Ha Ha Ha

[12call]

1

A MAN has great tickets for the Euro 2004 final. As he sits down, another bloke comes over and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" says the bloke. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the final and not use it?"

"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me," replies the man. "My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Euro Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. Couldn't you find someone else to come like a friend or relative - or even a neighbour?"

"No - they're all at the funeral".

Robert Munroe

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2

A VERY attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no." the man replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." She says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

Terry Adderley

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3

A CHAP from Birmingham goes for a job interview, wearing an orange polyester shirt, bright red flares and stack heeled boots.

The interviewer says: "All you need now is a kipper tie."

The Brummie replies: "That would be nice: two sugars, please."

Grahame Jones

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4

ENGLAND captain David Beckham has just signed a deal to promote acne cream. He's used to having problems with troublesome spots.

Simmo

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5

A MAN walks into a bar and orders a pint. As he's sitting there drinking the bar slowly fills with smoke until he can barely see his beer in front of him.

He turns to the barman and says, "Wow man, what's with all the smoke?"

The barman tells him "We've got this old piece of machinery out the back that the gaffer's trying to get going. It's not been working well."

The bloke stands up and says to the barman "I'll sort this out. Lead the way!"

So the barman shows him outside. About half an hour later, the smoke all clears from the bar, and the man walks back in, sits down on his stool and orders a fresh pint.

"I hope you don't think I'm rude," the barman says, "but how on earth did you do that?"

The man turns to him and replies, "Aww, it was easy. I'm an ex-tractor fan."

Sarah Brown

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6

OXO were going to bring out a Euro 2004 commemorative cube in red, white and blue in honour of the England squad, but it was a laughing stock and crumbled in the box.

Charlene Byrne

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7

CHELSEA footballers have been attacked by a virus that makes the bones in their knees turn to powder.

Luckily, the physio at Everton has come up with a cure which involves transplanting the knees from a kangaroo.

But it's a very expensive operation and you only get one roo knee for £45million.

Terry

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8

Q: WHY did England boss Sven Goran Eriksson ban the England players from keeping dogs after the Portugal game?

A: Because they can not hold onto a lead.

Dale

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9

A man staggers into a hospital with concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.

"We went to look for them, and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I

walked over, lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.

"That's when I made my big mistake. I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'hey, this looks like yours!'

"I don't remember much after that.......

Josh Goodwin

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10

Q: WHY was the pelican kicked out of the hotel?

A: Because he had a big bill!

Chris Mills

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