Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time there lived this raindeer reindear bambi called Rudolph, who lived up in the north pole with Santa and all the elves and that.

Now Rudolph was no ordinary bambi - he was one of those special magic flying ones that drag Santa's sledge into orbit so he can chuck X boxes and toblerones down the chimneys of the poor.

Which would have been fine, except that he had this mad luminous clown nose for some reason (probably the drink) and all the other bambis used to rip the piss make fun of him.

Anyway, in the end it gets so bad that they won't even let Rudolph join in any of the rayndier bambi games (whatever they are) so he decides to run off and, er, join the circus. Because he's got the nose and everything.

So he's off wandering through some woods or forests or whatever, looking for clown tracks or something and he meets this rabbit called, er, Humper.

And Humper's okay, because he doesn't laugh at Rudolph's nose or anything, and they're having a chat or whatever and suddenly Humper looks at the time and goes "Oh god, I'm late!" and runs off. And Rudolph thinks, like, late for what? But Humper just keeps saying "I'm late, I'm late" and runs off down this rabbit hole. Did I mention the rabbit hole?

But anyway, Rudolph thinks, what's all that about? And he decides to follow him. So he goes down this hole and ends up in this massive cave full of treasure and that, and in the middle of it there's Humper and this mad scientist with a hat on, sat round this table eating jam and drinking tea.

So Rudolph suddenly thinks, god I'm starving and joins 'em for lunch, and they're having a chat and a laugh and that, and after a bit the Queen of Hearts turns up and she's got some tarts with her (don't know their names) and everything's going okay, but then suddenly the Queen jumps up and starts screaming and going totally ballistic and it turns out there's a mouse in the teapot, for some reason, and it's totally freaked her out.

Anyway, now things start getting a bit mental, and the Queen's saying "What's that ###### bloody silly mouse doing in the tea pot?" and "I thought the tea tasted like mouse piss a bit off".

And the tarts are cracked up laughing by this point and the mad scientist's just taking the pi mick and the Queen's like "Right, I'm going to chop your heads off for that, see if I don't. I am the Queen, I can do what I like".

And everybody's suddenly shit scared of losing their head, but in the end the Queen of Hearts just, er... get's killed in a car crash.

So Rudolph gets out of the cave after all that and finds his way back to the north pole, and everyone still picks on him, but in the end it turns out that it doesn't matter, because he's not really a bambi at all - He's a swan!

Which at least explains the flying part I s'pose...