The Baaad Christmas Jokes Thread 2020 - Old, New, Ancient, Prehistoric - We don't care just make them Bad.

[Crossy]

Love this Christmas stamp, and it’s great to see Mary on keyboards and Joseph on vocals. Another modern interpretation.

[sanuk711]

[sanuk711]

Jim couldn’t wait to unwrap his Christmas present from Dave

[sanuk711]

.

[Saraphee]

 

[chickenslegs]

Q: What is Santa's elves favourite kind of music?

A: ‘Wrap’ music.

 

Q: How do snowmen travel around?

A: By icicle.

 

Q: Why did Santa ban fizzy drinks from his workshop?

A: Because they were bad for his elf.

 

(Well, you did ask for bad jokes)

[chickenslegs]

Q: What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A: A Christmas quacker!

 

Q: What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
A: Tinsilitis!

 

Q: What is Santa's favorite pizza?
A: One that's deep pan, crisp and even.

 

I'm getting my wife a wooden leg for Christmas.
Not her main present, it's just a stocking filler.

[roo860]

[sanuk711]

[Crossy]

“POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOUVE BOUGHT A TURKEY THAT SERVES 10-12”

[Crossy]

This nativity scene of two T-Rex fighting over a water melon is a pretty modern interpretation.

Once you’ve seen it you will never un-see it!

 

[Crossy]

They used to laugh and call him names ......no one calls him names; no one!

[chickenslegs]

[tgw]

here goes...

 

[Salerno]

[Salerno]

[Susco]

 

[Salerno]

[chickenslegs]

What do "Jingle Bells" sung by Mike Tyson and a green and red g-string have in common?

They're both Christmith Thongs.

 

 

[chickenslegs]

A man walks into a pet store hoping to buy a parrot. He looks at a whole bunch of parrots, but all of them are out of his price range. He asks one of the employees if they have a cheaper parrot.

“Actually, we have one parrot that nobody has wanted to buy. His name is Chet ( remember that name) and he is very lovable, but he’s only got one leg.”

The man asks to see this parrot. The employee goes to the back and brings out a very old, one-legged parrot.

The man asks if the parrot can do any tricks.

“Well, if you hold a match right under the stump of his leg, he will sing a Christmas song for you.”

The man is intrigued and holds a match under the parrots leg. The bird begins to sing.

“Jingle bells, Jingle bells, jingle all the way”

The man laughs and asks if he can do anything else.

The employee says,

“Well, if you put the match under the other leg he will sing a different Christmas song.”

So the man puts the match under the parrot’s leg. To his astonishment, the bird begins to sing again.

“Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus right down Santa Claus lane!”

The man is mystified by the parrot and how good it sounds. But he decides to try one more thing. So he asks,

“What would happen if you put the match between the parrot’s leg?”

The employee laughs.

“I don’t know what would happen,” he says. “You could try it.”

So the man puts the match between the parrot’s leg. Again, the bird begins to sing.

“Chet’s Nuts roasting on an open fire...”

[roo860]

[roo860]

[roo860]

[ballpoint]

[faraday]

[ballpoint]

[ballpoint]

[Daffy D]

15 hours ago, roo860 said:

That woke the dog up  

[farang51]

15 hours ago, roo860 said:

Sounds good to me, wish I could play that well; unfortunately, I had to give up the flute lessons because the Thai language courses take up all my time. Why does it have to be so difficult to learn Thai!

 

[chickenslegs]

I’m giving up drinking until Christmas!
Edit: Sorry, bad punctuation.
I’m giving up, drinking until Christmas!