cosby.

 

When your wife isn’t around grab him by the throat and smash his head into the wall a few times and tell him you are on to him. Not worth taking chances.

[myshem]

Shouldn't people with kids be ready for the worst ?

[DJ54]

Whatever it takes take care of your children..... 

[Bundooman]

13 hours ago, RobMuir said:

Sound like a classy family. What province?

Any and every province probably. Why try to turn this around and make the poster and his wife appear to sex tourist material with a bar-girl wife?

 

The poster is absolutely correct in his assumption. you can't trust anyone. I too would be uneasy. I have one Thai daughter (12), two English daughters - both with daughters and grand daughters of their own. My own two English daughters were accosted many years ago in a lift in Hong Kong.

 

Asia and the middle East are hotbeds of potential sex offenders - the opposite of our western standards regarding young child, pubescent children and young women.

I've lived here for 14 years. I lived in Hong Kong a few years and the same with Oman. I never left my kids alone with anyone I didn't know very well. I u8nderstood the risks only too well.

 

And that would have included any father-in-law as well!

[Preacher]

15 hours ago, BritManToo said:

Lots of suspect new user accounts pop up, they all have new accounts and post lengthy and controversial topics. Usually with detailed personal experiences of Thai women and their families and relationships.

Then disappear never to post again. You fit that profile.

Even if it is a troll, don't you think the subject is worth a discussion?

 

Trolls do post sometimes interesting questions if you remove the baiting part. 

 

 

 

[RobMuir]

2 hours ago, Bundooman said:

Any and every province probably. Why try to turn this around and make the poster and his wife appear to sex tourist material with a bar-girl wife?

I am not turning turning it around at all. Britman is a sexpat with a bar girl wife. Unlike most of the members here with a bar girl wife, Britman doesn’t try to hide it, Britman embraces it.

Having a bargirl wife is only an issue for those who pretend it isn’t so and who are living a lie.

 

 

2 hours ago, Bundooman said:

Asia and the middle East are hotbeds of potential sex offenders - the opposite of our western standards regarding young child, pubescent children and young women.

 

Yes the opposite of our Catholic Church, Jimmy Seville, Michael Jackson mentality. 

[gunderhill]

14 hours ago, Benroon said:

Nice family - so now every Thai male 30,000,000 of them are paedophiles and every Thai female 38,000,000 of them is a child sex trafficker - you don’t half post some utter shit !

I'd  certainly say its more prevalent in ASIA than Europe.

[Sheryl]

I do not think you are being paranoid. I think your concerns are justified.

 

It is not feasible to teach a 5 year old to protect herself against her grandfather. Even with a much older child it would be asking quite a lot and stressful for the child. You can teach protective measures with strangers etc but with a grandparent??? And at age 5 ??? No way.

 

Do not allow her to be alone with him, full stop. Fortunate that your wife agrees the behavior is worrying. (One wonders if she had some experiences herself with him as a child? Assuming this is her father).

 

The grandmother is obviously of no use. It is down to your wife and you to be firm and enforce this.  See them only in situations where your daughter is not with you, or in public settings where you can be continually present. Do not have him in your home except for short visits that you can supervise nonstop. Do not stay in their home. 

 

There will be pushback on this but stand your ground.

 

 

[charliechoc]

5 hours ago, Sheryl said:

I do not think you are being paranoid. I think your concerns are justified.

 

It is not feasible to teach a 5 year old to protect herself against her grandfather. Even with a much older child it would be asking quite a lot and stressful for the child. You can teach protective measures with strangers etc but with a grandparent??? And at age 5 ??? No way.

 

Do not allow her to be alone with him, full stop. Fortunate that your wife agrees the behavior is worrying. (One wonders if she had some experiences herself with him as a child? Assuming this is her father).

 

The grandmother is obviously of no use. It is down to your wife and you to be firm and enforce this.  See them only in situations where your daughter is not with you, or in public settings where you can be continually present. Do not have him in your home except for short visits that you can supervise nonstop. Do not stay in their home. 

 

There will be pushback on this but stand your ground.

 

 

I was hoping that you would reply Sheryl.

 

We have to go back to the home city next month. I think I will insist that we stay in a hotel. I want to sit down with him and my wife to show him his behaviour was unacceptable. The MIL is a simple and very nice lady but has no authority and just brushed it off I think saying 'its normal for thailand' in her broken English.

 

Its a shocking thing if he is effectively grooming her for later....

[charliechoc]

On 4/26/2019 at 1:38 PM, kingstonkid said:

Op

 

A lot of us that have been here for a while tend to rightly or wrongly look at posts like yours through lenses that can be jaded and assume that you are just someone with nothing to do that wants to cause trouble or waste time.  Hence you are called a troll.  There is o such thing as a troll stick but what is being said is that this is not a real post or problem.  It just seems too weird to be true type of thing.

 

That being said:

 

If you are sincere then you have no way of stopping this action.  Barring moving back to wherever you came from and take your daughter. with you.

 

This is something that your wife is the only one that can resolve.  It is up to her and really her alone.  If you take any action then nothing will get done as you have found ut.  

 

If your wife lays down the law then the family will take it seriously.

 

As to teaching your daughter again not your job as much as you want to protect her this is the wife's.  

 

Talk to her come up with a resolution that you can accept and let her handle it.

 

 

 

 

Thanks for your reply. I can assure you that my story is all true

[Sheryl]

Showing him the behavipr is unacceptable will not, unfortunately, help. If things are as you fear his behavior is compulsive.

 

Just make it a rule that he can never be with her except in your direct presence. Full stop.

 

Sent from my SM-J701F using Thailand Forum - Thaivisa mobile app

 

 

 

 

[Tomahawk21]

 id avoid him at all cost , i think you have got a gut feeling about this man and you could be well right. better to be safe than sorry

[FritsSikkink]

On ‎4‎/‎26‎/‎2019 at 1:38 PM, kingstonkid said:

This is something that your wife is the only one that can resolve.  It is up to her and really her alone.  If you take any action then nothing will get done as you have found ut.  

 

What a load of nonsense, it is his job too. Don't be a wimp who hides behind his wife.

Protect you child and tell him not to do it again and let him know you are serious.