Thai gf problems..

[dd1988]

Been datimg her for a year. 4 months of which ive been in thailand.

 

I feel there is no point in dating as i have to work back home now.  I would marry her and bring her to my country but she cant leave her kid and im not interested in raising someone elses offspring especially when it wont talk to me. Total financial liability for this feat would approach $100,000.

 

Also its been a year and she has not told me what she wants for us in the future. All she says is married but wont tell me what her desires are (wont admit she wants her kid in a first world university when older, wont admit she wants out of thsiland and there is no future here for her, etc).  Her lack of transparancy is really agitating me to the point i want to dump her as it feels dishonest.  

 

When I do make decisions without nagging her what she really wants internally she gets dissapointed then she ends up not having fun and ruining whatever it is were doing so there is really no winning.

 

Is there anything I can do about this before I dump her?

[cyril sneer]

12 minutes ago, dd1988 said:

Is there anything I can do about this before I dump her?

If you're worried about upsetting her just tell her you're not prepared to help support a kid that isn't yours

 

she'll be off in no time looking for another farang man, though it's likely she already has one

Edited December 20, 2019 by cyril sneer

[OneMoreFarang]

It seems you assume she knows what she wants.

There is a good chance she does not know and probably never thought about her future or the future of the kids.

 

I think for many Thai girls living in farang country is similar to the idea of winning the lottery. Everybody thinks that would be great somehow. But most of us won't have made any detailed plans what we would want and do if we win the lottery. It will be good somehow...

 

[OneMoreFarang]

6 minutes ago, cyril sneer said:

If you're worried about upsetting her just tell her you're not prepared to help support a kid that isn't yours

 

she'll be off in no time looking for another farang man, though it's likely she already has one

Or she will think: Lets wait and see. A "No" now does not mean "No" forever

[ezzra]

You have come to the right place, here on TVF we're all super expert on Thai GF issues and even more so in the art of Schadenfreude...

Edited December 20, 2019 by ezzra

[dd1988]

2 minutes ago, OneMoreFarang said:

It seems you assume she knows what she wants.

There is a good chance she does not know and probably never thought about her future or the future of the kids.

 

I think for many Thai girls living in farang country is similar to the idea of winning the lottery. Everybody thinks that would be great somehow. But most of us won't have made any detailed plans what we would want and do if we win the lottery. It will be good somehow...

 

Frustrating. Once in the land of milk and honey all her problems will dissappear...  

 

In my opinion once here is when all her problems will start 

-isolation im small town

-6 months per year snow cover

-severe cold to -40

-lack of access to good vegetables

-no thai restauraunts

-no markets, all meals have to be prepped at home including lunch

-daughter will hate me for removing her from thailand.  Her daughter is shy and is likely to be bullied as the local school is only farang kids. Her daughter could be miserable.

-Miss her family

-No thais to hang with (it would be like us living in Issan village, imagine the boredom)

-Cannot drive in winter roads 

-Boring farang conversations

 

She of coarse would tolerate all this for the financial gain but who would want to hang around someone that is experiencing this? These are signifigant changes/challenges that my gf wont acknowledge

[OneMoreFarang]

4 minutes ago, dd1988 said:

Frustrating. Once in the land of milk and honey all her problems will dissappear...  

 

In my opinion once here is when all her problems will start 

-isolation im small town

-6 months per year snow cover

-severe cold to -40

-lack of access to good vegetables

-no thai restauraunts

-no markets, all meals have to be prepped at home including lunch

-daughter will hate me for removing her from thailand.  Her daughter is shy and is likely to be bullied as the local school is only farang kids. Her daughter could be miserable.

-Miss her family

-No thais to hang with (it would be like us living in Issan village, imagine the boredom)

-Cannot drive in winter roads 

-Boring farang conversations

 

She of coarse would tolerate all this for the financial gain but who would want to hang around someone that is experiencing this? These are signifigant changes/challenges that my gf wont acknowledge

Most of this she won't even be able to imagine.

 

How does -40 feel like? Like a very cold and big fridge on full power but worse. Try to explain that.

And that's not only her. I think worst case I experienced -20 degrees. And I am sure I can't really imagine -40 expect that it will be a lot worse than -20.

 

Maybe make it simple: Don't take her out of Thailand into the alien world. Just tell her she won't like all those green creatures over there.

 

[Kwasaki]

45 minutes ago, dd1988 said:

Is there anything I can do about this before I dump her?

I feel there is no point in dating as i have to work back home now.

IMHO you have answered your problem already " I have to work back home now."

[mauGR1]

As ugly as it may sound, i think you should end the relationship, it will probably only get worse.

[spidermike007]

Yes, best to move on. Sounds like you have alot of doubts. When making big life decisions, I like to listen to my doubts. I think often they are a real ally. It is your gut (your intuition) telling you something. In this case, this is a big, life altering decision. And it sounds like she is simply not worthy. She is not bringing enough to the table, and if you cannot communicate with her, that is only going to get worse. If she is not motivated enough, smart enough, or deep enough to give any of this some real thought, and be able to break it down for you, how could you expect things to work out down the road, once she is away from Thailand, missing Thailand, missing Thai food, and longing for home? It sounds like she is not particularly adept at dealing with adversity. A key characteristic that I look for in a woman. You want to be with a warrior, who has a big heart and alot of inner strength, not a wimp. Right? 

 

It sounds to me like you have already made up your mind, and you have made the right decision. follow that conviction through. There are plenty of really good women here, who are far more worthy. And if possibly, try to find one without a kid. That really, really complicates things, in my opinion. Especially when the kid is making no effort to establish any sort of rapport with you. That is the very definition of dead weight. 

[4MyEgo]

56 minutes ago, dd1988 said:

Is there anything I can do about this before I dump her?

I think you have to understand that most Thai woman are followers, if you can't handle that, then you need a ball breaking western woman.

 

My wife of 13 years listens and does, and it works well for us, although she has a brain of her own, sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad, so she usually confirms with me before proceeding, i.e. keeping me in the loop, and I am usually a yes man when it comes to that, no not a control freak, as I said it works for us.

 

When I married her, I took on her two offsprings, I did not raise them, now 15 years of age, she raises them and I am proud to see these young fellas grow into a better life, better education, food, clothes, etc etc, it doesn't cost that much if your partner is undemanding when it comes to finances, commonsense, e.g. one of the boys needed braces, really crooked teeth, the other has straight teeth, anyways she saves up and paid the odd 40,000 baht to have braces put on the kid, the other wanted braces too, so she turned to him and said, if you mention that again, I will go into the front room, get the pliers and pull your teeth out one by one, he put his head between his legs, sulked about it in his own quiet way for a couple of days and got over it.

 

Sounds to me that you need to chill, just enjoy her and stop putting pressure on her and yourself, have you ever thought of taking the lead and saying, as I do, honey, I suggest we do this, that and this and she will respond with either, the famous "up to you" line or I think it would be better if we did it like this or that or this, but "up to you", better get used to those words, i.e. she doesn't wish to displease/disrespect her man, rock and a hard place and you have to respond as she does, after all, your in it together and communication is best done with an open policy, no arguments, sure a few disagreement, but also know when to give in, but never allow them to walk over you.

 

Enjoy seeing the kid grow, not yours but hey, be giving, it's part of humanity and your partner with love you like there is no tomorrow, but don't spoil the kid or her.     

[4MyEgo]

7 minutes ago, spidermike007 said:

And if possibly, try to find one without a kid. That really, really complicates things, in my opinion. Especially when the kid is making no effort to establish any sort of rapport with you. That is the very definition of dead weight. 

Shallow words in my opinion, but then again, you are entitled to your opinion.

 

I have an adult daughter back in Oz which my Thai wife helped me raise since my daughter from a previous marriage was about 9 years of age, all the while, while my Thai wife had twin boys aged 2 years old.

 

I have had little in raising my daughter when in Oz due to working like a dog to make a living, now retired here in Thailand for 4 years, I have watched her twins grow into young respectful men, they avoid me so as not to upset the farang, because farangs have rules and can smell lies a mile away, but we interact, depending on my mood, i.e. if I see they are lazy and not doing their house chores, they get served, mum backs me 110%, and we have two girls together, so we leave the Brady bunch for dead.

 

I wouldn't have it any other way, life without kids/chaos wouldn't be worth living for, and I would like to think that being selfless has its benefits not only to me, but to others, but each to their own, fear is an obstacle for those that don't want to take on challenges in life. 

 

If the OP's relationship has any kind of love in it, they will survive, but not before he changes his attitude to his partner, who has a kid, it comes with the package, like it or not, and for the life of me, if he knew this in the beginning and wasn't prepared to take the kid on, why the hell waste her time, now contemplating to ditch her like an unwanted dog ! 

[dd1988]

9 minutes ago, 4MyEgo said:

I think you have to understand that most Thai woman are followers, if you can't handle that, then you need a ball breaking western woman.

 

My wife of 13 years listens and does, and it works well for us, although she has a brain of her own, sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad, so she usually confirms with me before proceeding, i.e. keeping me in the loop, and I am usually a yes man when it comes to that, no not a control freak, as I said it works for us.

 

When I married her, I took on her two offsprings, I did not raise them, now 15 years of age, she raises them and I am proud to see these young fellas grow into a better life, better education, food, clothes, etc etc, it doesn't cost that much if your partner is undemanding when it comes to finances, commonsense, e.g. one of the boys needed braces, really crooked teeth, the other has straight teeth, anyways she saves up and paid the odd 40,000 baht to have braces put on the kid, the other wanted braces too, so she turned to him and said, if you mention that again, I will go into the front room, get the pliers and pull your teeth out one by one, he put his head between his legs, sulked about it in his own quiet way for a couple of days and got over it.

 

Sounds to me that you need to chill, just enjoy her and stop putting pressure on her and yourself, have you ever thought of taking the lead and saying, as I do, honey, I suggest we do this, that and this and she will respond with either, the famous "up to you" line or I think it would be better if we did it like this or that or this, but "up to you", better get used to those words, i.e. she doesn't wish to displease/disrespect her man, rock and a hard place and you have to respond as she does, after all, your in it together and communication is best done with an open policy, no arguments, sure a few disagreement, but also know when to give in, but never allow them to walk over you.

 

Enjoy seeing the kid grow, not yours but hey, be giving, it's part of humanity and your partner with love you like there is no tomorrow, but don't spoil the kid or her.     

Not a fan of this post. But im not a big kid person i could care less.  

 

You are wrong though, they will do what you say but thst doesnt mean you can do what you want. A good thai bf will take the subtle hints she gives and do what she wants.  Only diffetence with a western girl is she will just tell you what she wants to do or demand it

[dd1988]

7 minutes ago, 4MyEgo said:

Shallow words in my opinion, but then again, you are entitled to your opinion.

 

I have an adult daughter back in Oz which my Thai wife helped me raise since my daughter from a previous marriage was about 9 years of age, all the while, while my Thai wife had twin boys aged 2 years old.

 

I have had little in raising my daughter when in Oz due to working like a dog to make a living, now retired here in Thailand for 4 years, I have watched her twins grow into young respectful men, they avoid me so as not to upset the farang, because farangs have rules and can smell lies a mile away, but we interact, depending on my mood, i.e. if I see they are lazy and not doing their house chores, they get served, mum backs me 110%, and we have two girls together, so we leave the Brady bunch for dead.

 

I wouldn't have it any other way, life without kids/chaos wouldn't be worth living for, and I would like to think that being selfless has its benefits not only to me, but to others, but each to their own, fear is an obstacle for those that don't want to take on challenges in life. 

 

If the OP's relationship has any kind of love in it, they will survive, but not before he changes his attitude to his partner, who has a kid, it comes with the package, like it or not, and for the life of me, if he knew this in the beginning and wasn't prepared to take the kid on, why the hell waste her time, now contemplating to ditch her like an unwanted dog ! 

I was living in thailand at the time. I had no experience dating single moms and thought it was a non issue.  

 

I wont be dating a single mom again though. 

 

Sounds like your step kids are misbehaved lazy and lie. I can do without that

 

Thai men say thai girls have to be treated like dogs...

Edited December 20, 2019 by dd1988

[brokenbone]

'when in doubt, trust your gut instinct"

and even more importantly, act in accordance to your gut instinct, for it is built on experience, much of which is

is not entirely accessible through conscious.

 

every fail i ever did that was avoidable was because i didnt act in accordance to this instinct, but instead followed advice or trying to adhere to some vague idea of

acceptance from insignificant others

Edited December 20, 2019 by brokenbone

[4MyEgo]

4 minutes ago, dd1988 said:

You are wrong though, they will do what you say but thst doesnt mean you can do what you want.

I think you underestimate me, you see I learned a long time through experience that the only way to get what you want is to tell your partner up front before you get serious into the relationship, and if they can't handle what you put down on the table then it's best not to go forward, now there are not a lot of blokes that can do that because they may feel that they will lose the girl, for me, it's a no brainer, I am my own man and do what I want, when I want, male chauvinist, I believe the term is in some cultures, I like to think, it's best calles, own person.

 

The above said, if you have control of your finances you will always be ahead.

 

Just saying.......

 

As for the kid, yes understand, raising kids can be a pain, but you don't have to, e.g. I have NEVER changes a dipper, or bathed our kids, what the hell do I have my Mrs for, and she would rather do it's a mothers chore, they love it and do it is best, besides, I'm not a SNAG, sensitive new age guy, and never will be, I am the provider, the protector, period and as my 5 year old daughter says, her super hero....lol

[4MyEgo]

8 minutes ago, dd1988 said:

I was living in thailand at the time. I had no experience dating single moms and thought it was a non issue.  

 

I wont be dating a single mom again though. 

 

Sounds like your step kids are misbehaved lazy and lie. I can do without that

 

Thai men say thai girls have to be treated like dogs...

It's only an issue if you make it one IMO

 

"Up to you"

 

Step kids are teenagers, misbehaved, NOT a chance in the world, lazy, sure at times, lie, yes at times, but they are slowly coming around to face the music, and if you know anything about kids, Thai kids especially, they are lazy, they lie, but then again, I think it's a worldwide phenomenon, but as I said, misbehaved no, both my wife and I would not tolerate it, and one of them got the message when he was shown the front door at age 14, he spent two nights at his grandparents place, apparently it was a living hell for him, complained about having to do house chores, well, I do believe he understands, the term, our way or the highway now.

 

Lies and laziness we know is part of kids, that's why we have loud voices and a big stick, never use it, but I have seen mum use it a couple of time, part and parcel of cracking the whip so to speak, but generally speaking it's quite a pleasant family environment that we raise our kids, they just have to learn to answer, yes sir, no sir, how many bags full sir.....lol 

 

Life's tough out there, so they have to be prepared, and we prepare them to at least be able to hold a job, be responsible, etc, etc.

 

Some are cut out for it, other don't want the headache, each to their own.

[SenorCJ]

Your girlfriend has to tell you that she wants a better life for herself and child?

 

[Pilotman]

If you are in any doubt, and you clearly are, then just keep it as a 'friends with benefits' or dump her and mover on and don't consider marriage. It will only end in tears. I agree with your attitude to her kid,  Why make the effort if you are uncertain about the relationship? 

[dd1988]

 

19 minutes ago, SenorCJ said:

Your girlfriend has to tell you that she wants a better life for herself and child?

 

She could at least admit thai schools are <deleted> and that shed prefer a western school

[FarFlungFalang]

32 minutes ago, 4MyEgo said:

I am my own man and do what I want, when I want, male chauvinist, I believe the term is in some cultures,

If doing what you want makes one a male chauvinist then my wife is a male chauvinist and so am I!???? 

[Somtamnication]

Run, my dear farang, run! You learnt your lesson and now it is time to move.

[Matzzon]

2 hours ago, dd1988 said:

Been datimg her for a year. 4 months of which ive been in thailand.

Mean that you have been dating her for 4 month in reality.
 

2 hours ago, dd1988 said:

I feel there is no point in dating as i have to work back home now.  I would marry her and bring her to my country but she cant leave her kid and im not interested in raising someone elses offspring especially when it wont talk to me. Total financial liability for this feat would approach $100,000.

So, how long have you known she have a child? You still choose to date her, then I should be seen as you automatically also accepts her kid. That means it would be the right thing to take care and provide for the kid too. Otherwise you act like a dork.
 

2 hours ago, dd1988 said:

Also its been a year and she has not told me what she wants for us in the future. All she says is married but wont tell me what her desires are (wont admit she wants her kid in a first world university when older, wont admit she wants out of thsiland and there is no future here for her, etc).  Her lack of transparancy is really agitating me to the point i want to dump her as it feels dishonest.  

 

When I do make decisions without nagging her what she really wants internally she gets dissapointed then she ends up not having fun and ruining whatever it is were doing so there is really no winning.

 

Is there anything I can do about this before I dump her?

With the mentallity you have and the degrading way you are thinking about her and describing her, she would be the one dumping you as you act like an irresponsible newbie in relationship that doesn´t have a clue.

Yes, there is one thing you can do. You can take a look at yourself, and ask what it takes to change the essence of a man? (To be read, boy)

[Enoon]

 

"Is there anything I can do about this before I dump her?"

 

No.

 

All the **** is natures way of telling you YOU'VE MADE A MISTAKE.

 

Walk away and resolve not to make the same mistake again.

 

 

[dd1988]

11 minutes ago, Matzzon said:

Mean that you have been dating her for 4 month in reality.
 

So, how long have you known she have a child? You still choose to date her, then I should be seen as you automatically also accepts her kid. That means it would be the right thing to take care and provide for the kid too. Otherwise you act like a dork.
 

With the mentallity you have and the degrading way you are thinking about her and describing her, she would be the one dumping you as you act like an irresponsible newbie in relationship that doesn´t have a clue.

Yes, there is one thing you can do. You can take a look at yourself, and ask what it takes to change the essence of a man? (To be read, boy)

shes targeting farangs for personal financial gain. Id say she is using me. Id be a real dork if i pinied up and paid for her poor past decisions (her kid and failed marriage) as you are suggesting. 

[dd1988]

5 minutes ago, Enoon said:

 

"Is there anything I can do about this before I dump her?"

 

No.

 

All the **** is natures way of telling you YOU'VE MADE A MISTAKE.

 

Walk away and resolve not to make the same mistake again.

 

 

Whats really eating away at me is if she is just dating me solely for financial gain. 

 

My gut tells me yes

[samuttodd]

 

 

You can't expect her to leave her child (no good woman would do that)  I think it'd be a stretch to raise another mans child,  but even compounded further with the cultural and language differences.

 

For the best interest of the child,   you'd better find another lady.

[xylophone]

1 hour ago, dd1988 said:

Frustrating. Once in the land of milk and honey all her problems will dissappear...  

 

In my opinion once here is when all her problems will start 

-isolation im small town

-6 months per year snow cover

-severe cold to -40

-lack of access to good vegetables

-no thai restauraunts

-no markets, all meals have to be prepped at home including lunch

-daughter will hate me for removing her from thailand.  Her daughter is shy and is likely to be bullied as the local school is only farang kids. Her daughter could be miserable.

-Miss her family

-No thais to hang with (it would be like us living in Issan village, imagine the boredom)

-Cannot drive in winter roads 

-Boring farang conversations

 

She of coarse would tolerate all this for the financial gain but who would want to hang around someone that is experiencing this? These are signifigant changes/challenges that my gf wont acknowledge

You don't paint a pretty picture, but then it seems like you are a realist and if I were in your situation I would have serious doubts about continuing the relationship based on the above.

The other thing I found with Thai girls in a relationship is they have no idea of the future, what they want or what it could hold, preferring to live day to day, this in association with the fact that they have no idea of "consequence" – – i.e., if I do this, what will happen, and so on.

It sounds too much like hard work to me, and as you say in a later post, she may be after some financial rewards, but is quite happy to stay the way she is because she doesn't have to move countries, or for that matter, make any decisions.

I think it was a book by Malcolm Gladwell, when he was talking about "gut feel" and he said that this "feeling" should never be overlooked because it was part of our survival when we were first on this earth and even though those days have long gone, this instinct still remains with us, and should be noted.........not perhaps as the be all and end all as regards making decisions, but certainly as part of the overall picture.

[samuttodd]

Pay heed to the enteric nervous system.  

[FritsSikkink]

1 hour ago, dd1988 said:

 

She could at least admit thai schools are <deleted> and that shed prefer a western school

How would she know that a western school is better? 

In several of your post I only see what you want, how her child has to behave to you, how she needs to punish her child because her behavior to you.

You better start thinking on how you can help to get a better relationship with the child. Talk with your girlfriend what she wants from life. And think why on earth would they love to live in a country in the middle of nowhere, where it is way too cold for them and they loose every link with family, friends, food and culture with a guy who has problems with family life in their own environment.

Better look for something else because this is not going to end well.