problems with Thai partner.

[harrymcgarry]

I have been together with my partner for 11 years and we have a young son who is coming up to 5 years old soon, we have a house a car I have a good job well paid job and played a good game for 10 years in pattaya with the girls before I met her. As a family we have done well and visits to the UK, the boy in a private school and a farm aswell which makes money but not massive amounts. The house was built in view of my son having a steady home and of course it would be his in the future. its been a case of good living which I have no regrets and love my son more than anything. enough of that now down to the problem, GAMBLING! she just wont stop playing cards for money everyday and obviously she is losing and tell lies to me all the time. I have threatened her with losing me and the money source but it has not worked. I have to leave her and cut the money but I am worried what will happen to my son. She says she will not let me see him again and she will go back to working in the bar scene which means the family will have to take care of the son which obviously I do not want as my job is working away for periods of time. I have tried everything to help but she just keeps on gambling to the extend when I send money for something like the school fees she gambles it and pays it off monthly so I am paying it twice. I need some advice as MY heart is heavy and I cant take no more. its the boy that worries me so much. thanks TV and go easy on the abuse this is a serious question. we are not married.

[BritManToo]

Don't let her handle any of your money, pay all bills yourself direct.

Paying bills by mobile app bank transfer is becoming the norm in Thailand.

Almost all household problems like this are caused by the the fool with the money putting it in their open hand.

 

He'll be getting heaps of abuse and bullying in the private school, every Thai will know what mom used to work as. Take the kid out of private school, put him in government school where he will fit in better with all the other hookers kids.

My 8yo son goes to 'free' government school, 7k5 this term (inc shoes and uniforms), 4k next term.

 

Gambling,

Easy to stop in Thailand, tip off the police, they will raid the place, everyone involved will spend a little time in jail.

 

Edited July 1, 2020 by BritManToo

[mr mr]

be the best father you can be to your son even with your tough circumstances. 

 

get rid of her though. 

[harrymcgarry]

Thank you

[Upnotover]

Who owns the house?  Be careful with that one or it'll be gone.

[2long]

I feel for you.

This is a hard one, and maybe even a temporary reprieve will not last long.

Having never met your lady, I can't know her... but i would assume that she's using your lad as a bargaining chip. Like so many Thais who let others care for and raise their kids, she might not worry about him being gone more than the money. What makes it worse is that it's very hard to 'escape with your own kid' if that kid is here on a Thai passport. Because to exit at the airport you should have a document giving the absent parent's permission.

If 'getting both of you the hell away from her' is an option, let us know and we can help you hatch a plan.

But the other members' advice sounds solid, particularly the paying of bills.

 

My wife plays the lottery too much, and I worry but she won't change.

[baansgr]

Has she hocked the house and car yet or are they in your name? If she don't get money from you that will be the immediate source and then repossession will ensue. If you can gain sole custody of your son, which she would more than likely do for a price, you could leave her and employ a competent live in nanny to take care whilst you work away. 

[Keyser Soze666]

That's tough mate, and you sound like a decent stand up bloke. May sound harsh, and I appreciate it's good to get things off your chest, but I really don't think anyone or what anyone says on here is going to be able to fix your problems.

 

To contradict that (and I don't expect you to take my advice) but I would do what you are doing and walk away and from afar just try to do whatever you can for your lad and just hope it all works out ok. As you say forget the house, it was for your lad anyway, just hope she doesn't try to re-mortgage it or whatever.I have had many problems with my missus (young kids too) but gambling is just a different ball game. She won't stop or change anytime soon, so it's time to walk as you say, and do whatever you can without sending money directly to her. as you know that will be used for gambling.

[kingofthemountain]

For the OP sorry for you to have to deal with this sad situation

unfortunately there is no much you can do to stop her to gamble and play

it's an addiction and it's really hard to stop it, even if she wants to stop

(And it seems she doesn't want to stop)

 

At this stade you take the good decision, to protect your son and to stop to give money to her

as Britmantoo said, pay yourself directly for everything needed for your son

he should be ok with the family (I presume is the parents of the girl who are

going to take care of him?) and in a public school, a classic situation here in Thailand.

 

Don't forget to protect yourself against any debt she could take in your name or with

the house in guarantee (If you are the owner of the house) or something else you own

(The car or whatever) particularly if she can have access to a copy of your banks or identity papers. 

 

Try also to cut all the contacts with her, including Line, FB and so on

or she will use the son as an ''hostage'' an any stratagem she can invent to try to milk you

it's best to deal directly with the family, the ones who take really care of the son.

 

i wish you the best of luck

 

[Keyser Soze666]

My 2 pennies worth, talk of taking the boy away, away from his mother and trying to be a single parent in a foreign land and needing to work overseas sometimes is frankly shocking 'advice'

[BritManToo]

9 minutes ago, baansgr said:

Has she hocked the house and car yet or are they in your name? If she don't get money from you that will be the immediate source and then repossession will ensue. If you can gain sole custody of your son, which she would more than likely do for a price, you could leave her and employ a competent live in nanny to take care whilst you work away. 

Banks won't loan money on a house without evidence of income to make the repayments.

She could sell it though.

[LogicThai]

 

You have to be firm and strong, and not argue. In general, Thais do not understand talking, they only take notice of actions. 

 

She figures that she has a bargaining chip, something that is important for you (the boy). You need to make her think that it is not true (however hard it may be for you to do that, temporarily). With that kind of person, especially Thais, threats do not work, as they are unable to project themselves into the future. Threatening your partner of cutting her off does not register. The only way to make your point is to actually leave, and deny her every satang thereafter. 

 

But one thing is certain: you need to remove her from your life, she will never change and ‘improve’. One can only hope that you can rescue the poor child, and there is some chance of that. The fact of not being married is an advantage of sort, but it does not help much with securing rights to the child. This may well lead in her losing the house, the farm and the car trough gambling, but in the end, she will become amenable to a negotiated settlement in which you will dictate your terms (sole custody etc.). 

 

Otherwise, just leave both of them behind. The boy will grow up, will learn of the circumstances, and probably will make her mother pay a price for her part in his missed chance in life. It is Karma.

 

 

 

[innosiem]

Stop giving her money
Go see a lawyer.

[Keyser Soze666]

5 minutes ago, LogicThai said:

 

The only way to make your point is to actually leave, and deny her every satang thereafter. 

 

 

 

 

 

Yep, agreed. i've come to realise now that is the only way I will ever 'win' with my one.

[bodga]

This  is a  total failure, get  what you want and get out, there is  no solution except to leave, sorry for you but stupidity knows  no  bounds here.

[kingofthemountain]

10 minutes ago, innosiem said:

Stop giving her money
Go see a lawyer.

See a lawyer? In Thailand?

For what purpose? 

[Keyser Soze666]

8 minutes ago, bodga said:

This  is a  total failure, get  what you want and get out, there is  no solution except to leave, sorry for you but stupidity knows  no  bounds here.

I actually have a fairly similar problem where my one spends too much (in my opinion) on stuff she doesn't need, and maybe what the kids don't need. This annoys me but if she was gambling I could never accept that. Like you say the only answer is to leave, my one won't change, like all of them, so I have to put up with it for now, as I don't think what she does is a 'leaveable' offence lol.

Edited July 1, 2020 by Keyser Soze666

[bbi1]

I have a good job well paid job and played a good game for 10 years in pattaya with the girls before I met her.

 

Did you meet here in Pattaya? What was her job when you met her?

 

she just wont stop playing cards for money everyday and obviously she is losing and tell lies to me all the time. I have threatened her with losing me and the money source but it has not worked. I have to leave her and cut the money but I am worried what will happen to my son. 

 

So, are you saying she's not working at all?

[Keyser Soze666]

1 minute ago, kingofthemountain said:

See a lawyer? In Thailand?

For what purpose? 

Exactly, the fella isn't even married to her.

[WineOh]

1 hour ago, harrymcgarry said:

She says she will not let me see him again and she will go back to working in the bar scene

Says all you need to know right there mate.

 

why oh why do men keep on falling in the same old trap, time and time again.!

 

you can take the lady out the bar, but her mentality remains the same.. run a million miles away mate, and take your credit cards with you!

[Lacessit]

Shut down the ATM, it's the only way. Make sure none of your assets are in her name. The ones that are, negotiate. As you are not married, she has no claim on you. She may be able to claim support for the son, get a good lawyer and custody. Going back to the bars is something a lawyer can use.

 

[thaiflyer1]

41 minutes ago, 2long said:

My wife plays the lottery too much, and I worry but she won't change.

So does mine...................the first of last month i took her numbers thinking it would keep the money in the household.............and she won, only 3000 baht from 1000 baht stake.............she never ever wins, and blow me down shes just won off me again today another 3k on 2 numbers

 

Suppose the money is still in the same household.................but will i see any of it or will it be making its way to mama up north?.......................lol

 

[harrymcgarry]

thank you everyone for the input, THE house and car were bought and built for the family (me, her and the child) so its no problem walking away from that its not an issue, she has no credit cards and the bank cards are all in my name and only amounts what I agree to transfer go in, her weekly allowance goes in from my bank every Friday . ( enough to live on with fuel for the car and be fairly comfortable). She was really sensible before and has totally changed to the point that she does not care also I think hormone problems aswell. I am constantly stressed over this situation and if it was not for the boy then I would not have an issue. I would be gone. thanks

[Keyser Soze666]

4 minutes ago, thaiflyer1 said:

So does mine...................the first of last month i took her numbers thinking it would keep the money in the household.............and she won, only 3000 baht from 1000 baht stake.............she never ever wins, and blow me down shes just won off me again today another 3k on 2 numbers

 

Suppose the money is still in the same household.................but will i see any of it or will it be making its way to mama up north?.......................lol

 

But isn't lottery money just peanuts?

[CNXexpat]

I guess she is not working and has no own money but you are giving her pocket money. So let her lose this/her money but don´t give her cash for he household, school, etc. 

[Keyser Soze666]

2 minutes ago, harrymcgarry said:

thank you everyone for the input, THE house and car were bought and built for the family (me, her and the child) so its no problem walking away from that its not an issue, she has no credit cards and the bank cards are all in my name and only amounts what I agree to transfer go in, her weekly allowance goes in from my bank every Friday . ( enough to live on with fuel for the car and be fairly comfortable). She was really sensible before and has totally changed to the point that she does not care also I think hormone problems aswell. I am constantly stressed over this situation and if it was not for the boy then I would not have an issue. I would be gone. thanks

So has any of the advice here helped, have you decided what you are going to do yet as clearly this problem aint going away.

 

It's tough no matter what you decide of course, but if the house and car are paid for I would walk and send her 10k a month and pay the school yourself. yes, I know she will probably gamble the 10k but at least you have tried and done your 'bit' and just hope that she is moralistic enough to make sure her own flesh and blood is alright. She can't be that bad a person, surely?? 

[steven100]

32 minutes ago, innosiem said:

Stop giving her money
Go see a lawyer.

haha .....  correct,  but the problem is that in Thai law the lawyer has his hands tied and cannot do so much. 

He may BS that this can happen then this .... bla ... bla ...  but further down the track his work will be limited because of Thai law.

[thaiflyer1]

5 minutes ago, Keyser Soze666 said:

But isn't lottery money just peanuts?

Not always.............couple of years back she was ordering her numbers on the phone, then only settling up in part...........consequently she was being charged interest of 10% a month on the debt, until it built up to 100k baht at which point she confessed and i bailed her out...........we havnt had a repeat since (far as i know) thats why i started to take her numbers.............should add we have been together for 20 years

 

Anyway..........sorry for the off topic post

[Curt1591]

Have you ever bothered to meet her family? Does the boy have any decent grandparent? 

 

[Keyser Soze666]

3 minutes ago, thaiflyer1 said:

Not always.............couple of years back she was ordering her numbers on the phone, then only settling up in part...........consequently she was being charged interest of 10% a month on the debt, until it built up to 100k baht at which point she confessed and i bailed her out...........we havnt had a repeat since (far as i know) thats why i started to take her numbers.............should add we have been together for 20 years

 

Anyway..........sorry for the off topic post

Sure. And not really off topic imo. It's relevant as maybe giving the OP some comfort that his good lady isn't the only one who causes us farangs beef.